Social Anxiety

[Smyth_18]

Following on from the things you wish you were good at thread, i feel this deserves its own.

The topic is the biggest issue in my life personally and i feel if i could cure it it would be like winning the lottery.

When i try to explain it, i say that i know what to say in my mind, but it just doesn't seem to make it to my mouth. Hence why online i can express myself. I'm a completely different person online than in real life. The irony being i feel that the real me is being expressed online rather than in 'real life'.

It's literally torture. I know how i want to be, but i can't for the life of me do it. No matter how many books i read.

 

Anyway enough about me.. This is a place for everybody to discuss their feelings towards social anxiety.... go!

[Wolfie]

Have you tried hypnosis?

Lack of self-confidence is my thing & I've recently dowloaded an App by Joseph Clough with loads of hypnosis sessions on different topics. A few are free but you then pay about 4 quid for others.

All I can say is that it helps me (when I remember to use it!). I play it when I go to sleep at night & it does feel like it gives me a boost the following day.

I suppose I should try using it every night for a few days, for a longer term effect.

[Alph]

What kind of environments and situations bring on the stress? Or is it with anyone, anywhere but your closest friends and family?

Obviously you put pressure on yourself to be witty, interesting and likable? You crumble under the pressure?

[RamNut]

Everyone has times when they feel like joining in, or not joining in.

everyone has boundaries that they draw between their different worlds of work, friends, home etc.

however..... i think social anxiety is a notch or two beyond that. 

After bob identified it as social anxiety i looked it up and it certainly fits the symptoms i have observed in a few people.

these symptoms might seem innocent enough but i noticed a pattern whereby eventually those individuals eventually succumbed to long term sickness with stress.

We had a poster on here who seems to have left now who posted about his anxiety issues. Strange thing is that some of the self confessed sufferers are amongst my favourite posters. I'm sure it would be great to meet them, and its difficult to understand how it feels from their perspective. Whatever the cause i doubt whether its a feeling that will just go away.

Thats why  I would urge anyone affected to challenge themselves to cross a few boundaries. 

ultimately everyone has something to say, and brings a little light into everyone else's worlds.

 

[McRainy]

53 minutes ago, RamNut said:

Thats why  I would urge anyone affected to challenge themselves to cross a few boundaries. 

Anxiety is a medical condition caused by overload of the fight/ flight response, it isn't just feeling a bit shy. If you genuinely suffer from anxiety, then forcing yourself into the situations which trigger it is the worst thing you can do. 

[SaintRam]

I don't really have the patience to get properly into this topic, but with my depression and paranoia it's really Anxiety that's the reason I can't go to Derby matches. Thanks to RamsTV that's no longer an issue!

[Coneheadjohn]

3 hours ago, Smyth_18 said:

Following on from the things you wish you were good at thread, i feel this deserves its own.

The topic is the biggest issue in my life personally and i feel if i could cure it it would be like winning the lottery.

When i try to explain it, i say that i know what to say in my mind, but it just doesn't seem to make it to my mouth. Hence why online i can express myself. I'm a completely different person online than in real life. The irony being i feel that the real me is being expressed online rather than in 'real life'.

It's literally torture. I know how i want to be, but i can't for the life of me do it. No matter how many books i read.

 

Anyway enough about me.. This is a place for everybody to discuss their feelings towards social anxiety.... go!

Good thread mate.

[Smyth_18]

36 minutes ago, Lambchop said:

Anxiety is a medical condition caused by overload of the fight/ flight response, it isn't just feeling a bit shy. If you genuinely suffer from anxiety, then forcing yourself into the situations which trigger it is the worst thing you can do. 

As a bit of a sufferer myself i want to agree with you but feel i'd be making excuses for myself!

Forcing myself into situation would definitely trigger the anxieties but may be the only way through it.

[Wolfie]

39 minutes ago, Lambchop said:

Anxiety is a medical condition caused by overload of the fight/ flight response, it isn't just feeling a bit shy. If you genuinely suffer from anxiety, then forcing yourself into the situations which trigger it is the worst thing you can do. 

Not if it's done in a gradual, controlled way. As an anxiety sufferer myself, 10 years or so ago, I found that gradually re-introducing myself into situations which had previously triggered attacks was the best way to overcome my problem. Supermarkets were one of the triggers for me & frequently had panic attacks at the checkout. Having avoided them altogether for a period of time, I then started going back late at night (quiet periods) , which was still hard but I gradually got back to "normal".

2 minutes ago, Smyth_18 said:

As a bit of a sufferer myself i want to agree with you but feel i'd be making excuses for myself!

Forcing myself into situation would definitely trigger the anxieties but may be the only way through it.

Everyone's different of course but this worked for me.

[David]

12 minutes ago, Smyth_18 said:

Forcing myself into situation would definitely trigger the anxieties but may be the only way through it.

Very much this.

You have a few of options really, just accept it and live a limited life, take medication to “mellow” you out which depending on the strength can turn you into a bit of a zombie, or face your fears head on.

Facing your fears is the hardest but most rewarding paths to take.

You basically have to reprogramme your brain, the bit which says you can’t do that, people that suffer with anxiety will only know how hard that is. As I say it’s the hardest path to take but by far the most rewarding.

Take pictures, capture memories so when you’re sat at home saying I can’t do this, look back on what you have done. Nothing out there what you can’t do, only what you choose not to.

We only get one shot at this life on earth thing, don’t waste the bugger as you don’t get another chance.

[LesterRam]

4 minutes ago, David said:

Take pictures, capture memories so when you’re sat at home saying I can’t do this, look back on what you have done. Nothing out there what you can’t do, only what you choose not to.

I cant do that, if I look back I feel melancholy with anything nostalgic. Is this a normal reaction?

[SaintRam]

7 minutes ago, David said:

Very much this.

You have a few of options really, just accept it and live a limited life, take medication to “mellow” you out which depending on the strength can turn you into a bit of a zombie, or face your fears head on.

Facing your fears is the hardest but most rewarding paths to take.

You basically have to reprogramme your brain, the bit which says you can’t do that, people that suffer with anxiety will only know how hard that is. As I say it’s the hardest path to take but by far the most rewarding.

Take pictures, capture memories so when you’re sat at home saying I can’t do this, look back on what you have done. Nothing out there what you can’t do, only what you choose not to.

We only get one shot at this life on earth thing, don’t waste the bugger as you don’t get another chance.

This is definitely the best way, and in many cases will find success.

 

My own attempts at this method have to be heavily controlled though. My social anxiety is a symptom of additional complexities that in turn have other symptoms. All of which can present their own challenges in many of the same situations as social anxiety.

The first and most important step to combating any mental health problem is to reach a good level of understanding of what exactly is wrong. Is Social Anxiety the main problem you face? Is it a symptom of another more far-reaching condition? or does it share your head with other problems that it is independent of?

If you aren't sure what the answer is to that, then I'd advise anyone to talk to family or friends and look for their support in introducing your problems to professionals. For the most part, its far more likely social anxiety has manifested as its own core problem but it can be a symptom of more complex conditions and with those it is dangerous to go head-strong into situations that may trigger it.

Also, just as general mental health advice; because so many neurological conditions can be symptoms - its very dangerous to self-diagnose.

 

Personally, I survive situations that would usually get derailed by my issues by drinking alcohol and avoiding talking to people I don't know, or indeed making too much eye contact.

[SaintRam]

15 minutes ago, LesterRam said:

I cant do that, if I look back I feel melancholy with anything nostalgic. Is this a normal reaction?

They're very similar emotions, we just hear more about nostalgia in the context of happiness. Melancholic longing for what has past is not particularly unusual, it just means you emotionally connected to what you're seeing.

[McRainy]

16 minutes ago, Wolfie said:

Everyone's different 

I think this is key, and only you can know what's helpful or not for you. 

I was diagnosed with severe and persistent anxiety and PTSD following a prolonged period of stress at work. I've also since learned that my stress levels were particularly high due to instinctively masking autistic traits that I didn't even know I had.

Most of the time you wouldn't know. I'm 'high functioning' in the sense that I have an active social life, I'm professionally qualified etc, but because of years of forcing myself into situations which caused high anxiety levels, I'm now at the burnout stage where that is no longer possible. 

I manage it by being very selective in what I take on. Some days are absolutely fine, others I can't get out the door. It's really helpful to understand and recognise your own processes, and make sure you meet your needs for 'down' time.

For me, this means regular periods of silence and solitude, accepting myself as I am and not getting caught into trying to live up to other's expectations. I play music, meditate, and walk as a balance to dealing with anxiety provoking situations. 

[Alph]

In some cases isn't it the same as the anxiety a lot of men get when talking to women they would say are attractive? Like the principal feeling is there. And obviously the more it goes wrong the more pressure you put on yourself and you can get stuck in a cycle? 

I'm no pick up artist but I used to dread nights out because of the pressure to 'pull'. I wanted to meet someone and that was my best opportunity but many nights ended in a terrible effort at 'chatting up' and then my confidence heavily rocked. Not just for the night either. 

But my eldest brother is like a people magnet. People love him and he also seems to be able to talk to your working class Dave as easily as your middle class Tarquinn. I won't say what he used to call me but it was worse than "You are a social moron". 

But he actually helped. Not "pulling girls" necessarily but just to talk. He told me just to say hi to people. Anyone. If they make eye contact say hi. But remember not everyone likes you. Even a social chameleon like him gets ignored and rejected. Doesn't matter who you are, people won't like you. Accept it. Develop an ego to not care. They're the ones with the problem. Not you. You're building an awesome personality. Feck them. 

See a bloke walking his dog? Hi. Waiter comes to take your order? You must be hot doing all the running around. Fit girl passing by you want to marry? Hi, you alright?

They might ignore you, give you a flippant response. So? You've technically lost nothing. Keep going.

I did it and it turns out quite a lot of people are friendly. Some are social morons like me. Some are just rude. 

You don't have to go off straight away and be awesome. You can be a bit poo. But once you're saying "Hi, you alright" you do get reactions that give you confidence. Make a conscious effort just to do it with a fake confidence. Don't try for anything more than hi. Let the fit girl walk on. Don't stop the bloke with his dog until you can actually greet someone feeling relaxed and confident. I

Then afterwards you have to learn to talk poo. People talk poo. They laugh at stuff that isn't funny and a lot of them are full of bravado like you are going to be. People advertise differently but at the end of the day everyone has to present themself to someone else and everyone gets rejection or ignored at sometime. Even if you sell yourself as a loud, tough and confident mans man. Someone will leave you hanging. 

But an awful lot of people are eager to show you they aren't social morons. They will counter your ******** with their own. 

I'm still not a social butterfly but I can make my way through most situations armed with a casual/relaxed attitude I used to fake but with positive responses actually became part of my personality. I even managed to make a girl like me enough to marry me. 

I'm obviously not some guru who's writing a book on socialising. I was just a socially awkward and now I'm not really arsed about any situation. I get rejected and it doesn't really hurt me. But I carry on, talk rubbish, laugh at rubbish until you stumble to the point where two people find something in common that's an important source of emotion for them. 

This is why some people like Boycie can work with customers/strangers everyday and yet not feel comfortable in another situation. Or Reveldevil can feel relaxed meeting a bunch of strangers at Moor Farm but avoids people in Tesco... If you're lead to a conversation that brings out genuine emotional involvement then it's easy to communicate. What's hard is bullshitting until you get there. 

I class myself as an average bullshitter. My older Brother is a pro. But you keep practicing until you develop an attitude and a way of speaking that works on most people. You can end up trying to relax people that aren't relaxed and I dunno if that even helps!! 

But it starts with a simple "Hi". It all comes naturally then as you relax and get positive responses. 

Oh, if you hang around with social chameleons they can be bad for you. They tend to take away your confidence somehow. Better to fly solo. 

That's just my advice for anyone socially awkward really. Don't try to be super smooth and clever. Keep it simple and deliver it with some fake confidence. Harass people! Shout hi out your bedroom window!! Practice! Confidence does come naturally. You had to practice walking and riding a bike. You have to practice conversation too. 

[Rev]

Deleted.

[Philmycock]

Surround yourself with people you’re comfortable with. I hate overpowering people, so stay clear of them. Not always an option but life’s too short to worry about what people think. But then I’m old(ish) and worldly wise!

[1of4]

10 hours ago, Smyth_18 said:

Following on from the things you wish you were good at thread, i feel this deserves its own.

The topic is the biggest issue in my life personally and i feel if i could cure it it would be like winning the lottery.

When i try to explain it, i say that i know what to say in my mind, but it just doesn't seem to make it to my mouth. Hence why online i can express myself. I'm a completely different person online than in real life. The irony being i feel that the real me is being expressed online rather than in 'real life'.

It's literally torture. I know how i want to be, but i can't for the life of me do it. No matter how many books i read.

 

Anyway enough about me.. This is a place for everybody to discuss their feelings towards social anxiety.... go!

Me I'm probably the polar opposite. I'll happily talk to anyone, usually in my first language of utter ballcocks. While being happy in the knowledge that I can verbally convey my thoughts clearly and concisely to anyone. I struggle to do the same when posting on a social media sites.

It as nothing to do with my poor spelling, got spell check for that, or grammar. It just that it can take me over half an hour just to compose a couple of sentences that I think makes any sense and makes it clear in what I'm actually trying to say, even then I often delete it and not post it. Which then leaves me feeling frustrated because I haven't been able to reply to peoples posts.

Took me over an hour to write this. Not ful!y happy with it but gritted my teeth and pressed send.

[i-Ram]

3 hours ago, Alpha said:

In some cases isn't it the same as the anxiety a lot of men get when talking to women they would say are attractive? Like the principal feeling is there. And obviously the more it goes wrong the more pressure you put on yourself and you can get stuck in a cycle? 

I'm no pick up artist but I used to dread nights out because of the pressure to 'pull'. I wanted to meet someone and that was my best opportunity but many nights ended in a terrible effort at 'chatting up' and then my confidence heavily rocked. Not just for the night either. 

But my eldest brother is like a people magnet. People love him and he also seems to be able to talk to your working class Dave as easily as your middle class Tarquinn. I won't say what he used to call me but it was worse than "You are a social moron". 

But he actually helped. Not "pulling girls" necessarily but just to talk. He told me just to say hi to people. Anyone. If they make eye contact say hi. But remember not everyone likes you. Even a social chameleon like him gets ignored and rejected. Doesn't matter who you are, people won't like you. Accept it. Develop an ego to not care. They're the ones with the problem. Not you. You're building an awesome personality. Feck them. 

See a bloke walking his dog? Hi. Waiter comes to take your order? You must be hot doing all the running around. Fit girl passing by you want to marry? Hi, you alright?

They might ignore you, give you a flippant response. So? You've technically lost nothing. Keep going.

I did it and it turns out quite a lot of people are friendly. Some are social morons like me. Some are just rude. 

You don't have to go off straight away and be awesome. You can be a bit poo. But once you're saying "Hi, you alright" you do get reactions that give you confidence. Make a conscious effort just to do it with a fake confidence. Don't try for anything more than hi. Let the fit girl walk on. Don't stop the bloke with his dog until you can actually greet someone feeling relaxed and confident. I

Then afterwards you have to learn to talk poo. People talk poo. They laugh at stuff that isn't funny and a lot of them are full of bravado like you are going to be. People advertise differently but at the end of the day everyone has to present themself to someone else and everyone gets rejection or ignored at sometime. Even if you sell yourself as a loud, tough and confident mans man. Someone will leave you hanging. 

But an awful lot of people are eager to show you they aren't social morons. They will counter your ******** with their own. 

I'm still not a social butterfly but I can make my way through most situations armed with a casual/relaxed attitude I used to fake but with positive responses actually became part of my personality. I even managed to make a girl like me enough to marry me. 

I'm obviously not some guru who's writing a book on socialising. I was just a socially awkward and now I'm not really arsed about any situation. I get rejected and it doesn't really hurt me. But I carry on, talk rubbish, laugh at rubbish until you stumble to the point where two people find something in common that's an important source of emotion for them. 

This is why some people like Boycie can work with customers/strangers everyday and yet not feel comfortable in another situation. Or Reveldevil can feel relaxed meeting a bunch of strangers at Moor Farm but avoids people in Tesco... If you're lead to a conversation that brings out genuine emotional involvement then it's easy to communicate. What's hard is bullshitting until you get there. 

I class myself as an average bullshitter. My older Brother is a pro. But you keep practicing until you develop an attitude and a way of speaking that works on most people. You can end up trying to relax people that aren't relaxed and I dunno if that even helps!! 

But it starts with a simple "Hi". It all comes naturally then as you relax and get positive responses. 

Oh, if you hang around with social chameleons they can be bad for you. They tend to take away your confidence somehow. Better to fly solo. 

That's just my advice for anyone socially awkward really. Don't try to be super smooth and clever. Keep it simple and deliver it with some fake confidence. Harass people! Shout hi out your bedroom window!! Practice! Confidence does come naturally. You had to practice walking and riding a bike. You have to practice conversation too. 

Your brother seems a really nice bloke.

[Boycie]

30 minutes ago, i-Ram said:

Your brother seems a really nice bloke.

Sounds like a bull pooper to me. ???