The depression

[SillyBilly]

Thanks again. I came very close to a D&D when I went out on an absolute bender, also at age 23. I was found passed out in the middle of town but luckily the Police took me to a drunk tank rather than throwing me into a cell at St. Mary's Wharf and giving me a charge.

 

I felt held by the ******** at my current job because I had been unemployed for six months before and was worried it would be the best thing I'd ever get despite my employer treating me poorly and making me work unsociable shifts. I made the brave decision of quitting because it just got much. However I have a house and bills to pay for which has put me in a **** load of debt. My own fault yes but I still think it's better than sticking with that job where I felt psychologically imprisoned.

 

I start a new job on Tuesday. It's gonna be tough paying back what I owe but I guess things can only get better.

 

Thank goodness for football and Stevie Mac's return. Seeing Derby return to the top has kept me going to some extent. Blogging has also helped as has going for long walks into nature.

 

Wish it was drunk and disorderly, the other DD I'm afraid. All the best in the new job.

[SillyBilly]

Do you think that it's more of a problem in Britain than elsewhere? What with the whole 'stiff upper lip' culture and all.

 

No idea on statistics, but was just interested to see what some of you thought

 

Have to disagree with Badlands, I think it is considerably worse in Britain than elsewhere in the Western World (perhaps with the exception of Japan). Americans, culturally, seem to be much more open about emotions and health and I daresay getting pilled up to solve any minor perceived ailment, mental or physical. I think the stoicism of our national character can reject the even suggestable weakness of contacting a GP or discussing these sorts of issues. I read an article by the British Heart Foundation a while ago alluding to the "not wanting to cause a fuss" attitude in heart attack victims was the reason Britain lagged behind its European counterparts in death from cardiac arrest. Put simply, a lot of Brits wouldn't call an ambulance unless they were in truly dire straits by which time it may be too late. It didn't really suprise me.

[Cisse]

In Finland there is 5,5 million people. Almost half a million is eating depression drugs. Our suicide records have always been horrible with Japan. My Greek friend said depression is almost epidemic there and it was eleven years ago when Greek was doing ok.

[Day]

Go on then if we're all coming out the closet and having a group hug....

2007 I met my ex, after just over a year ish I had a panic attack whilst in the Spar, no idea why, completely freaked out by it I didn't leave the house the next day, or the next day, or the next and so on for about a year.

I tried to go out, we would go for small walks down the road but I would have anxiety attacks and have to go back home. Had no idea what was going on, why it was happening but I ended up being **** scared to even leave the house.

One day a mate came round before going to play football, had a catch up and as he was leaving I said give me 5 mins I'll get changed, jumped in the car like it was normal (which it is) and off we went, I was a bit nervous but meeting up with everyone the nerves passed and I was fine.

On the way back I said to the ex, I need to keep going out, I'm not going to end up in a rut like that again, everyday I'm off out somewhere. The next night she came home from work, I suggested going out but nah, too tired I just want to eat, watch Eastenders and go to bed. Looking back I should have gone out by myself but I wanted someone there to take my mind off what I was doing.

Anyhow, this went on for the few days until she finally wanted to go out, I had an anxiety attack again.

We moved house during this time, she moved everything by herself and moved me in the middle if the night when the roads were empty and I had a few beers to get through it.

It developed further I started getting freaked out with lots of people around, I had to leave the room when her family came round, I just wanted to be by myself. I had a thing about eating, couldn't eat when anyone was around without having an attack. Also when you have anxiety attacks you get hot, I had an air con on most days as I was freaked out by being even slightly warm. I wanted to stay cool all the time.

For the next 4 years I spent 90% if the time in the house, I had little good spells of going out at night to places where not many people were around, wouldn't last long and I would end up back inside the house again.

My ex the bitch stood by me bless her, I thought she was amazing at the time, not many people would have done what she did so soon after meeting each other.

I fell into a trap of feeling like I wasn't good enough for her, work had dropped off and I was skint, young and foolishly thinking that you can only keep a woman happy with money when all she wanted was for us to go out and lead normal lives. Christmas 2012 I hit rock bottom (I thought it was), I knew she was going to spend a fortune on me and I couldn't do anything back. The little money I had I was spending keeping websites online, it was having this place that kept me going through the days.

I was having anxiety attacks in the house now on a daily basis, I ended up in one room downstairs, even sleeping on the floor next to the air con. I was a complete mess.

I know what you're thinking why didn't you call a doctor? We tried several times from when all this started but I wasn't registered to any and none would come out, even explaining my situation they wanted me to go in to sign up and have a initial health check.

I managed to get a dentist to come out, even had my eyes tested at home but not a doctor.

August 3rd 2013, the ex went out for a night out, she was texting saying how everyone is in couples and how sad it makes her that I can't be with her, she comes home that night sleeps downstairs with me. The next day she goes out before I wake up and I get a text, she's leaving me.

I completely shut down, stopped eating, sleeping, I was even more of a mess not knowing what I was going to do. Her mum would come round and see me, pick things up that I needed etc. one day she opened up to me about her depression, turns out she had been through similar although nowhere near as long and as bad as I was.

That one day of actually talking to someone that understood how I felt was amazing, that day after the talk I left the house for the first time in months, went across the road and bought a paper, so proud of myself I took a picture and sent it to both the ex and her mum.

Congratulations from her mum, nothing from the ex.

Started getting myself back together and really wanted to win the ex back so was pushing myself harder than ever to get a doctor. I finally managed to get someone round to see me, a support centre for mental health issues. The place hadn't officially opened yet but they came to see me, I was the first ever patient.

They couldn't believe what I had been through and the lack of support in the area, I'm fast forwarding all this but agggges ago I even emailed the NHS and they couldn't help either, just gave me a list of doctors to go see.

Anyhow they came round every week, talked to me, asked me about my childhood etc.

As the weeks went by I gained more confidence, managed to get to their support centre where they have a doctors surgery as well, they wanted to put me on anti depressants but I refused which they was surprised about, apparently people go in and lie about how they feel just to get them!

The doctor signed me off from work, I'm still signed off till October this year actually, after so long of being so ill they didn't want me rushing back, I was on ESA, had housing benefit for the rent so money issues wasn't hanging over me.

I wanted to do it by myself, prove I'm stronger mentally and I didn't need any chemical assistance.

Wasn't long after I was enjoying a pint in the pub for the first time in years!

It also became obvious the ex wasn't interested, she had completely changed emailing me abusive crap, calling me a **** up one minute and being all friendly the next.

I still wasn't going out properly and would spend days and nights without seeing anyone so I signed up to Plenty of Fish, never thought I'd actually meet anyone, just wanted to talk and boost my confidence a bit more. November after talking to one for a while and kept putting off meeting her I jumped on my bike and went to meet her at her house, chatted on the doorstep for a bit and I went home.

Next night she was round mine riding me on the ex's sofa!

I told her not long after about my problems and why I kept putting off going out anywhere, she understood and we carried on seeing each other for a while.

Came to Christmas 2013 and I moved up a gear, Christmas Eve all my mates were at this pub, around 30 of them, I went along and had the best night in ages, the woman I was seeing lived round the corner and I went round to give her Christmas present after on my way home, too drunk tho so don't think she was impressed, think she actually thought I bought her one when I said I had a present for her.

New year, new me it was.

January I stopped seeing the woman I was seeing and was going out on dates with different women every week, had a few messaging at the same time...not proud of the amount of women I went through but it was a massive confidence boost, Plenty of Fish probably helped me more than anything. There's a Daveo dating thread in the mod room, it's a big one with pics the lot, might go back for a read after posting this!

They didn't all reject me either, I've seen 4 in total for a few weeks/months at a time and went on a few dates with another 10 or so plus talked to loooooads more.

February I moved out the house I lived with the ex and into a flat, stopped seeing my support worker and enjoying life again.

I'm out all over town now, never catch me in at the weekend, still skint but happy. Back seeing one of those from POF, saw her for 2 months, had a month off and back with her again, knows all about what I've been through and totally supportive. I'm not fully back to how I was yet, I still have the occasional little anxiety but I know how to control it now and I can live a normal life.

I will echo what people have said in this thread, don't underestimate the power of talking to people, keeping things bottled up does you no good at all. The mind is a powerful thing, control the ****** don't let it control you.

This is all a brief story believe it or not, I've not mentioned the ongoing court case with the ex as she has took some of my things and refusing to give back, even had the Police out, problems with her family and all sorts.

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, this past year I've proven to myself just how strong I am.

Moving house again soon, then I'm actually looking at being a Open Uni student believe it or not!....the plan is to help people who suffer from anxiety, having been through it I feel like I can help people, I wouldn't wish anxiety on a Forest fan. If I can help just one person it will be worth it....not sure if I will be allowed to suggest POF to patients tho?

TL;DR? I had a messed up time as well, now let's group hug

[Day]

Wow that really was a long post!

[Day]

Here you go, just before Xmas last year. This is how I wowed the women and bagged the dates. I'm thinking I might have to release the dating thread into the public for you lot :lol;

[Cisse]

What the hell is going on there if the doctors won't make house calls when it is needed ? Sorry to hear about your struggle but it's nice to know that things are going better.

I had panic attacks in 1997 and again 2012/13. In 1997 when I had those I started to throw up in oddest situations which was quite embarassing. It escalated and I also started to feel that I would pass out or I felt the need to get out of any closed places. Finally I got the feeling that I would die. That was the moment I started to get better because the thing is I'm not afraid of dying. So when I realised that the worst case scenario wouldn't be so bad it was a huge relief.

In November 2012 I started to throw up again. If I even thought of leaving the house I had to run to the bathroom. It became a complex ritual to get myself to go to the food store not to mention to work. In one point I was a few weeks on sic leave trapped in my home.

At that time I had to get rid of my no pills policy. I got some pills that increases the serotonin levels in my brain and after a while I started to feel better. I still have the smallest dosage possible going on for a couple of months.Then we'll decide if I can drop them. It has been weird to realise just how dark my mind has been for so long.

I've had some kind of depression from 2001. For a long time I didn't enjoy anything. And now with a half a pill a day I can enjoy my life again. In hindsight it feels that I wasted a lot of years by not getting myself out of that mess but perhaps I have learned something too.

I do encourage people to get help because it is available and at some point every one of us can certainly use it.

[ketteringram]

Wow that really was a long post!

Feckin brilliant though. One day.......

[Mafiabob]

Wow that really was a long post!

thankyou for sharing that Daveo.... Keep going, and as for the open university course. I've been thinking of doing one to train to become a counsellor. Thanks once again

[i-Ram]

Wow that really was a long post!

Really enjoyed the post Daveo (all the chapters) and I do know some of the pain you went through. My first marriage deteriorated because of similar issues (not so acute in truth) and the separation/divorce meant as an even worse consequence not seeing my two lovely kids every day. They were 8 and 11 too, so many other lives affected too. Eleven years on I am so happy as I found love again, real love, and I have two remarkable grown-up kids who I am so proud of. A lot has been learnt by me over the last 15 years, and on a couple of occasions in the last 11 years I have felt a creep backwards in health, invariably due to work anxiety. But I have learnt to confront and share my issues, and as I have said before not been afraid to take a bit of counselling from professionals and friends and family, as well as stimulating the happy juices with a small pill. I wish two things for you:-

Inner contentment and an upward health curve from here on in

You will always be able to buy your half a lager at a pub with cash (fu@$ing students!)

[i-Ram]

I've just had another thought Daveo, whilst I was talking to my nurse (wife) here. Has it ever occurred to you that this forum isn't actually helping you? It does seem to be full of manic depressives, cranks, pessimists, doommongers, students, Scots, nutters, Americans, weirdos, wind-up merchants, and assorted odd-balls, plus two people who might be normal called Archie and Eddie. She asked me if my first few weeks on the forum had been enjoyable, as she had thought me mad to sign up. I confirmed to her that it had reassured me a little that matters could be (a lot, lot) worse for me, but that I was looking forward to my 2 week holiday starting Thursday to get away from the "Crazies". Will miss you guys!

#cuckoosnest

[GboroRam]

Wow that really was a long post!

Open fecking university?

You've changed...

[Cisse]

I've just had another thought Daveo, whilst I was talking to my nurse (wife) here. Has it ever occurred to you that this forum isn't actually helping you? It does seem to be full of manic depressives, cranks, pessimists, doommongers, students, Scots, nutters, Americans, weirdos, wind-up merchants, and assorted odd-balls, plus two people who might be normal called Archie and Eddie. She asked me if my first few weeks on the forum had been enjoyable, as she had thought me mad to sign up. I confirmed to her that it had reassured me a little that matters could be (a lot, lot) worse for me, but that I was looking forward to my 2 week holiday starting Thursday to get away from the "Crazies". Will miss you guys!

#cuckoosnest

That's how you see this forum ? Are you by any chance depressed ?

[AmericanRam]

Im depressed right now because it keeps dang raining here.

[davenportram]

I think there are several of us on here tgat could write a few books between us.

[ladyram]

This has really got me interested in maybe doing an open uni course so ta Daveo. Every cloud n all that...

Looking at courses now. :-)

[Gritstone Ram]

I've just had another thought Daveo, whilst I was talking to my nurse (wife) here. Has it ever occurred to you that this forum isn't actually helping you? It does seem to be full of manic depressives, cranks, pessimists, doommongers, students, Scots, nutters, Americans, weirdos, wind-up merchants, and assorted odd-balls, plus two people who might be normal called Archie and Eddie. She asked me if my first few weeks on the forum had been enjoyable, as she had thought me mad to sign up. I confirmed to her that it had reassured me a little that matters could be (a lot, lot) worse for me, but that I was looking forward to my 2 week holiday starting Thursday to get away from the "Crazies". Will miss you guys!

#cuckoosnest

Archie may be but eddie is as insane as the rest of us.

[ketteringram]

How the hell did this thread drop to page two?!?

 

How are we all? It's good to talk you know! Any light at the end of the tunnel (other than the train)?

[Tombo]

How the hell did this thread drop to page two?!?

 

How are we all? It's good to talk you know! Any light at the end of the tunnel (other than the train)?

Light at the end of the tunnel?

 

Ask me after September 14th.

[Cisse]

How the hell did this thread drop to page two?!?

 

How are we all? It's good to talk you know! Any light at the end of the tunnel (other than the train)?

I'm trying desperately to make it there for Bournemouth and Millwall games. Already had lost all hope about it but now there is a small opening for that to happen. If I make it I will be ecstatic. If I don't you all can keep me in suicide watch (no pun intended) on this page until April.