Phoenix Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 Old lady to street busker. 'Do you know your flies are undone, young man?' Busker, 'No madam, but you hum it and I'll strum along' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seth's left foot Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 Not a joke but i’ve Just watched Car Share unscripted and saw a shop called Halaaldi, made me laugh ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McRamFan Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 Reading this book on adhesives, couldn't put it down... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stive Pesley Posted June 5, 2018 Share Posted June 5, 2018 Two dogs sat in the pub 1st Dog: "do you want to hear a joke?" 2nd Dog: "yeah go on then" 1st Dog: "OK....Knock, Knock" 2nd Dog: <goes beserk> Parsnip, Smyth_18, Steve How Hard? and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gritstone Ram Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 The England football team visited an orphanage in Russia today. "It's so sad to see there faces with no hope", said Vladimir age 6. Steve How Hard?, I know nothing and Parsnip 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple. McRainy, GboroRam, Animal is a Ram and 3 others 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 Computer Logic A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'� � Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. � � Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. � The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. � The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. TigerTedd 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McRainy Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 King Kevin, sage and Steve How Hard? 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sage Posted June 14, 2018 Share Posted June 14, 2018 Since my wife left, I have bought a motorbike, took drugs and as I type this I'm in bed with 2 Romanian prostitutes. She will be furious when she gets home from work. Steve How Hard?, TigerTedd and admira 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted June 14, 2018 Share Posted June 14, 2018 A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... "Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops." StockholmRam, ram1964, GboroRam and 10 others 3 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parsnip Posted June 14, 2018 Share Posted June 14, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 This may be of interest to someone. A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the next England v Belgium game Thur 28th June. He paid £300 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at Queens Road Registry Office, at 4pm. The bride's name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, nice tits , quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Pm for more details. Chester40, Steve How Hard?, TigerTedd and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePrisoner Posted July 5, 2018 Share Posted July 5, 2018 Bought a deodorant stick today. Instructions say "remove cap & push up bottom" I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely. Steve How Hard? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve How Hard? Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 A Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar............There's usually an Englishman but he's at the World Cup. ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilkleyram Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 On 13/06/2018 at 19:52, Gritters said: The England football team visited an orphanage in Russia today. "It's so sad to see there faces with no hope", said Vladimir age 6. Well that's wiped the smile off Vladimir's face. Gritstone Ram 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McRainy Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 Stive Pesley 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfie Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Man at a funeral goes up to the widow.... Man: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "No, of course not". Man: (Clears throat) "Plethora" Widow: "Oh, thank you, that means a lot". McRainy and Bwash_Ram 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigfella Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 On 16/04/2018 at 19:12, AmericanRam said: A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down. "Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot” Thought I’d read it before! Steve How Hard? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigfella Posted July 28, 2018 Share Posted July 28, 2018 Man goes to see his doctor complaining of a hearing problem. Doctor - describe the symptoms Man - Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair AshfieldRam, Kinder, Steve How Hard? and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McRainy Posted July 29, 2018 Share Posted July 29, 2018 Highgate, Steve How Hard?, I know nothing and 5 others 2 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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