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New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)


admira

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The Wife and I are going out to celebrate our 40th anniversay, My wife walked into the bedroom and twirled round.

I said what's that for.

She replied, I wore this on our 1st date all those years ago and it still fits.

I said....it's a scarf!

 

 

I had my 1st Indian meal last night, It was a Chicken Tarka, It's a bit like Chickin Tikka...but a little Otter.

 

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26 minutes ago, FindernRam said:

A Valentines Lament:::

My nookie days are over

My pilot light is out

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave

For each and every morning, it would stand and watch me shave

Now as old age approache,s it sure gives me the blues,

to see it hang its little head and watch tie my shoes!

 

 

 

 

I can relate to that..

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On 14 February 2020 at 18:44, FindernRam said:

A Valentines Lament:::

My nookie days are over

My pilot light is out

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave

For each and every morning, it would stand and watch me shave

Now as old age approache,s it sure gives me the blues,

to see it hang its little head and watch tie my shoes!

 

 

 

 

 My dad, Ken, had the full version of this written out somewhere where I read it in 1978.

He probably heard it when doing wartime service in the navy.

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at twenty to thirty if a man lives right

It's once in the morning and twice every night.

From thirty to forty if he still lives right

He misses a morning and sometimes a night

From forty to fifty it's just now and then

And when he's past fifty it's heaven knows when

When he gets past sixty he might feel inclined 

But don't let him kid you, it's all in his mind

It used to be embarrassing to make the thing behave

'cause every single morning it would stand and watch him shave

But now that he is older it just gives him the blues

Cos all it does is hang there and watch him shine his shoes

It doesn't shine so bright now, the pilot light's gone out,

What used to be his sex appeal is now his water spout.

 

Amazing what gets passed down the generations isn't it?

 

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Apologies for the Caps lock, but see first line!

LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD, I REALIZED THAT AT MY AGE I DON'T REALLY GIVE A RAT'S ASS ANYMORE.

 
IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL. 

A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS FISH, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT. 

A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN'T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? I DON'T THINK SO.


NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED: 

1. I STARTED OUT WITH  NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT. 

2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN. 

3. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED. 

4. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED. 

5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HECK IS IT? 

6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER. 

7. SOME DAYS, YOU'RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE HYDRANT. 

8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM. 

9. KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS.

10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS. 

11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE. 

12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM. 

13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE'D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES. 

14. WHEN I'M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE RIGHT CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS. 

15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES...THEY'RE EVERYWHERE. 

16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH. 

17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER. . . 

17A. I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I'M "HERE AFTER". 

18. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED. 

19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED. 

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE???...OR DID I GET IT FROM YOU?

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I saw a good old friend the other day he's 85 and looked concerned.

I went upto him and asked, Hey George are you OK.

He looks at me confused.

Now George aint slow coming forward as his Wife is 25 and looks like a beauty queen.

I asked him is she causing him any grief.

No was his reply.

Is she feeding you good food.

Yes, I get steak 4 times a week and a good cooked breakfast every day.

Is she short changing you.

No look, He puts his hands into his pocket and pulls out a wad of £20 notes.

It's sex then isn't I said.

Not at all, Every other day I get what I want in bed, She's great.

Then why do you look so confused.

I can't remember where I live.

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A man takes his wife back to the same hotel where they had their honeymoon  for their 25th wedding anniversary. As the wife  is getting undressed she asks the husband " tell me what was you thinking about all those years ago"

"All I ever wanted to do is suck your tits dry and bonk your brains out" he replied . 

What are you thinking now? Well he replied "I think I did a fecking good job".

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