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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
 
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it - This is one ferocious lion! He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
 
The girl says, "I'll go first."
 
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
 
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
 
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
 
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
 
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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A professor at the University of Nottingham was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
 
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
 
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
 
She replied, "Probably watching 'Forest at the city ground  with his mates"

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
 
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
 
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
 
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
 
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
 
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
 
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!” she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
 
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

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Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in  New Jersey .  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,  
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a phone call from his son, Vinnie.

Hey Pop, don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. 

 At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another call from his son.

Hey Pop, go ahead and plant those tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

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SMART-ARSE ANSWERS 2017 :

 


6th  Place 

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the stewardess asked the man seated in the front row.  

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she  replied.

 


5th  Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. 

Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

 


4th  Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, madam, they're dead.'

 


3rd  Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've  been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 


2nd  Place

A  lorry driver was driving along on a country road.  A sign came up that  read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.  Cars are backed up for  miles.

Finally, a police car arrives.  The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the  driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of petrol !'

 


SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR  2017

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. 

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, 
but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen 
if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and said, sweetly, 
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

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Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!  

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.     

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Billy was due to start a new job as a lighthouse keeper. Although the pay wasn’t great, the work appealed because it wasn’t strenuous and he’d have plenty of time to read the paper. 

His first day came, his Mum packed him up with plenty of sandwiches and supplies and the boat took him across. The first task was to check the light, so he climbed all the way up the spirally spirally stairs, made sure everything was working properly, then sat down with a cup of tea, a sandwich and the paper.

Just then the phone rang, so he bolted all the way down the spirally spirally stairs to answer it. It was his Mum; Billy, did you remember to pack your clean underwear, have you got enough teabags, have you turned the light on? Yes, yes Mum, yes I have. When she’d finished, he went all the way back up the spirally spirally stairs to finish his cooling tea and check the headlines.

He’d just moved onto the sports pages when the phone rang again. He ran all the way down the spirally spirally stairs and lifted the receiver. It was the coastguard; is everything alright, have you settled in, did you remember to turn the light on? Billy reassured the coastguard that all was fine and then climbed wearily all the way back up the spirally spirally stairs and slumped in his chair with the paper. 

No sooner had he started reading the article about the arrest of the bishop than the phone rang again. Furiously, Billy threw the paper on the floor and half fell down the spirally spirally stairs, all the way to the bottom to answer the phone. It was his Auntie Maude; Billy, will you give your Mother a ring, because she’s worrying about you on your first day now? It’s alright, Auntie, I’ve already spoken to her, everything’s fine. Eventually, he got her off the line and dragged himself all the way back up the spirally spirally stairs to the top. 

The paper had fallen open at the classified ads, so he perused them absent mindedly whilst wondering what he was going to do about the problem with the telephone. Then one caught his eye; dogs, trained to do anything! Clutching the paper, he hobbled all the way back down the spirally spirally stairs and dialled the number. Hello, dogs trained to do anything, can you train a dog to answer the phone? Yes, yes we can, and we have a dog trained for that very purpose. Great! Billy agreed to the price and arranged to have the dog brought over on the boat in the morning. 

The next day, the boat arrived and Billy met his new dog for the first time. At least he’ll get plenty of exercise running up and down the spirally spirally stairs, Billy thought.  

When the morning tasks were done, Billy sat down with a cup of tea and the paper. Right on cue, the phone rang. The dog shot off, straight down the spirally spirally stairs, all the way to the bottom. Billy heard the dog’s claws clacking down the stairs and then the phone stopped ringing. Great, he’s answered it, Billy thought. Then clack clack clack clack, as the dog came racing all the way back up the spirally spirally stairs. Billy looked at the dog, expectantly; yes? It’s for you, said the dog. 

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A horse is in the pub having a few drinks when spots a donkey in the corner, so he nips over to have a natter. The donkey asks "What did you do for a living?”  Horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter". The donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach". Then he asks "Did you win anything?” The horse says "Yeah, on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”.

They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later. The donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall?” The donkey replies " That’s me when I played for Juventus!”

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