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admira, August 22, 2017 in The Jim Smith Room
Three statisticians were hunting when they saw a deer.
The first statistician took aim and fired, but missed to the left. The second statistician took aim and fired, but missed to the right.
The third statistician said "We got it."
The Manchester manager Jose Morinho flies to Khabul to watch a young Afgan boy play football,he is suitably impressed and asks the young boy to come over to Manchester.Two weeks later Manchester are 2.0 down to Watford with only 20 minuites left,Morinho gives the nod and the young lad is on the pitch.He is a sensation and scores 3 times in the last 20 minuites as United win 3.2.The fans,coaches and manager love their new star.When the player comes off the pitch to tell his mum about his first game for United,he tells her how he scored 3 goals and tht everybody loved him at Old Trafford."just wonderfull" his mum said,let me tell you about my day,your father got shot in the street,your sister and I got ambushed and assaulted,she would have been raped if a policeman hadn't seen what was happening,and your brother has joined a gang of looters and set fire to some buildings.The young lad is very upset and says to his mother I am really sorry.Sorry! sorry!,its your bloody fault we came to Manchester in the first place.
I have just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.
I'll let you know.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wifes bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I never put it on now!
Little boy goes up to his dad and asks him what the difference is between theoretically and realistically .The dad says go and ask your mum and sister if they would sleep with someone for a million pounds .
Little lad trots off and asks his mum and sister the question. He goes back "Dad they both said yes they would" .
"There you go then son theoretically we are millionaires realistically we are living with a couple of tarts".
Went for an interview at a Blacksmith's today
Blacksmith: 'You any good at shoeing horses?'
Me: 'No, but I once told a donkey to **** off'
The missus sent me up into the loft to get the decorations down ,while I was up there I found one of last years presents I forgot to give the kids. Shame I'm sure they would have liked that puppy.
A couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Bupa.
I scared the postman today by going to the door naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived!
Had to do detention for this joke I made up when I was in year 8. My German teacher was encouraging us all to tell jokes and I genuinely made this up on the spot. It's not funny.
What's hot, green and sticky?
Godzilla having a ****.
Threasa May knows what she is doing...
I got home and told the wife I'd bumped into the milkman this morning and was chatting to him, he reckoned he'd bonked every woman on the street except one.
That will be the snotty cow from number ten up the road she replied.
Missus was getting ready for bed the other night and was standing in front of the dressing table mirror ,my hairs going grey ,I've started getting wrinkles and everything's going South what do you reckon ?
"There's bugger all wrong with your eyesight " I reply.
A Christmas one,St.Peter met 3 men at the Pearly Gates and said to them you will have to show me something Christmasey.
Number I.Took a lighter out of his pocket,lit it and said "This represents the Christmas Candles"
Number 2. Took out his keys rattling them and said "They represent the Christas bells"
Number 3.Put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a pair of Ladies Panties,St Peter looked aghast at him and said what have a pair of Panties got to do with Christmas,number 3 looked at him and said "Their Caroles"
The story of a certain man .
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that
Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.
'Brown's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but ******* complain since you got here."
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