AmericanRam Posted August 1, 2018 Share Posted August 1, 2018 I'm amazed no one has come up with a cure for anorexia. It's a piece of cake. Alph 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted August 1, 2018 Share Posted August 1, 2018 My friend had one of his testicles removed today after finding a lump. That's how serious he is about mashed potatoes. ram1964, Steve How Hard? and Alph 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sage Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 As we are playing our early 70s rivals, here is a Tommy Cooper joke. Gambling has brought our family closer together... We've had to move to a smaller house. Steve How Hard? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 Mr Whippy was sadly found dead in his van today. He was covered in strawberry sauce and crushed nuts as well as hundreds and thousands. Police reckon he topped himself. Gritstone Ram, Angry Ram, Rev and 4 others 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigfella Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 On 11/08/2018 at 14:03, sage said: As we are playing our early 70s rivals, here is a Tommy Cooper joke. Gambling has brought our family closer together... We've had to move to a smaller house. And my favourite Tommy Cooper joke- I went into the attic with the wife yesterday. Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs - but she’s good to the kids. Steve How Hard? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 Said to my friend, "I just watched that film about the Nazis." He said, "Oh what, the one with Adolf in?" I said, "No pal, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis." Bwash_Ram, Kinder and Alph 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke." i-Ram, Rev, Alph and 2 others 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maxjam Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 Edinburgh Fringe's top 10 best jokes... - Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day. - I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring. - I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed. - In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me. - I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts. - I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time. - Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off? - Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project. - I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it. - What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens? https://news.sky.com/story/edinburgh-fringes-top-10-best-jokes-revealed-11477275 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 A dishevelled bloke wobbles and weaves his way into a DIY store... "Bottle of methylated spirit please" he says “Look mate, I wasn't born yesterday” replies the shop assistant. “I can't sell that to you when I know you're just going to sit and drink it" “Hey, what are you implying?” says the man. “I'm just using it for woodwork!" “Ok, Ok..." says the assistant, taking a bottle off the shelf. “Oh FFS” says the man. “haven't you got a cold one?" I know nothing, Pearl Ram and Bwash_Ram 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigfella Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 ram1964, Pearl Ram, StockholmRam and 2 others 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfie Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 froggg 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyinLiverpool Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 What do you call two crows? attempted murder bigbadbob, Bwash_Ram, McRainy and 3 others 1 1 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. P Posted August 24, 2018 Share Posted August 24, 2018 Millenniumram, Pearl Ram, 1977 Ram Raider and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted August 24, 2018 Share Posted August 24, 2018 The woman who injected her eight year old with botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised. bigbadbob, i-Ram, Alph and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssendonRam Posted August 25, 2018 Share Posted August 25, 2018 Australian politics. Sixth Prime Minister in 10 years with the seventh due whenever an election is called (must be before next April. If it’s called before December, it’ll be seven PMs in 10 years.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GboroRam Posted August 25, 2018 Share Posted August 25, 2018 5 minutes ago, EssendonRam said: Australian politics. Sixth Prime Minister in 10 years with the seventh due whenever an election is called (must be before next April. If it’s called before December, it’ll be seven PMs in 10 years.) Isn't the joke that you should test your smoke alarm every prime minister? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EssendonRam Posted August 25, 2018 Share Posted August 25, 2018 26 minutes ago, GboroRam said: Isn't the joke that you should test your smoke alarm every prime minister? Check your smoke alarm battery, yes. GboroRam 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McRainy Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 Art Gallery. Security: Excuse me, Madam, but we don't allow animals in the building. Me: He's my guide dog. Security: You are clearly not blind. Dog: Anyway, in his later works Rothko employed a darker palette, which may reflect the decline in his mental health... cstand, Steve How Hard?, ilkleyram and 2 others 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MickD Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 A tramp walked up to a Vicarage in a small village and asked for food. The Vicar said "If you can tell me who Sampson was I will feed you and give you a room for the night." The tramp wracked his brain but did not know. The Vicar enlightened him, "Sampson was a big man who was besotted by a beautiful woman named Delilah. One day when they were in the field grinding corn they were set upon by 5,000 Philistines and he slayed them all with the jawbone of an ass." The tramp wandered off bemused. At the next village he knocked at the Vicarage door and said to the Vicar. "If I ask you a question about the Bible and you can't answer correctly will you give me food and a room for the night?" The Vicar, thinking he was on a winner as the Bible was his specialist subject, agreed. The man said "Who was Simpson?" The Vicar thought for a while but had to admit defeat. "OK who was Simpson" he asked "Well" was the reply "Simpson was a big b****r, he was knocking off the gorgeous bird called Delightful". "One day when they were having a grind in the cornfield they were set upon by 5,000 filthy swine and he slayed them all with the assbone of a Jew" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GboroRam Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 8 hours ago, MickD said: A tramp walked up to a Vicarage in a small village and asked for food. The Vicar said "If you can tell me who Sampson was I will feed you and give you a room for the night." The tramp wracked his brain but did not know. The Vicar enlightened him, "Sampson was a big man who was besotted by a beautiful woman named Delilah. One day when they were in the field grinding corn they were set upon by 5,000 Philistines and he slayed them all with the jawbone of an ass." The tramp wandered off bemused. At the next village he knocked at the Vicarage door and said to the Vicar. "If I ask you a question about the Bible and you can't answer correctly will you give me food and a room for the night?" The Vicar, thinking he was on a winner as the Bible was his specialist subject, agreed. The man said "Who was Simpson?" The Vicar thought for a while but had to admit defeat. "OK who was Simpson" he asked "Well" was the reply "Simpson was a big b****r, he was knocking off the gorgeous bird called Delightful". "One day when they were having a grind in the cornfield they were set upon by 5,000 filthy swine and he slayed them all with the assbone of a Jew" I heard it as the assbone of a giraffe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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