IlsonDerby

Missus was getting ready for bed the other night and was standing in front of the dressing table mirror ,my hairs going grey ,I've started getting wrinkles and everything's going South what do you reckon ?
"There's bugger all wrong with your eyesight "  I reply.

I got home and told the wife I'd bumped into the milkman this morning and was chatting to him, he reckoned he'd bonked every woman on the street except one.
That will be the snotty cow from number ten up the road she replied.

I scared the postman today by going to the door naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived!

Went for an interview at a Blacksmith's today
Blacksmith: 'You any good at shoeing horses?'
Me: 'No, but I once told a donkey to **** off'

The Manchester manager Jose Morinho flies to Khabul to watch a young Afgan boy play football,he is suitably impressed and asks the young boy to come over to Manchester.Two weeks later Manchester are 2.0 down to Watford with only 20 minuites left,Morinho gives the nod and the young lad is on the pitch.He is a sensation and scores 3 times in the last 20 minuites as United win 3.2.The fans,coaches and manager love their new star.When the player comes off the pitch to tell his mum about his first game for United,he tells her how he scored 3 goals and tht everybody loved him at Old Trafford."just wonderfull" his mum said,let me tell you about my day,your father got shot in the street,your sister and I got ambushed and assaulted,she would have been raped if a policeman hadn't seen what was happening,and your brother has joined a gang of looters and set fire to some buildings.The young lad is very upset and says to his mother I am really sorry.Sorry! sorry!,its your bloody fault we came to Manchester in the first place.
 

Get out. 
8/10 really good bit of fluff, not a film to live long in the memory, but enjoyable while it's playing.
 

Not sure how loans work, but Simon Dawkins doesn't need to start work in the MLS till early March, time to get the SDMLB functioning again?

How can you honestly for one think we could get Zaha on loan when he is a regular starter for Palace and is one of their best players.
And secondly how can you think that he is no better than Ince. Zaha is top class. 

Have to say if there's Doombar available I'm inclined to have that but I tend to stick to bitter rather than real ales when out. Smiths or Mansfield do me fine.