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CumbrianRam

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Man City 'Will Sign God In Next 24 Hours'

Not content with capturing the signature of mercenary midfielder Gareth Barry this week, sources at Manchester City say they are close to shattering the British transfer record with an audacious swoop to bring God to the City of Manchester Stadium in a deal thought to be worth close to forty-five thousand billion pounds as well as a promise of eternal worship from senior figures at the club.

Although better known for commanding all beings into existence by his mighty word alone, God also has a useful track record in professional football, and is seen by the free-spending Eastlands club as an ideal foil to Vincent Kompany in midfield. Blues boss Mark Hughes, whose Dubai-based bosses have given him a reported summer transfer budget of one hundred trillion pounds, a substantial portion of the United Arab Emirates, thousands of barrels of oil and several dozen slaves, said: 'you're always after players who can make things happen. And in God's case obviously, with His mighty hand He hath done many wonders, and everything that is, cometh from Him. Stephen Ireland's capable of doing that as well on his day, but this will give us options'.

Club captain Richard Dunne enthused: 'Behold, he smiteth the wicked and the impure. And that's something we were missing from the midfield last season'.

A spokesman for God stressed this move would 'not be about the money', pointing that God already owns 'everything that was, is, or is to come'. 'For him it's all about finding a new challenge,' said a short statement read to the press, which added: 'Rejoice! He liveth for evermore.' However, God is reportedly only to be offered a two-year contract at this stage.

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The Church has made a statement saying they would expect to fetch at least "All of the worlds money and everything else in the universe that physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally exists" if God were to leave the Vatican stadium for Eastlands.

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