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If ANYONE sticks with this long enough to read it, I'll be amazed and I'll start to think you're as mental as me.

Anyway, having read the Cocu threads, the Mac 1111111 threads and then not being able to sleep for 2 days I wrote this. It's long and it's baalocks but it made me smile and that; s all that matters.

Longest pointless post ever alert.

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FA Cup Quarter Finals – 21st March 2021.

Derby County v Burton Albion

With both clubs enjoying a recent upturn in fortunes, we’ll have in depth interviews from both managers ahead of today’s Quarter Final FA Cup clash.

A game which sees newly promoted and last season’s shock FA Cup finalists Burton Albion visit Pride Park to play Champions League qualifiers Derby County in what promises to be an exciting new era for both clubs.

Although the gulf in class between the two squads is huge, the game is expected to be close with Derby’s flair being matched by the hustle and graft of the workmanlike Albion players.

In the home dugout, Steve McClaren recently returned as Head Coach of Derby for his 3rd spell in charge, after the shock and seemingly unexplainable sacking of the most successful Rams manager of recent times in Philip Cocu.

Cocu can count himself very unfortunate to lose his job, having secured promotion from the Championship in his first full season and then leading the Rams to 4th place in the top flight before being let go after just 3 games of his 3rd season in charge.

So with Cocu’s time up, today’s game sees the return of 2 ex Ram managers. One looking to re-build his reputation following unspectacular spells at QPR and then perhaps even more surprisingly at non-league Matlock Town

 Meanwhile Nigel Clough is just grateful to still have a job having fluked Burton’s back to back promotion from League One to the Premier League, taking over a squad built by Gary Rowett.

It doesn’t matter that Rowett left 10 years ago and not one player from his squad is still playing football, Rowett did the ground work and Clough did half a job. He won the league by a record margin but still somehow managed to nearly duck things up.

There’s been huge pressure on Clough following an online petition from Brewers fans wanting him out ‘cos  he’d extended Jake Buxton and John Brayford’s contract by another 10 years and that was why they lost the FA Cup final last year.

The final straw for many fans was Clough asking Ben Robinson to pay for 20 Happy Meals on the way back from Wembley.

The online community of football guru’s and keyboard warriors went into overdrive, with StonRoy a lifelong Burton fan with a Derby season ticket quoted as saying.

“duck me, we should be smashing teams like Liverpool and does he think the club is made of money?” I bet he only gave those happy meals to his mates while Matty Palmer had to nearly starve to death”

“I was told by a source that Clough licked poor Palmer’s cheeseburger before putting it back into its bun without saying a word, that’s typical ducking Clough that is”

The rumours were perhaps surprising as Matty Palmer now plays for Bradford and hasn’t been at Burton for 3 seasons.

The Burton fans however, are left in no doubt that Clough ruined the poor lads career by making him eat everyone else’s gherkins and then by having the audacity to play veteran goalkeeper Stephen Bywater in goal instead of Palmer who is an attacking midfielder. Asking with some justification why Palmer was left sitting on the bench when Bywater had literally done duck all,  all game.

Perhaps fortunately for Clough, the long standing Brewers chairman Ben Robinson isn’t a total ducking idiot and didn’t bow to the 186 die hard Burton fans who voted  “Clough Out”

Any other Chairman would have fired Clough after losing to Bath City away in 1998 in the Southern Premier League when it was blatantly clear that Clough had taken the Brewers as far as he could

So inexplicably, Clough keeps his job for now but surely it’s only a matter of time before Robinson recognises the long term damage Clough is doing and gives a proper manager like Jimmy Flloyd Hasslebaink the job.


As for the returning Derby boss, many neutral fans were surprised to see McClaren  have to drop out of league football but during the award winning  “If you think I’m Shexy and you want by body” A mockumentary shot when Mel Morris gave film makers given unprecedented access to the Derby dressing room.

 McClaren explained that his being out of the game at the top level wasn’t his fault, it was the result of a witch hunt and a bizarre visit to Dragon’s Den by the bitter and twisted Clough who’d turned his hand to inventing stuff ready for when he got found out as a fraud of a football manager.

Apparently Clough had wasted Burton’s entire season’s transfer budget by getting them to pay for him to enrol on the UEFA A license coaches course, he didn’t understand any of it so while everyone else worked on a fluid 3 at the back, while uber pressing through the transitions and looking for high opportunity passing lanes, Clough was doodling a dot to dot which somehow turned out to be a grand design for a “Stevie Mac” radar. It’s similar to a gaydar but this one sets off whenever McClaren goes within a half a mile of any league club chairman.

 “I came up with the idea when I listened to Ian Holloway give an interview on Talksport about how McClaren had cost him his job by tapping up the QPR Chairman and mithering him to death until he eventually gave in and sacked Holloway to put Steve in charge.”

That worked well.

“He’d done exactly the same at Derby when SuperAgent and CEO by day and Ming the Merciless impersonator by night Sam Rush was in charge of the Rams. Rush eventually sacking me and replacing me with Mac the Knife”.

Apparently Rush was unhappy that Clough had asked for the wage budget to be increased from duck all, to just less than duck all.

Clough continues

“Now, I love that cheeky chappy chicken rearing champion Ian Holloway as much as the average football fan and there was no way I could just sit by and watch Schteve ruin another managers career with his “shneaky sneekers” sneaking up on even sneakier club Chairmen.

“With the money in today’s game and knowing that no manager was safe from Sneaky Steve, it was a no brainer really. The MacDaddyDar only costs £299 to manufacture and assemble and we sell them for £100k a pair, they come with free wifi as well, which helps. We had some problems initially with the size and the fact the electric shock it gave when Steve was within a mile kept singeing the wearer’s nut sack, but after a tweak or two we managed to make it discreet and comfortable enough to wear in your underpants.

“The Dragons’s loved it and within 3 months we’d sold  91 pairs.”

“Straight after the show my phone went mad with messages from managers up and down the land telling me I was a genius and that they’d been waiting for a product like this for years.

“Surprisingly the only two people who didn’t buy a pair were Mel Morris and Philip Cocu. With Morris adamant there was no need for the 101 times Dutch capped Cocu  to run the risk of getting an electric shock to his balls when he’d already fired big Steve twice before.”

Morris’s comments seemed to indicate that if anything his Cocu would be getting an extension.

“There’s no way I’d let Steve shaft Cocu, he’s been pretty solid since he got here and we still think he’s got youth on his side”

Two weeks later Cocu  was relieved of his duties.

Morris wasn’t available for comment but his PA did confirm that Cocu had left a voice mail from the changing rooms at Moor Farm, Derby’s state of the art training facilities.

We managed to get hold of that voice mail and although there was crackling in the background the fear in Cocu’s voice is clearly audible.

“Ahh fer fucksh shakes Mel, I shouldn’t have lishened to you, I should have bought one of those Dar things, Now I’m hiding in the toiletsh, shcared shitless, I can just about make out a fat ginger bashtard with a bottle of wash and go having a shower, heesh washing hish hair, front and back and heeshs shinging, hang on I’ll put the phone on shpeaker”

He was right but there was more than one voice.

“duck me shideways itshnot just Schteve Shinging, it’s hish hair as well”

I am a rock, I am an Aye, ee aye, land.

With that the phone went dead and the usually rock solid Cocu was next seen back in Holland looking limp, dishevelled and a shadow of his former proud self.

The cut throat world Football moves quickly and one man’s downfall is another man’s opportunity and within 33 minutes of Cocu  packing his sack,  the door was once again open for McClaren to come sliming back and take all of the credit for someone else’s work.

Cocu had left behind a brilliant squad, the work he’d done in the Summer window was nothing short of spectacular.

Dutch playmaker Ruud De Tay was brought in from Feyenoord on a free transfer. Ball playing centre half Kiko Quieres had joined from Barcelona for a cut price 25 million, having played for Cocu at PSV, he went on strike at Barca to force through the move, stating he was a big fan of Derby City and that Cocu was the only manager in the world he wanted to play for.

The biggest coup of all was the signing of Cameroonian World Cup Winner Mbibi Untathay joining on a Bosman from Man City.

Wanting to put his own stamp on the squad McClaren  then re-signed Johnny Russell from Sporting Kansas City for 15 million he brought Chris Martin back into the fold, with the centre forward having been frozen out by the last 3 Derby managers before him and he surprisingly brought back 37 year old Jason Shackell on a rolling one year deal to help Quieres settle into English football.

They got to the Quarter Finals beating League One side Sunderland 1-0, thanks to a Mason Bennett winner with 15 minutes to go.

Overall Derby spent £63 million on 7 players, while Burton Albion signed an unknown Spaniard called Manuel from a hotel side in Mallorca. Apparently he’d just returned to Cala Millor following a successful spell in Barcelona and was recommended to Clough by Roy MacFarland who had retired to the Island.

We asked Clough how the transfer came about

“We put a couple of job ads on the internet to save a bit of money, one for a cleaner and one for a ball playing centre half, Luckily Roy saw the ad and gave me a call to mark my card about this lad being available”

“We spoke for a couple of minutes and even though the line was bad, I liked what Roy had to say so we brought this lad over”

“Roy couldn’t have been more complimentary, said he was brilliant with Ajax, he’d gone under the radar a bit after a spell in Barcelona but was proper hard working and looking for a bit of security with a longer term deal, that money was the last thing on his mind, and that he’s cheap as chips compared to anyone we’d find in England.”

“Then he said some stuff about him mopping up at the back and being fast and a really good sweeper, to be honest it sounded too good to be true but we didn’t have the time or the money to go over there and watch him so we brought him over and we stuck him on the bench for the Chelsea game even though he hadn’t done one training session, we just loved his attitude”

“He hardly speaks any English but he understands a bit, anyway he showed up on Thursday, we’d given the rest of the lads the day off so we could  give Manuel a tour of the ground nice and relaxed. Anyway, this lad has been at Ajax, Barcelona, he’s clearly got a bit about him but not one sign of him being a big time Charlie, can you believe he took his coat off and started brushing the tie ups the lads had left behind from training yesterday. I’ve never seen an English player do that in nearly 40 years in the game. How can you not love that?

“It’s been tough for him to settle since the Chelsea game where he got sent off two minutes after coming on but we put that down to the language barrier and his enthusiasm, we’ve had a word with him and if we need him to do a job from the bench today, we’d have no issue putting him on”

Burton had beaten Chelsea in the last round in a surprising and controversial game with Manuel coming on with 10 minutes to go with the game deadlocked at 0-0

Clough explains

“We were short on bodies so Manuel was on the bench, really he was only there to make up the numbers but we thought maybe he’d be the secret weapon, kind of the element of surprise as a last resort”

“Anyway it’s 0-0 and I haven’t got a clue what to do. So I rang a couple of lads off the forum who kept posting that they would have won all of those games I’d lost so I hoped they’d have some ideas. Anyway it turns out one of them was at Gresley watching them and the other one only ever listened to the radio and didn’t know any of players names. ducking hell, cheers lads, what am I supposed to do now?”

“It was Andy Garner who said we might as well chuck Manuel on so I’ve signalled to him to warm up”

“Come on  Manuel son, get yourself warm”

He looks at me funny and all he says is Que?

I swear I’ve never seen a tanned bloke go so white so quickly, he’s nervous as hell anyway I tell him again “Get ready you’re going on sunshine”

Si jefe, Claro

Then he’s off to the dressing room, I’m thinking he must have forgotten his shin pads so I tell Andy to give the lino the paperwork. 2 minutes later Manuel is back kitted up and ready to go.

Ok Son, we want you to go up front

El Que?

Up front son, up front, we need you to flick the ball on from this corner.

“Bueno Mr Andy, OK.”

As he’s running on Gary Crosby who’s sitting in the stand notices he’s carrying the dressing room mop.

He shouts down to Andy to let him know and Andy starts screaming at him.

Manuel, drop the mop Son, drop the ducking mop!!”

Manuel looks over at him funny, gives him the thumbs up, 10 seconds later he’s in the Chelsea box and he’s absolutely twatted David Luiz. Headbutted him and broke his nose. The ref has no choice but to send him off.

As he’s walking off shaking his head Andy get’s hold of him

“ducking hell Manuel, you were only on for 30 seconds, what the duck were you thinking”

You tell me drop the mop boss, I drop the ducking mop. I do good, no?

David Luiz was out cold for nearly five minutes and when he eventually got up, the red mist descended and he ended up punching Lucas Akins in the back of the head, the ref sent him off and awarded Burton a last minute penalty. Akins himself stepped up to slot home calmly and send the Brewers through to the Quarters and a lucrative meeting with neighbours and rivals Derby County, much to the delight of the minority of the 4,200 Pirelli crowd.

Chelsea appealed both the Luiz sending off and the 2 game suspension dished out to Manuel,  They were incensed that Burton had managed to get his ban reduced from 5 games down to 2 by citing the language barrier and the mitigating circumstances of it being David Luiz he twatted, surely he deserved it for having such a stupid ducking hair cut.

The appeal panel couldn’t really argue with either point so that means Manuel is available today and he comes straight back into the squad. Albeit having to settle for a place on the bench.

There’s less than an hour to kick off and we’ll bring you all of the team news and manager interviews before then.

Stick with us.This has the potential to be an absolute cracker.

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Welcome Back and as you join us 37 minutes into what’s already been a really enthralling encounter. 

Steve McClaren has just made it to the touchline, in his usual laid back genius style, but he arrives fresh coffee in hand to find the Brewers have taken a shock early 1-0 lead. Totally against the run of play and with the Rams enjoying near total domination and 98% possession.

There were definite signs of confusion at the back between Jason Shackell and Kiko Quieres, with Quieres looking to play the ball out at every opportunity and Shackell playing his trademark Hollywood hoofs 20 yards straight out of play, then waving his arms around blaming someone else for not getting hold of the ball.

 These two haven’t quite forged the relationship McClaren was hoping for and again today it’s a Shackell passing masterclass, Quieres pulled out wide to give him an easy option but that wouldn’t have looked good at all so instead Shackell chip passed it 10 feet above his head and out for a Burton throw

“ducking hell Kiko, if you’re not even going to try, you might as well duck off back to Spain”

“Jayson my friend, I am not, how you say? I am not Peeter fuckeeng Crouch, please give me the ball to my feet”

Again it was Burton legend and all round good guy Lucas Akins who took advantage of Quieres ridiculous lapse of concentration. Hutch Foxinson, Albion’s 15 year old ever present left back, took a quick throw in which Lucas tried to control but somehow it’s bounced off his shin, over his head, through Quieres’s legs, off Shackells baalocks and then somehow ended up at Akins’ feet and despite the brilliant Shackell telling everyone he did what he could to get back and that anyway it was Kiko’s man, he’s inside the box and clean through.

He meant that. It’s Lucas.

He looked give the keeper Jasper Cillesen, Hollands Number 1  the eyes and dink it over him, somehow he’s totally missed the ball, bumped into Cillesen who fell over and the ball ended up trickling over the line, in off his arse while he’s laying prostrate on the penalty spot.

With Akins wheeling away in delight and the Rams players surrounding the referee. The goal was allowed to stand and despite an absolute Derby onslaught it’s still somehow 1-0 as we approach half time.

McClaren, clearly looking to come up with a plan is deep in conversation with his assistant, “Eh, what, we’re 1-0 down, ahh cack, how did that happen, I told them in my team talk not to go 1-0 down, can these duckers not understand simple instructions, anyway, duck it I’m off for a pee, see you in a bit”

We’d  caught up with McClaren earlier in the week and asked him about the genius psychological thinking behind his decision to turn up late and leave early during games.

“yeah well it’s a mixture of the European approach but I like to stay ahead of the game so I’ve put my own special Stevie stamp on it”

“While I was at Twenty in Germany, them Germans were proper efficient. Never late for anything, literally everything ran to the 100th of a second. It was perfect but it made the players like machines and I didn’t want that, so I started getting there late and leaving early”

“It worked a treat, you should have seen the look on their faces when I strolled in at half 3 and we were already 2-0 down, it teaches them character and it teaches them to stand on their own 2 feet and make their own decisions”

I loved it, the press lapped it up and labelled me a forward thinking coach way ahead of my time, so I kept going, even when we lost 16 in a row I didn’t change. It’s important the players see that you believe in your methods”

“Unfortunately I got the sack but I learned so much from that experience. It made me appreciate my own time here is limited and to live every second”

“Then I had a spell at Woflsburg over in Dutchland and it was there I really learned how to master the art of not giving a duck what time we kick off”

The Hollandese are really laid back and once I’d read some of the employment laws in the EU, I realised English managers are having the piss took out of them right left and centre”

“Did you know you’re legally entitled to a 15 minute break every hour? Did you? No, neither did I. So now whenever I can I take my 15 minutes, duck that. If they want me to work a full hour, they can pay me for a full hour”

“So now during games, training, whenever, as soon as it’s break time I get up and go. I use the time to do useful things, sometimes it’ll be to have a cheeky spliff just to take the edge off, other times I’ll go and get a cuppa, sometimes I’ll fit a Spanish lesson in, just in case I’m ever in Madrid. “

They haven’t got them MacDaddyDars in Spain yet, so you never know, it helps me crack on with some of the lads in the dressing room as well”

“Johnny Russell has been having lessons and we sometimes talk in Spanish to confuse Kiko, he loves it”


Today 41 minutes into the game and just 4 minutes after finally making it to the dugout Steve decides to implement his next genius move, confirming the views of the football press that he is indeed up there with the best and brightest minds of the game.

“ahh you know what Simmo, duck it. I won’t have a pee, I’m off to Starbucks, do you want anything?”

Then he remembers he owes Johhny Russell a cup and it’s his turn to pay, never one to be accused of shafting his own players he shout’s across to Russell but decides to do it in Spanish to keep him on his toes.

“Hey Johnny!! Johnny son, I’m on me break, so I’m off to Starbucks “quieres una tathe de te”

“eh gaffer? I can’t hear you, what the duck did you just say? Did you call my wife a slag?”

“no Johnny, for ducks sakes you mad Scottish ducker, calm down, I said quieres una tathe de ducking te”

“ahh gaffer, that’s ducking genius of you, aye go on, I will, 2 sugars”

The TV cameras picked up on Steve waving to Johnny Russell like mad and Jonathan Pearce commented that Mac was obviously trying to get some clear tactical instructions on board. Gary Neville in the Sky studio used super slow motion cameras to lip read what Steve had said.

You could clearly make it out, no escaping

Quieres Una tathe de te.

Then before you could say “a little mouse with clogs on” Russell picks the ball up on the left wing, cuts inside and plays it back to Kiko Quieres, he surges forward like Harry Maguire in his prime and finds Mbibi Untathay free and in space. Untahay quick as a flash plays a one two with Chrissy Martin before laying off a sumptuous ball straight into the path of Ruud De Tay who finishes with aplomb and it’s 1-1.

The speed and precision of the attack was incredible and unstoppable. So good, Gary Neville nearly had an orgasm.

“ooooohhhhh would you look at that, would you just look at that, it’s no wonder McClaren keeps getting top jobs with tactical genius like that, the games going nowhere for them, Burton are comfortable and then you can clearly see Steve tell Johnny Russell to play it through the thirds, you can see him tell him to give it  Quieres, then to Untathay and finally to De Tay, you can’t buy that kind of managerial nous. Fair enough, they’re all Cocu’s signings but it takes a special kind of manager to be able to take a squad built by someone else and make it look like it was his work”


And with that the referee blew the half time whistle.

Derby County 1- 1 Burton Albion and there’s surely only one winner now.

Join us in the second half to see if and how Nigel Clough and his boys try to stay in this.

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12 minutes ago, Pastinaak said:

Let me know if it was worth it. Possibly supply an abridgement?

it;s NOT worth it pal.

It's a piss take account of the relationship between clough, mcclaren, Derby, burton, forum fans and me,

There's probably/maybe one chuckle moment in the whole two million word essay.

Get yourself a cup of tea a bourbon cream and watch the xfactor instead. Time much better spent.

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27 minutes ago, McRamFan said:

Is there a summary available?

either read it or don't.

that's pretty much the summary right there,

Folk asking other folk to read and sum up? that's probably the daftest thing ever. 

If you're interested enough, read it, if you're not don't. 


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14 hours ago, ronnieronalde said:

There's probably/maybe one chuckle moment in the whole two million word essay.

“Jayson my friend, I am not, how you say? I am not Peeter fuckeeng Crouch, please give me the ball to my feet”

Found it!

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1 hour ago, Boycie said:

Some people love themselves more than others.

Not me though, me and my guide dog are fine as we are.

If I didn't love myself I'd be walking around looking this this.



I'm not saying I'm ugly but I've got a face a mother couldn't love. 



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