AmericanRam Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Hey mates, I posted a thread a while ago about a crime novel set in and around Derby that I was working on? Anyway, I have written a rough draft of the prologue and first chapter and would like to get some feedback if possible. I hope to eventually get the finished product published, or just self-publish it myself and see what happens. Any feedback is appreciated mates. It is set in and around Derby and focuses on a former Derby goalkeeper turned private detective. I may still revise these some more, but regardless here goes and thanks. I will use this thread to post updates about it if enough interest is in it. Thanks again. Should also say I write short chapter's as is my style and is in the style of James Patterson as well. Prologue The view the killer had outside the flat was of a lonely, deserted stretch of road in the tiny parish of Weston-on-Trent, just 9 miles from Derby. He started grinding his teeth on,off,on,off just as he had done for the last two and half anticipation filled hours waiting for his target and her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petersimple Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 My first observation is that the setting is wrong. In the last fifty years I can only think of one murder in or near Weston on Trent. It is nothing like the Bronx. It is a sleepy one horse little village. It is not the kind of place you would get murdered with a machete. By the way, it must have been a very small machete if he had it in his pocket. Also I doubt if there is much demand for prostitutes in the village. Most of the people who live there are pensioners who are far too old for sex. The few yokels who are sexually active there keep it within the family and that does not necessarily mean with the wife. Don't let my small criticism put you off. Keep on writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-JW- Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 The last sentence is way too American. 'Clean sheet stopper' doesn't make sense either. Apart from that it's definitely the best book I've read today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcsilks Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Why would you want to set this book with references to DCFC? That just kills off any chances you have of a publishing company taking the book or the writer seriously. The reader would have to be a) interested in football which just takes your target market down by about 60% and b) have an interest in DCFC which takes that market down by a further 98%. Or is this just a hobby to do in your spare time for a bit of a laugh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angry Ram Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 When do you get to the bit where you meet the Russian bird? she falls in love with the big bad satanic yank and they all live happy ever after in Moosebutt Alabama? Must be in Chapter 2. Also you have got to get beating the gumps 5-0 or you are not proper Derby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boycie Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 I think that's a no from him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petersimple Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 A few more thoughts have come to mind about your opus. Why did he drag her into the closet to kill her? In the UK our closets are very small and full of rubbish. I haven't got room to swing a cat in mine and I certainly haven't get enough room to swing a machete at a prostitute in there especially the big woman you've described. Why is he with a prostitute anyway? Most footballers here are fighting the women off. Why would he pay for one? Most of our Spanish footballing imports are fairly good looking and they don't drink much. They don't need to pay for sex. I can't even imagine Iv Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angry Ram Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 What's an opus? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 Why would you want to set this book with references to DCFC? That just kills off any chances you have of a publishing company taking the book or the writer seriously. The reader would have to be a) interested in football which just takes your target market down by about 60% and b) have an interest in DCFC which takes that market down by a further 98%. Or is this just a hobby to do in your spare time for a bit of a laugh? Right now, just a hobby for the most part. I don't intend to finish anytime really soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 What's an opus? A big fookin book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 Thanks for all the...ummm..tips and replies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 The last sentence is way too American. 'Clean sheet stopper' doesn't make sense either. Apart from that it's definitely the best book I've read today. Yes, I will change that. And from someone I KNOW who reads several books a day, I appreciate the compliment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-JW- Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 I can see this being commissioned on Sky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 When do you get to the bit where you meet the Russian bird? she falls in love with the big bad satanic yank and they all live happy ever after in Moosebutt Alabama? Must be in Chapter 2. Also you have got to get beating the gumps 5-0 or you are not proper Derby. I for one have never been to Alabama, and never intend to go. Weird, weird individuals who live there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cisse Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 The reason that a lot of athletes and other celebs use prostitutes is that they won't sell the stories for those garbage pages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angry Ram Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 I for one have never been to Alabama, and never intend to go. Weird, weird individuals who live there. It's like Nottinghamshire only warmer I heard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 The reason that a lot of athletes and other celebs use prostitutes is that they won't sell the stories for those garbage pages. What? I'd say they would be more likely to sell their story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RamNut Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 I doubt that there would be a second floor flat in weston on trent. The dialogue etc is american.....honey......baby....babydoll.....closet.....nightstand......gotten. The goalie is too young. At late 30s he'd still be playing. Mikey? Gonzalez. Cotton lane? Surely the police station would be St Marys Wharf. where does Roy live if the killer drives towards the Cathedral? Why would a solicitor be involved and convinced of his guilt. Colin Boulton was a former policeman but he's still interested in Derby. Did a few forums. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 I doubt that there would be a second floor flat in weston on trent. The dialogue etc is american.....honey......baby....babydoll.....closet.....nightstand......gotten. The goalie is too young. At late 30s he'd still be playing. Mikey? Gonzalez. Cotton lane? Surely the police station would be St Marys Wharf. where does Roy live if the killer drives towards the Cathedral? Why would a solicitor be involved and convinced of his guilt. Colin Boulton was a former policeman but he's still interested in Derby. Did a few forums. I plan to revise tonight. Thanks for the suggestions and why he is still not playing is a big part of the plot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RamNut Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 I plan to revise tonight. Thanks for the suggestions and why he is still not playing is a big part of the plot. Don't change it to a Normanton bedsit.....a premier league footballer would never live in Normanton. I read an interesting book on criminal profiling once. The killers choice of car weapon would be significant clues. So i'm thinking.....why a machete?......thats a bit exotic....why not a knife? and a Ford Focus?......thats a bit normal for a killer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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