IlsonDerby

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it inhis mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the   monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did  just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to **** that cue ball out, he measures everything first."

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral.
A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
"Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

Sad news from the Nestle factory today.
A worker was crushed beneath a large box of chocolate that fell 20 feet off some racking on to him. 
 
He repeatedly called for help, but every time he shouted “The Milky Bars are on me”, his colleagues cheered. 
 
 

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have a Euro between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage. 
Murphy says “Are you mad? Now we're skint!” “Come on” says Paddy, “follow me.”
They go into the pub, order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the sausage through the flies of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it. The barman goes berserk and throws them out. 
10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says..
 “I cant do this any more, my knees are sore and I'm pissed.”
“How do you think I feel?” says Paddy, “I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in?!”

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
Apologise and wipe it off.

A professor at the University of Nottingham was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
 
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
 
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
 
She replied, "Probably watching 'Forest at the city ground  with his mates"

A couple driving home run over a badger. They stop to see if it is ok. The badger was breathing but very cold.
The man said to his wife put it between your legs to warm it up.
The wife said but it's wet and it stinks.
The man said well hold its nose.

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. 

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. 

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. 

She replies 'Well, my name was Bob, and I played for Wigan !'. 

A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but ******* complain since you got here."

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
 
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
 
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
 
Floor 1 - These men have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
 
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
 
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
 
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Missus was getting ready for bed the other night and was standing in front of the dressing table mirror ,my hairs going grey ,I've started getting wrinkles and everything's going South what do you reckon ?
"There's bugger all wrong with your eyesight "  I reply.

I got home and told the wife I'd bumped into the milkman this morning and was chatting to him, he reckoned he'd bonked every woman on the street except one.
That will be the snotty cow from number ten up the road she replied.

I scared the postman today by going to the door naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived!

Went for an interview at a Blacksmith's today
Blacksmith: 'You any good at shoeing horses?'
Me: 'No, but I once told a donkey to **** off'

The Manchester manager Jose Morinho flies to Khabul to watch a young Afgan boy play football,he is suitably impressed and asks the young boy to come over to Manchester.Two weeks later Manchester are 2.0 down to Watford with only 20 minuites left,Morinho gives the nod and the young lad is on the pitch.He is a sensation and scores 3 times in the last 20 minuites as United win 3.2.The fans,coaches and manager love their new star.When the player comes off the pitch to tell his mum about his first game for United,he tells her how he scored 3 goals and tht everybody loved him at Old Trafford."just wonderfull" his mum said,let me tell you about my day,your father got shot in the street,your sister and I got ambushed and assaulted,she would have been raped if a policeman hadn't seen what was happening,and your brother has joined a gang of looters and set fire to some buildings.The young lad is very upset and says to his mother I am really sorry.Sorry! sorry!,its your bloody fault we came to Manchester in the first place.
 

Get out. 
8/10 really good bit of fluff, not a film to live long in the memory, but enjoyable while it's playing.
 

Not sure how loans work, but Simon Dawkins doesn't need to start work in the MLS till early March, time to get the SDMLB functioning again?

How can you honestly for one think we could get Zaha on loan when he is a regular starter for Palace and is one of their best players.
And secondly how can you think that he is no better than Ince. Zaha is top class. 

Have to say if there's Doombar available I'm inclined to have that but I tend to stick to bitter rather than real ales when out. Smiths or Mansfield do me fine.