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New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)


admira

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.

To everyone's amazement, he sticks it inhis mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the   monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did  just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to **** that cue ball out, he measures everything first."

Edited by Coconut
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On 21/03/2018 at 19:31, Strange yearnings said:

Or Spiro Agnew = grow a penis

 

On 21/03/2018 at 19:21, King Kevin said:

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while. 
Someone out there 
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
 

Probably my favourite anagram of all time is the one for the old Conservative Health Secretary: Virginia Bottomley...........

I'm an evil tory bigot

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No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No”.
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile” 
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

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  • 2 weeks later...

Good deed done today, at Aldi check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £51.60 but when she counted out her change she had just under £50. She didn’t want me to help her bless her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

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  • 2 weeks later...

And my daughters favourite:

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

(I remeber telling that to my daughter for the first time in a restaurant. She didn’t get it, but the guy in the stall behind me wet himself laughing).

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An old joke from an old film (Silkwood) I watched last night. I may not have the quote quite right:

There is a Native American tribe where one of the elders names all the babies born.

one day, a young brave asks how he thinks up the names. The elder replies:

"Well I just look around me. If I see a hawk soaring then I will name the baby hawk soaring. If I see a fox hunting I will name the baby fox hunting. But tell me two dogs ****ing, why are you so interested?"

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