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bizarre and funny put downs.


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Two blokes at work having a bit of a heated debate and one turned to the other and said....


"my **** goes to the same sewer as yours, so don't think you're owt fooking special!"




Arguably the most bizarre put down I've ever heard!

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The funniest one I ever witnessed was a lad named Seamus who I worked with trying the route one chat up method with one of the girls in the office.


Seamus: "What's the chances of getting in your knickers tonight"


Girl: "Seamus, there's only room for one c**t in there"

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The late Tommy Trinder told a story about having got about 10 minutes into his show at some West End theatre, when a bloke walked in with his trousers tucked into bicycle clips and walked down to a seat at the front, complete with bicycle.


Tommy paused in the midst of his patter and said 'Good evening, nice of you to come' hoping to make the bloke feel awkward.


The bloke replied 'If I'd known you were on I wouldn't have f**king bothered'


As Trinder remarked later 'There's no answer to that'

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Another showbiz comment, this timetold by  Roy Hudd about himself. Having just left the studio after a radio broadcast, he flagged down a taxi.


"'Ere you're that Roy 'udd, aint yer?"


"That's correct"


"My missus listens to all your programs"


"That's nice . Does she enjoy them?"


"Nar, she finks you're bladdy awful!"

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A not at all very good comic I heard in a pub at an 'open mic' session in Dublin a few years ago was getting very pissed off with a heckler and finally came out with "Do you think that you can pick your teeth up with a broken arm?" 


It got the best (possibly only) laugh of his set.

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Winston Churchill had some crackers.


Accused by some bint of being pissed, he replied "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly".


Some other woman said, "Mr Churchill, I was your wife I'd put poison in your coffee." He came back with, "Madam, if you were my wife I'd drink it".


Genius for me.

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I was on the receiving end once from one of my brothers snidey mates.

We were in a pub having a drink

I said " there's something wrong with this pint....it looks like piss"

He responded.....

"No mate, thats just your reflection".

I still can't think of a decent response to that.

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