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Had training with my local pub football team, Trainers were dirty so washed them in the kitchen sink, Put them out to dry, 4-5 hours later still wet, So decided to put them in the microwave, 2 minutes later, Kitchen stinking of burnt rubber, A size 8 trainer came out a size 6 Turkish slipper.

Never thought it was stupid until 2mins later 😡

 

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Johnny Russell smacked me in the balls pre season at Burton.

It was going to hit a nipper on the row in front full in the face, so I shoved him out the way with both hands, and took the blow like a little bitch.

I then ignored the bleeding and swelling long enough for the scrotum to become infected, resulting in emergency surgery some while after, leading to daily visits to the nurse and from the district nurse to clean and repack the wound.

Didn't even get a signed shirt out of it!

Still have Pac-Man shaped bowlocks to this day.

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Microwaves are my nemesis.

Jimmy Tarbuck used to advertise microwaves as a new addition to the kitchen by Sharp early 80s I think, He put a bowl of soup in and came out hot, Hang on I thought if it's hot how come he's not burnt his fingers when taking the bowl out.

Any road she wanted one so I bought one, A big Mother it was too, So I set it all up and gave it a whirl, I thought i'd have a tin of rice pudding, Yes you've guessed it, I put the tin in the microwave, It was November 5th right infront of my eyes, A Sparkler show.

The maganatron had blown, I took it to be repaired, But told her the glass door was cracked when I unpacked it, Never told her in the 39 years we were together.

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16 hours ago, uttoxram75 said:

You'd need 8 pints of pedigree to be brave enough to go into the Mitre on a Saturday night.....

Surely you’d take the Mitre and all that’s in it, you’ll take the Mitre in half a minute?

With your charm. 😘

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Christ where do I start...

I once locked the Mrs and our 10 month old lad out of the house whilst out on the lash with my mates.  She had to come pick me up from Super Bowl in Sinfin, and drive me home in the hope that I would be able to fish the front door key out through the letter box, using a magnet on a piece of string.  After managing to get inside the house, and have a 30 minute barnie with each other, I then noticed I'd left Super Bowl without swapping the bowling shoes for my own footwear...

Another time, she had to come and find me at 3am, as I'm spent what little money we had at the time, on getting poo-faced in town on a bank holiday, and had only left myself a tenner to get back from Derby to Sawley, which only took me as far as Borrowash.  Therefore with my drunk logic working overtime I thought I'd jog the rest of the way home.  When she found me 10 minutes later, with the now 6 year old lad in the back of the car, she wasn't assumed.

Then this February just gone, I managed to lose my house/car keys whilst out in Sheffield, with my mates, on the lash.  Queue a mercy dash back to Long Eaton, via 3 separate trains in the vain hope of making it back up there to save the night.  I managed to get home at midnight, with the sofa bed in the spare room made up for me.  My brother in law was very understanding, driving up back the next day with my spare key.

I'm sure there's a common theme running through these tales, but I can't think what...

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Not done it yet but I’ve started running a bit so I’m going to get a proper running lead and take Igor.

I know it will be a disaster but I see these runner types with their border collies and Weimaraners fastened to these chord thingies and I’m going to get one and don’t care if I look ridiculous.

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12 minutes ago, Van Cone De Head said:

Not done it yet but I’ve started running a bit so I’m going to get a proper running lead and take Igor.

I know it will be a disaster but I see these runner types with their border collies and Weimaraners fastened to these chord thingies and I’m going to get one and don’t care if I look ridiculous.

Just get a saddle and ride Igor

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