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Pulling a sickie.


Rev

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What are the best excuses you've heard, or even used yourself? 

A colleague of mine is very much a skiver, and has been caught out repeatedly in the past. On one occasion, he was missing for a few weeks, looking after his missus who'd had a heart attack and needed constant care. It was only when she popped into the factory to surprise him one day on her way home from work, looking pretty chipper for someone bed bound, that he returned, shameless, the next week. 

One year, he questioned why his bonus was lower than others who perform the same role, and was told it was because he'd only worked 4 Mondays and a dozen Tuesdays in the preceding year.

Today however, he's elevated himself in my eyes to God like skiver status, here's why.

"Sorry boss, I won't be in today and you'll never believe why".

You're right, I won't, but indulge me anyway.

"It was around 1am I awoke, needing a piss, so climbed out of bed and made my way towards the bathroom. After navigating the bed successfully in the pitch black, not disturbing the wife, I pulled on the bedroom door handle, which promptly came off in my hand ".

Go on.

"Well, this is a pickle I thought, I'll have to ring someone to assist. That's when I realised both my and our Gerts phone were charging downstairs, disaster.

I tried forcing the door, but it wouldn't budge, probably because I have the only bedroom door in the country that has not just a handle, but also a latch lock, operated from the outside. 

Now I'm starting to panic, locked in to the room, no communication with the outside world, a wife who's been startled awake by me messing about with the door, and by now I'm desperate for a wee.

Luckily, I bring a pint of water upto bed every night, as I get thirsty easily, so throw the water out of the bedroom window and relieve myself into the glass, then discard it the same way.

I try hollering for help out of the open window, but due to the time of night my calls fall on deaf, drunken English ears.

The shouting dries my throat out, god I could use a drink, but I no longer have the glass of water. I should've justed peed out the window, I belatedly think".

Sounds terrible, you must have pooed yourself?

"Well, put it this way mate, that's one shoebox that won't see the recycling bin.

After 4 hours of pleading for help, eventually I caught the ear of a fella passing by on his way to work, and persuaded him to dial 999. Eventually the fire brigade turn up, pop a ladder upto the bedroom window, and pass me a toolbox to break open the bedroom door, ending our temporary imprisonment."

Sounds awful mate. I suppose you've never been so embarrassed?

"Why would I be embarrassed, it must happen all the time?

Before the fire brigade left, I even popped outside and had a selfie taken with the crew, who weren't smirking at all. 

It's left me too tired for work today, obviously, but I'll be back tomorrow boss."

 

 

You may think the above is far fetched, but I have photographic proof, and if the demand is strong enough, I'll post it.

Even sweeter, the picture is of him in his Forest kit!

 

 

 

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"When I worked at KFC when I was younger, I had a manager that was Greek, and he didn't understand English very well if you spoke too quickly. One shift he took a call from someone ringing in sick, when he put the phone down he had a confused look on his face;

"That was James, he has rang in sick for tonight." 

"Why, what's wrong with him?" 

"He said that he has downs syndrome" 

??

So I ring him up to have a go. 

"James, what's wrong with you? Why aren't you coming in tonight?" 

"I have irrital bowl syndrome, and it's hit me really badly today" 

?‍♂️?‍♂️?‍♂️

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I'm currently collating a playlist for my colleague, to be played when he returns.

Help me make it through the night.

Help.

Call the fire brigade.

Hard to handle.

Trapped in the closet, etc etc.

Suggestions welcome.

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I once went to Sardinia on holiday with a workmate. The flight back on  Sunday was £140 and the Monday flight was £30. So, we texted the boss on Sunday and said our taxi had broken down on the way to the airport and we would have to pay for another flight the next day.

Everyone took the pish when we got back, saying we are useless etc and we had to internally smirk.

 

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1 hour ago, Ramslad1992 said:

I used to work with a bloke who once a year would miraculously have a relative die as our bereavement policy is 10 days. I’m not saying he abused the system but his nan must have been quite popular because in the space of about 5 years he had 6 grandads die! 

I put a disciplinary together for a chap who kept saying a relative had died as an excuse for a lot of Monday’s off. I left a copy of an email in which someone had said his relatives are dropping like nine pins.

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I worked with a bloke who called in, can't come in today because I've not slept all night. He was playing darts, and had put the dartboard against his radiator, and a stray arrow had hit it and it was leaking. He worked out that the biggest bowl he had filled up in an hour, so he set his alarm to go off every hour so he could empty the bowl. 

We asked if he'd thought of using chewing gum to block the hole and he said, oh, would that work? Obviously not, you idiot. 

Turns out he was serious but didn't know how to turn it off at the side. 

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I played cricket with a work colleague. He bowled two overs for us, was out for three and had a pretty average day in the field. 

On Monday I was looking forward to discussing the game but he was off sick. 

Oh no, I said, what's wrong with him? 

Exhaustion. 

 

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On 08/07/2021 at 18:12, Rev said:

What are the best excuses you've heard, or even used yourself? 

A colleague of mine is very much a skiver, and has been caught out repeatedly in the past. On one occasion, he was missing for a few weeks, looking after his missus who'd had a heart attack and needed constant care. It was only when she popped into the factory to surprise him one day on her way home from work, looking pretty chipper for someone bed bound, that he returned, shameless, the next week. 

One year, he questioned why his bonus was lower than others who perform the same role, and was told it was because he'd only worked 4 Mondays and a dozen Tuesdays in the preceding year.

So this guy took off 48 Mondays off without permission and 40 Tuesdays, plus several weeks lying about a sick wife and he's not been fired?

Are you Civil Servants by any chance?

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I had a brilliant job once mowing grass verges and emptying dog bins on council estates. It was a hot summer and I really wanted to keep the job but I could never seem to get in on a Saturday morning. My boss told me not to turn up again if I missed this next Saturday and I gave him my word I'd be there. I went out as usual that Friday night but somehow managed to find myself in Skegness on Saturday morning so had to find a pay phone and make the excuse of my life. I went into great detail about my sore throat and swollen tonsils and by luck the van I was supposed to be in the back of had broken down anyway and it looked like I was actually going to get away with it until my "friend" opened the door and shouted "he's in Skeggy sack him!". I got sacked.

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6 hours ago, Bob The Badger said:

So this guy took off 48 Mondays off without permission and 40 Tuesdays, plus several weeks lying about a sick wife and he's not been fired?

Are you Civil Servants by any chance?

The Monday's aren't as bad as they look, because of bank holidays.

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Working for Morrisons straight from school, parents went away leaving the house to myself. Well this was I was turning into a bit of a raver, went to Progress on the Saturday night and it somehow my house was nominated for a large scale after party.

Got back in a taxi, must have been 80 odd people waiting in the front garden at 4am. Having introduced myself to these unknown rogues, I opened the doors and the party resumed.

I was due in to work at 8am, something that had slipped my mind somehow entirely, not wanting to get sacked I had to come up with a decent excuse why I couldn't go in. Started phoning my boss an hour before I was due in, was going to wing it, still to this day not sure why the words "I've broke my leg" fell out my mouth but there was no going back now.

Thinking I was a genius, the neighbours started smashing the door in, kicked everyone out, rang my parents who went ape, next day they forced me to go into Morrisons and apologise for lying, which I did, walking in and seeing the boss in utter confusion, got yanked round the back and quickly given my P45.

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4 minutes ago, David said:

Working for Morrisons straight from school, parents went away leaving the house to myself. Well this was I was turning into a bit of a raver, went to Progress on the Saturday night and it somehow my house was nominated for a large scale after party.

Got back in a taxi, must have been 80 odd people waiting in the front garden at 4am. Having introduced myself to these unknown rogues, I opened the doors and the party resumed.

I was due in to work at 8am, something that had slipped my mind somehow entirely, not wanting to get sacked I had to come up with a decent excuse why I couldn't go in. Started phoning my boss an hour before I was due in, was going to wing it, still to this day not sure why the words "I've broke my leg" fell out my mouth but there was no going back now.

Thinking I was a genius, the neighbours started smashing the door in, kicked everyone out, rang my parents who went ape, next day they forced me to go into Morrisons and apologise for lying, which I did, walking in and seeing the boss in utter confusion, got yanked round the back and quickly given my P45.

Go on I'll do it

 

F1DE1B87-76D8-41EF-B974-EBC4B18EF6E1.jpeg

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Worked with a lad who was often scratching to make it in before 8 a.m. because he'd had too many shandies the night before.

Came in one day about half-nine looking like something the cat had dragged home, "sorry boss, the car wouldn't start". He only lived 500 yards from the factory.

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18 minutes ago, Grumpy Git said:

Worked with a lad who was often scratching to make it in before 8 a.m. because he'd had too many shandies the night before.

Came in one day about half-nine looking like something the cat had dragged home, "sorry boss, the car wouldn't start". He only lived 500 yards from the factory.

I worked with a guy who was often late, he too lived close to work. Once when the boss asked him why he was late, he said it was because he lived to close to work. He went on to explain that if he over sleeps by 10 minutes it's impossible for him make up that time on his short walk to work, unlike someone who over sleeps  that lives 5 or 10 miles away, as they can make that time up during their longer journey into work.

The boss just walked away  smiling and shaking his head.

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1 hour ago, 1of4 said:

I worked with a guy who was often late, he too lived close to work. Once when the boss asked him why he was late, he said it was because he lived to close to work. He went on to explain that if he over sleeps by 10 minutes it's impossible for him make up that time on his short walk to work, unlike someone who over sleeps  that lives 5 or 10 miles away, as they can make that time up during their longer journey into work.

The boss just walked away  smiling and shaking his head.

Can't argue with logic like that.

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2 hours ago, 1of4 said:

I worked with a guy who was often late, he too lived close to work. Once when the boss asked him why he was late, he said it was because he lived to close to work. He went on to explain that if he over sleeps by 10 minutes it's impossible for him make up that time on his short walk to work, unlike someone who over sleeps  that lives 5 or 10 miles away, as they can make that time up during their longer journey into work.

The boss just walked away  smiling and shaking his head.

People at work who are always late are the ones who live the closest

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