Posted October 10, 201410 yr Hey mates, I posted a thread a while ago about a crime novel set in and around Derby that I was working on? Anyway, I have written a rough draft of the prologue and first chapter and would like to get some feedback if possible. I hope to eventually get the finished product published, or just self-publish it myself and see what happens. Any feedback is appreciated mates. It is set in and around Derby and focuses on a former Derby goalkeeper turned private detective. I may still revise these some more, but regardless here goes and thanks. I will use this thread to post updates about it if enough interest is in it. Thanks again. Should also say I write short chapter's as is my style and is in the style of James Patterson as well. Prologue The view the killer had outside the flat was of a lonely, deserted stretch of road in the tiny parish of Weston-on-Trent, just 9 miles from Derby. He started grinding his teeth on,off,on,off just as he had done for the last two and half anticipation filled hours waiting for his target and her
October 10, 201410 yr My first observation is that the setting is wrong. In the last fifty years I can only think of one murder in or near Weston on Trent. It is nothing like the Bronx. It is a sleepy one horse little village. It is not the kind of place you would get murdered with a machete. By the way, it must have been a very small machete if he had it in his pocket. Also I doubt if there is much demand for prostitutes in the village. Most of the people who live there are pensioners who are far too old for sex. The few yokels who are sexually active there keep it within the family and that does not necessarily mean with the wife. Don't let my small criticism put you off. Keep on writing.
October 10, 201410 yr The last sentence is way too American. 'Clean sheet stopper' doesn't make sense either. Apart from that it's definitely the best book I've read today.
October 10, 201410 yr Why would you want to set this book with references to DCFC? That just kills off any chances you have of a publishing company taking the book or the writer seriously. The reader would have to be a) interested in football which just takes your target market down by about 60% and b) have an interest in DCFC which takes that market down by a further 98%. Or is this just a hobby to do in your spare time for a bit of a laugh?
October 10, 201410 yr When do you get to the bit where you meet the Russian bird? she falls in love with the big bad satanic yank and they all live happy ever after in Moosebutt Alabama? Must be in Chapter 2. Also you have got to get beating the gumps 5-0 or you are not proper Derby.
October 10, 201410 yr A few more thoughts have come to mind about your opus. Why did he drag her into the closet to kill her? In the UK our closets are very small and full of rubbish. I haven't got room to swing a cat in mine and I certainly haven't get enough room to swing a machete at a prostitute in there especially the big woman you've described. Why is he with a prostitute anyway? Most footballers here are fighting the women off. Why would he pay for one? Most of our Spanish footballing imports are fairly good looking and they don't drink much. They don't need to pay for sex. I can't even imagine Iv
October 10, 201410 yr Author Why would you want to set this book with references to DCFC? That just kills off any chances you have of a publishing company taking the book or the writer seriously. The reader would have to be a) interested in football which just takes your target market down by about 60% and b) have an interest in DCFC which takes that market down by a further 98%. Or is this just a hobby to do in your spare time for a bit of a laugh? Right now, just a hobby for the most part. I don't intend to finish anytime really soon.
October 10, 201410 yr Author The last sentence is way too American. 'Clean sheet stopper' doesn't make sense either. Apart from that it's definitely the best book I've read today. Yes, I will change that. And from someone I KNOW who reads several books a day, I appreciate the compliment.
October 10, 201410 yr Author When do you get to the bit where you meet the Russian bird? she falls in love with the big bad satanic yank and they all live happy ever after in Moosebutt Alabama? Must be in Chapter 2. Also you have got to get beating the gumps 5-0 or you are not proper Derby. I for one have never been to Alabama, and never intend to go. Weird, weird individuals who live there.
October 10, 201410 yr The reason that a lot of athletes and other celebs use prostitutes is that they won't sell the stories for those garbage pages.
October 10, 201410 yr I for one have never been to Alabama, and never intend to go. Weird, weird individuals who live there. It's like Nottinghamshire only warmer I heard.
October 10, 201410 yr The reason that a lot of athletes and other celebs use prostitutes is that they won't sell the stories for those garbage pages. What? I'd say they would be more likely to sell their story
October 10, 201410 yr I doubt that there would be a second floor flat in weston on trent. The dialogue etc is american.....honey......baby....babydoll.....closet.....nightstand......gotten. The goalie is too young. At late 30s he'd still be playing. Mikey? Gonzalez. Cotton lane? Surely the police station would be St Marys Wharf. where does Roy live if the killer drives towards the Cathedral? Why would a solicitor be involved and convinced of his guilt. Colin Boulton was a former policeman but he's still interested in Derby. Did a few forums.
October 10, 201410 yr Author I doubt that there would be a second floor flat in weston on trent. The dialogue etc is american.....honey......baby....babydoll.....closet.....nightstand......gotten. The goalie is too young. At late 30s he'd still be playing. Mikey? Gonzalez. Cotton lane? Surely the police station would be St Marys Wharf. where does Roy live if the killer drives towards the Cathedral? Why would a solicitor be involved and convinced of his guilt. Colin Boulton was a former policeman but he's still interested in Derby. Did a few forums. I plan to revise tonight. Thanks for the suggestions and why he is still not playing is a big part of the plot.
October 10, 201410 yr I plan to revise tonight. Thanks for the suggestions and why he is still not playing is a big part of the plot. Don't change it to a Normanton bedsit.....a premier league footballer would never live in Normanton. I read an interesting book on criminal profiling once. The killers choice of car weapon would be significant clues. So i'm thinking.....why a machete?......thats a bit exotic....why not a knife? and a Ford Focus?......thats a bit normal for a killer
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