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Domestic abuse on men


Spenno

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As I assume this is mainly a male dominated forum I wondered if anyone has either first hand or anyone they know has suffered domestic abuse as a man? This doesn't have to be in the physical abuse it can be in the form psychological abuse such as gas lighting or love bombing, controlling relationships and isolating from friends family or children. I feel it's an under discussed problem which causes masses of unseen distress, heartbreak and social problems. Thoughts?

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My first wife used to have a short fuse and get angry with me about the smallest things which would often turn violent.  I was hit and kicked numerous times during the 3 years we were married.  She even broke our car windscreen after punching it one day!  To look at her you would never think she was capable of such power.

Our marriage was cyclical, varying between good times, brief violent snap, hugely apologetic period which at first was kinda annoying but as I was bigger than her and not really getting hurt was more frustrating than anything. Towards the end however the violence became more intense and prolonged until one time I was pushed down the stairs and repeatedly kicked in the back whilst lying on the floor in some considerable pain from the fall.

When the pain subsided I got up and aggressively pushed my wife onto the sofa and threatened her (non violent - just aggressive finger wagging!) to never to lay a finger on me again to which I got the following reply, 'if you ever touch me again I'll have the police on you'.  That struck a chord as I could have suffered in silence for years, taken repeated and prolonged beatings, but one loss of composure and I would have been the one in prison.

We were divorced shortly after that and I never told my friends cos thats not really what blokes do and I imagine that I would have been ribbed about it if I had.  In fact, prior to this the only person I'd ever told is my current wife (of 15 years and counting!) as I'd flinch sometimes during the early days when she'd move near me catching me unawares.

I don't know what percentage of men suffer from abuse (not just violent) but I would imagine most of them suffer in silence.

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A close mate was battered by his missus anytime she got drunk, he put up with it for nearly 20 years! eventually, as his daughter was old enough to move out, he just packed his bags, dumped them at his brother's and went to the pub and never went home.

Oddly, it made him ultra aggressive after a beer or two, but not so much now she's almost out of his system. My sadness is that she took his best years and his confidence and self esteem. Not sure he'll let himself get into anything meaningful again, which I see leaving him feeling quite shallow.

She broke his nose, chipped teeth, bruised ribs, and when he eventually stopped looking hurt, she used weapons to hit him. Very bizarrely, he got into a fight in the boozer with a bigger (fat) bloke, and a few weeks later, in another pub, his (ex) wife walked in and started kicking the crap out of the bigger bloke! Even though they'd been split for many years. She was tiny too. Little skinny ratty thing.

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42 minutes ago, maxjam said:

I never told my friends cos thats not really what blokes do and I imagine that I would have been ribbed about it if I had. 

This part of your post is sad, but unfortunately true to some extent. I imagine if the issue you went through was understood fully, there wouldn't be ribbing, if there was, are they really friends?

But society sees it different, there's been plenty of social experiments on it. When it's the man abusing the woman in public, there's no shortage of people to step in and give the man someone his own size to pick on. However when the roles are reversed, people stay out the way, sometimes even pointing and laughing because for some reason, it isn't seen as the same issue.

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13 minutes ago, Kernow said:

This part of your post is sad, but unfortunately true to some extent. I imagine if the issue you went through was understood fully, there wouldn't be ribbing, if there was, are they really friends?

But society sees it different, there's been plenty of social experiments on it. When it's the man abusing the woman in public, there's no shortage of people to step in and give the man someone his own size to pick on. However when the roles are reversed, people stay out the way, sometimes even pointing and laughing because for some reason, it isn't seen as the same issue.

I'm not sure many in society would laugh at that story.

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2 hours ago, maxjam said:

My first wife used to have a short fuse and get angry with me about the smallest things which would often turn violent.  I was hit and kicked numerous times during the 3 years we were married.  She even broke our car windscreen after punching it one day!  To look at her you would never think she was capable of such power.

Our marriage was cyclical, varying between good times, brief violent snap, hugely apologetic period which at first was kinda annoying but as I was bigger than her and not really getting hurt was more frustrating than anything. Towards the end however the violence became more intense and prolonged until one time I was pushed down the stairs and repeatedly kicked in the back whilst lying on the floor in some considerable pain from the fall.

When the pain subsided I got up and aggressively pushed my wife onto the sofa and threatened her (non violent - just aggressive finger wagging!) to never to lay a finger on me again to which I got the following reply, 'if you ever touch me again I'll have the police on you'.  That struck a chord as I could have suffered in silence for years, taken repeated and prolonged beatings, but one loss of composure and I would have been the one in prison.

We were divorced shortly after that and I never told my friends cos thats not really what blokes do and I imagine that I would have been ribbed about it if I had.  In fact, prior to this the only person I'd ever told is my current wife (of 15 years and counting!) as I'd flinch sometimes during the early days when she'd move near me catching me unawares.

I don't know what percentage of men suffer from abuse (not just violent) but I would imagine most of them suffer in silence.

It’s about 40% of DV victims I think.

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Just now, Steve How Hard? said:

 Well spotted, didn't even realise the irony my username brought to the topic. Still no idea what those two phrases mean though.

Stop it because I’m really struggling not to make an inappropriate comment about @Mrs Cone that I know will get me in trouble...and I know you’re struggling as well(not to make a joke).

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13 hours ago, Inglorius said:

Gaslighting is manipulating someone via psychological means to get them to question their own sanity. 

Lovebombing is again trying to manipulate someone but by declarations of love and affection.

I never knew that these were "things" but seeing the definitons in black & white has rung some big bells with me, concerning a close family member of mine - with whom I haven't had any contact with for nearly 2 years due to this type of treatment of others in the family.

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i had a crazy girlfriend.  She told me stories of her abusive former bf's and like a chump i bought it.  She played a victim while being a manipulative, button pushing antagonistic insulting, overbearing bitch from hell, when not showering me with praise and caresses.  The good times were amazing as you can guess, but holy mackerel the psychological games crap she put me through.

One day when we were having a particularly enthusiastic dispute, she waved a butcher knife in front of me where i sat on the sofa.  See what you are making me do she screamed.  i told her i didn't care if the devil himself made her wave that knife, she was three seconds away from being flattened against the wall by a sofa table and she calmed down.  Somehow later she managed to make me feel guilty for the incident, she was a real artist when it came to mind games.  After six months with her, i packed my stuff and ran my rust bucket car into the ground to reach Reykjavík again.

She ended up doing half a dozen years in prison for stabbing her partner to death.  He hung on for a bit at the hospital, but refused to press charges, claiming it was all his fault.  She was that good.

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Relationships are hard, and people get messed up for lots of different reasons. The best advice you can give anyone in an abusive relationship is to get out. Not just for their own sake but for the other person's too. Then tell them to get professional help. Patterns tend to repeat if you don;t address your issues.

It comes down to mental health. It makes me quite cross when people act all understanding and caring about depression, sharing posts on Facebook, yet in the next update they are happy to wade in and slag people off who they think are acting unreasonably in a relationship. These are mental health issues that people need to get help with. And yes I do speak from experience

 

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This is an interesting thread, besides learning a few phrases I’ve never heard of, I once worked with a bloke who claimed to be harassed and bullied by his female partner. He was by no means a fragile framed guy and could handle himself in a fight. Even had a few tatts to look hard from memory, yet he would come in some days clearly welling up.

For years I used to say why do you take it, why don’t you leave? His stock answer was he loved her on the good days and he didn’t want to leave the kids, he was frightened she wouldn’t let him see them; she used to say she would move away and take them with her. Talk about emotional blackmail. So he just took it. Me and a few good mates felt like mugging her and giving her a right pasting, the guy was on his knees with her refusing any kind of help or counselling.

Cutting a long story short, he came in one day after a period of “illness” with a few bumps and scratches and had plucked up courage to leave. Never understood why it took so long, he had a torrid time in the courts and still never revealed all his torture but he did get access to the kids, who are all grown up now. Unsurprisingly have a stronger bond with their dad and a seriously screwed up mother, who still has issues.

Always knew this stuff went on, just hard to understand why others put up with it so long but can only guess emotional decisions are not always rational ones and sometimes prolong suffering I guess.

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An ex of mine had an explosive temper, fortunately I was never hit directly but did have things thrown at me. I can't believe I didn't run a mile from the start thinking back. She once put her fist through a door I was behind, she was quite a slight thing too, when people are pumped with rage they can have super human force!

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