AmericanRam Posted April 16, 2018 Share Posted April 16, 2018 A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down. "Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot” Smyth_18, angieram, Chester40 and 3 others 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May Contain Nuts Posted April 20, 2018 Share Posted April 20, 2018 (edited) A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it inhis mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to **** that cue ball out, he measures everything first." Edited April 20, 2018 by Coconut Steve How Hard?, Wolfie, Rev and 6 others 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfie Posted April 20, 2018 Share Posted April 20, 2018 On 21/03/2018 at 19:31, Strange yearnings said: Or Spiro Agnew = grow a penis On 21/03/2018 at 19:21, King Kevin said: This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in a while. Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble. Probably my favourite anagram of all time is the one for the old Conservative Health Secretary: Virginia Bottomley........... I'm an evil tory bigot GboroRam, I know nothing, King Kevin and 1 other 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McRainy Posted April 20, 2018 Share Posted April 20, 2018 4 hours ago, Wolfie said: Probably my favourite anagram of all time is the one for the old Conservative Health Secretary: Virginia Bottomley........... I'm an evil tory bigot Wonderful though that is, having a name that sounds like vagina bottom is pretty awesome to start with. Steve How Hard? and sage 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stive Pesley Posted April 27, 2018 Share Posted April 27, 2018 McRainy 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted April 30, 2018 Share Posted April 30, 2018 I saw a guy stacking shelves at my local grocery store today complaining because the top shelf was broken and he couldn't keep it up. I think he was suffering from a wrecked aisle dysfunction. Steve How Hard? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted May 1, 2018 Share Posted May 1, 2018 No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.” On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”. Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile” The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ViewsFromTheMiddle Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 Steve How Hard? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted May 17, 2018 Share Posted May 17, 2018 I went to a busy restaurant last night and said "Hi, is my table ready?" "Sorry, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" said the Manager "Yeah that's fine” I replied "Great” he said, “Take these to table twelve then" bigbadbob, Steve How Hard? and Pearl Ram 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePrisoner Posted May 17, 2018 Share Posted May 17, 2018 Good deed done today, at Aldi check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £51.60 but when she counted out her change she had just under £50. She didn’t want me to help her bless her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves. Parsnip 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gritstone Ram Posted May 30, 2018 Share Posted May 30, 2018 I have got the missus to take part in a social experiment. I have got her to wear a Forest shirt for a week. One day in and she said she had already been kicked, punched and spat on. God knows how she'll go on when she leaves the house. TigerTedd and Steve How Hard? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 I saw a movie last night about beavers making homes in their natural habitat. It was the best dam movie I've ever seen. Pearl Ram, Smyth_18, ariotofmyown and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philmycock Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 Venison’s dear isn’t it? (Best done spoken!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McRainy Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 3 hours ago, philmycock said: Venison’s dear isn’t it? (Best done spoken!) I got eight leg of venison for £40. Do you think that’s too dear? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TigerTedd Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 What do you call a pavement with a chainsaw and a hockey mask? A cycle path. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TigerTedd Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 And my daughters favourite: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! (I remeber telling that to my daughter for the first time in a restaurant. She didn’t get it, but the guy in the stall behind me wet himself laughing). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tamworthram Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 An old joke from an old film (Silkwood) I watched last night. I may not have the quote quite right: There is a Native American tribe where one of the elders names all the babies born. one day, a young brave asks how he thinks up the names. The elder replies: "Well I just look around me. If I see a hawk soaring then I will name the baby hawk soaring. If I see a fox hunting I will name the baby fox hunting. But tell me two dogs ****ing, why are you so interested?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ketteringram Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 I left my epilepsy pills in my jeans pocket last week, when they went in the washing machine. Now my jeans don't fit. ThePrisoner, McRainy, Pearl Ram and 1 other 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 (edited) The guy who stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family. Edited June 2, 2018 by AmericanRam Alph, ThePrisoner, Smyth_18 and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McRainy Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 I called the RSPCA today and said, “I’ve just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.” “That’s terrible,” she replied. “Are they moving?” “I’m not sure, to be honest,” I said, “But that would explain the suitcase.” Ramchester, AshfieldRam and Steve How Hard? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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