IlsonDerby

A guy today offered me $80k a year to work for him at the brittle bones society.
I snapped his hand off.

Seeing Gerry Cinnamon live this weekend in Belfast. Should be class. 
 
Saw Courteeners and Miles Kane the other weekend in Sheffield. Both incredible. 

Harry Redknapp is reportedly earning £500,000 for his appearance on I’m A Celebrity
which after tax works out as £500,000

Think you have lived to be 75 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...


An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Feeling rather pleased with myself,  as I have been and bought the missus an artificial leg for Xmas.
It’s not her main present..... just a stocking filler.

One for @B4ev6is there. 

Everybody’s favourite away kit ! Timeless

Jim Walker the forgotten man
As many of you know I have been for the last 18 months meeting up with the old brigade, the proper DCFC legends, the ones that put us on the map in footballing terms, the ones that made us the best team in England and got us to the European Cup semi finals, the teams of 71/72 and 74/75.
It started off as way to spend time with my Dad who was a bit lost after the loss of my mum, he is a season ticket holder now and was back in the day so I started off out on a journey that has lead us to meet most of them, one of them remains elusive and one didn’t wish to participate.
All of them have been fantastic, eager to tell stories of the great Brian Clough and the amazing fortunes of Derby County who in those bleak years of three day weeks, power blackouts, strikes and Rolls Royce nearly going under taking thousands of local jobs with it gave the people of Derby something to be proud of.
Upon meeting one of those legends, Jim Walker I was particularly struck by how at peace he was with the world, very relaxed, very friendly and by far the best story teller of them all.
Jim had not long ago lost his wife to illness so immediately him and my dad had something in common other than the love of football, he made us very welcome and gave us an open invite to go round when ever to continue with the tales.
Now most people may remember Jim as the guy who was signed by Clough & Taylor from non league football to play for Derby County and was a major part of the team that won promotion from division two in 1968/69.
He lost his place in the team to John Mcgovern but captained the reserves and stepped in when required to cover injuries of suspensions, this meant that he played only a few games in the 1971/72 season but it was his goal in a 1-0 win against Crystal Palace in late march that gave Derby both points and if you remember we won the league and finished first above dirty Leeds who were just one point behind and had a greater goal difference, so in effect Jim scored the goal that won us the First Division Championship.
Aswell as a footballer Jim is probably better known as the Aston Villa physio, he was there for around twenty years and served under many managers including Graham Taylor, Ron Atkinson, Brian Little and John Gregory, he was also the man charged with looking after Paul McGrath for many years both on and off the pitch and is spoken of in very high regard in Pauls autobiography.
He had a private practice at the Belfry for the golfers and was also the go to man at the NEC when any pop stars suffered an injury or needed attention from a physio, he worked with George Michael, Elton John, Neil Diamond, Michael Hutchence and Kylie to name a few hence him having so many fantastic stories.
Jim has also had illnesses this however does not dampen his spirit or take a smile from his face.
One thing that I was amazed to hear that Jim did not receive a medal for winning the league title despite being only one of sixteen players in that 71/72 season to have donned the shirt and scoring such a valuable goal.
When ever you see the pictures of the team celebrating and holding up their medals jim does not have one.
I approached Andy Ellis the club historian and the writer of many Derby County books and the fount of all knowledge and he confirmed it.
So we the approached the club and asked if they would support an application to Gordon Taylor of the PFA to ask if he would inturn support an application to the football league to present Jim with the medal that he should have received 46 years ago.
The club agreed and they sent the letter to Gordon Taylor who gave it his blessing and the approach was then made to the football league, this was back in February this year after the ball was started rolling in June of 2017 so it took a while.
I am delighted to say that the agreement was given and Derby County approached the very same jewellers who had made the original ones to make one for Jim, to the exact specifications of the original medals and in the same box and made from 9ct gold with all of the hall marks.
For some reason the club at this time can not be seen to publicly present Jim with the medal which is a great sadness as I thought that he was going to be able to step out on the pitch at Pride Park on the opening home game against Leeds (quite fitting as he stopped them winning the league with his goal), it is a litigious matter so I will comment no further other than to say that they did everything that they could.
So to wrap up the story I had the great honour of going to Jims house today with my dad and my son and presenting him with his long overdue medal, he had no idea that it was coming and to say that he was over whelmed is an understatement.
It was great to see his face and to have the privilege to do something like that, I had the medal at my house for a while but obviously didn’t want to post any pictures until now as it was a secret.
Not very often that you get to present a league championship winning medal on behalf of Derby County and to one of the few from those great days and can be called the legends.
We are hoping that Jim will still be able to have amore public presentation at sometime in the season at Pride Park when what ever issues are resolved.
Up the Rams !!
 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it inhis mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the   monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did  just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to **** that cue ball out, he measures everything first."

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral.
A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
"Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

Sad news from the Nestle factory today.
A worker was crushed beneath a large box of chocolate that fell 20 feet off some racking on to him. 
 
He repeatedly called for help, but every time he shouted “The Milky Bars are on me”, his colleagues cheered. 
 
 

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have a Euro between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage. 
Murphy says “Are you mad? Now we're skint!” “Come on” says Paddy, “follow me.”
They go into the pub, order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the sausage through the flies of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it. The barman goes berserk and throws them out. 
10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says..
 “I cant do this any more, my knees are sore and I'm pissed.”
“How do you think I feel?” says Paddy, “I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in?!”

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
Apologise and wipe it off.

A professor at the University of Nottingham was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
 
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
 
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
 
She replied, "Probably watching 'Forest at the city ground  with his mates"

A couple driving home run over a badger. They stop to see if it is ok. The badger was breathing but very cold.
The man said to his wife put it between your legs to warm it up.
The wife said but it's wet and it stinks.
The man said well hold its nose.

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. 

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. 

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. 

She replies 'Well, my name was Bob, and I played for Wigan !'. 

A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but ******* complain since you got here."

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
 
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
 
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
 
Floor 1 - These men have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
 
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
 
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
 
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Missus was getting ready for bed the other night and was standing in front of the dressing table mirror ,my hairs going grey ,I've started getting wrinkles and everything's going South what do you reckon ?
"There's bugger all wrong with your eyesight "  I reply.

I got home and told the wife I'd bumped into the milkman this morning and was chatting to him, he reckoned he'd bonked every woman on the street except one.
That will be the snotty cow from number ten up the road she replied.