With apologies to Yes Prime Minister

[Half fan]

PM: "Why do you keep standing next to me in the Technical Area, Sir Humphrey? The voters will expect us to make some tactical changes as a result. Or worse, a re-shuffle mid-term."

SH: "Oh no, PM, it's just that your predecessor always stood out here alone and looked so lonely. We wouldn't want the voters to think we didn't rate you, would we now?"

PM: "Well surely everyone WAS right behind my predecessor?"

SH: "Quite, Prime Minister. They were certainly behind him - just a long way behind."

PM: "Anyway, the opinion polls don't seem too favourable right now. My personal rating is plummeting."

SH: "Oh not to worry Prime Minister. Mid-term polls always are a problem. But at least the Party Chairman has faith that these are indeed mid-term and not end of term polls."

PM:" That's all very well Sir Humphrey, but I'm worried that we will lose a lot of seats in the current by-elections before we all re-assemble in August. I just don't understand why the Party Chairman has instructed all our team to appear so laid back and not to take anypot-shots at the opposition. We are giving them free rein to run rings around us - especially that turn-coat who used to sit on our side of the house."

SH: "The Party Chairman is a wise old bird, as we know. He can see we will be better off staying in the EU with the small fry rather than exiting it and being exposed to the big boys in the Global Market. There are some big players out there with much bigger resources than us and we are simply not strong enough to face them. The FIFA President has already warrned us that we would be at the back of the queue.Remember last time we played in the Big League, you polled the lowest number of votes ever. We don't want a repitition of that, do we Prime Minister?"

Bernard:" Terrible, savage things happened during and after that time Prime Minister, it was nearly the end of your party. Members departed in droves."

PM: "Mm, I suppose better to be a big fish in a small pool, eh Sir Humphrey, and give the voters some sort of recovery to hope for rather than just moan about everything all the time. Thank you so much for standing by me."

SH: "Yes Prime Minister".

PM: "By the way, those shorts just don't suit you. Do try and give the right impression like me, and wear a suit."

SH: "Yes Prime Minister".

 

[Carnero]

Bravo

[Half fan]

EPISODE 2

PM: "I see now, Sir Humphrey, why the Party Chairman removed my predecessor. He was becoming too successful and just might have taken us out of our comfort league. Just not the Party Way."

SH: "Indeed, Prime Minister - and do make sure you aren't stabbed in the back by your 1922 Committee.  It was an unprecedented meeting by all accounts. There was no way back from that in January for your predecessor.

PM:"Yes, but if he was doing so well in the polls, why didn't those who said they wanted to compete in the Global Market support him?"

Bernard:"Rumour has it that he had the Whips out on them all the time, and they didn't like all the hours they were having to spend in their jobs as compared with in the bars."

PM:"Even so, don't we need to save some face in Tuesday's by-elections? You know, re-structure the front bench, bring in some of our big-hitters and manage the media better - that sort of thing?"

SH: "Maybe your chap with the white hair can be pushed forward into the lime light, he seems to reach the areas others can't."

PM: "Oh, you mean Boris. Yes that's a thought, but what if he's too successful and despite all the opinion polls we pull off a shock victory? Won't the Party Chairman be a bit upset?"

SH: "I think you are forgetting some of the other players in your team, especially in the Defence Ministry. There's always a mistake in some of them - and we can rely on the opposition to exploit them. But at least your own ratings will improve and possibly enable you to remain as leader once everyone reconvenes in August."

PM: "So the Party Chairman would be satisfied with my initiative and the members would regain some faith in us. But should I express some regret for the failings so far?"

SH: "WHAT, apologise?! That would never do. Nearly as bad as wearing shorts and a track suit instead of a suit."

PM: "Oh, you mean people might twig that even the emperor thinks he has no clothes."

SH: "Yes, Prime Minister."