New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)

[FindernRam]

I was waiting to use the cash m/c when the old lady in front asked if I could check her balance for her....so I gave her a shove.

[Bwash_Ram]

[Bwash_Ram]

[King Kevin]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? 
 
  These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ... 
  in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had 
  the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. 
 
  ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
  WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 
  ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
  WITNESS: My name is Susan! 
  _______________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
  WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
  WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 
  WITNESS: July 18th. 
  ATTORNEY: What year? 
  WITNESS: Every year. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
  WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
  ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
  WITNESS: Forty-five years. 
  _________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
  WITNESS: I forget.. 
  ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
  ____________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 
  WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
  WITNESS: Are you pooping me? 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
  WITNESS: Getting laid 
  ____________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
  WITNESS: None. 
  ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
  WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
  WITNESS: By death.. 
  ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
  WITNESS: Take a guess. 
  ___________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
  WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard 
  ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
  WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
  WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
  ______________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
  WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
  WITNESS: Oral... 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
  WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM 
  ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
  WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
  WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
 
  ______________________________________ 
  And last: 
 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
  WITNESS: No.. 
  ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
  WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
  ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
  WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 
 

 

 

[King Kevin]

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

[Gritstone Ram]

https://coronavirusslogan.com

[FindernRam]

My wife said to me, "You weren't even listening were you?"

I  thought, "That's a strange way to start a conversation!"

[FindernRam]

My friend Dipstick just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

 "What did you get?" I asked.  "26 pictures," he smiled, showing me.

"The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."
I said, "Mate, these are from an estate agents."    

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My brother took being sent to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him,

then smeared the walls with his own faeces.......

 I'll never play Monopoly with him again

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 My wife said she wanted to experiment in the bedroom...
So I got her a chemistry set and went to the pub.   

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
"Where the heck have you been?" screamed my wife.
I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."
"Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated.

"Well, you can pack your bags and go!"

 "So can you," I said. "This isn't our house any more."                 
 

[FindernRam]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. 

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. 

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. 

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. 
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. 

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed byPepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. 

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. 

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. 

This means that by 2021, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. 
 

[FindernRam]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be £9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right.. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[FindernRam]

Sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. 

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. 

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' 

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything 

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.   She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. 

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' 

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the   napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to   eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' 

She answered -- 

 

 

(Continue below - This is great) 

'THE TEETH.'

[Mr. P]

[King Kevin]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.' 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

 

 At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. 
 

 When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. 
 

 If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.' 

[King Kevin]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[Bwash_Ram]

When I was in school I got asked, "What is 3000 converted into Roman Numerals ?"

I replied, "Mmm...."

[FindernRam]

Sayings by famous people--maybe:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' 
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
 
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'  
Eleanor Roosevelt  
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. 
Mark Twain
 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns 
 
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. 
Victor Borge 
 
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. 
Mark Twain 
 
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
Socrates 
 
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 
Groucho Marx 
 
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. 
Jimmy Durante 
 
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. 
Zsa Zsa Gabor 
 
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.  
Alex Levine 
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.  
Rodney Dangerfield 
 
Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.  
Spike Milligan 
 
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. 
Joe Namath 
 
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. 
Bob Hope 
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.  
W. C. Fields 
 
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.   
Will Rogers   

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you. 
Winston Churchill 
 
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.  
Phyllis Diller  

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.  
Billy Crystal 

And the cardiologist's diet: -  If it tastes good spit it out. 

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

[FindernRam]

No matter how dull your job there are ways to make it more interesting.

[King Kevin]

[Bigfella]

A Native American introduced me to his wife and said her name was Four Horses.

I said “That’s a beautiful name, what does it mean?”

He said “ bloody nag,nag,nag nag”

 

[Mr. P]

Why did King Arthur sign up for so many zoom meetings?

Because he likes to be on cam a lot.