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New joke thread (trigger alert, may offend if you want it to)


admira

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  • 2 weeks later...

A man with  a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a


Xmas fancy  dress party


He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden

leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his

problem.  A  few days later he receives a parcel with a
note

Dear  Sir,


Please find enclosed a  Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald  head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The  man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint..  A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note:

Dear  Sir,

Sorry about the previous  parcel. Please find enclosed a

monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. 

The  man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel  from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear  Sir,

Please find enclosed a  tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of  Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.



 

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Computer Logic


A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'�

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. �

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

 

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.


Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

"Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."


The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

 

 

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

 

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

 

"I have," says the man.

 

 

 "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
  
  "We're having granite worktops."

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  • 2 weeks later...

This may be of interest to someone. A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the next England v Belgium game Thur 28th June. He paid £300 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

 

 

 



It's at Queens Road Registry Office, at 4pm. The bride's name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, nice tits , quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Pm for more details.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
On 16/04/2018 at 19:12, AmericanRam said:

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral.

A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

"Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

Thought I’d read it before!

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