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admira

New joke thread

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RANTING!!!????

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY BLOKE. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS GENTLEMAN SAUSAGE. HE IS OFFERING AN iPHONE 7+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN iPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON!

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1 hour ago, Wolfie said:

RANTING!!!????

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY BLOKE. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS GENTLEMAN SAUSAGE. HE IS OFFERING AN iPHONE 7+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN iPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON!

I bet it was the 16gb version as well?

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Not exactly new but I've always liked the "What's the difference" jokes from decades ago which you have to work out yourself.  Can remember only three though  

first one is

Q. what's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl. 

A. One shoots but cannot hit and the other........

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Three statisticians were hunting when they saw a deer.

The first statistician took aim and fired, but missed to the left. The second statistician took aim and fired, but missed to the right.

The third statistician said "We got it."

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The Manchester manager Jose Morinho flies to Khabul to watch a young Afgan boy play football,he is suitably impressed and asks the young boy to come over to Manchester.Two weeks later Manchester are 2.0 down to Watford with only 20 minuites left,Morinho gives the nod and the young lad is on the pitch.He is a sensation and scores 3 times in the last 20 minuites as United win 3.2.The fans,coaches and manager love their new star.When the player comes off the pitch to tell his mum about his first game for United,he tells her how he scored 3 goals and tht everybody loved him at Old Trafford."just wonderfull" his mum said,let me tell you about my day,your father got shot in the street,your sister and I got ambushed and assaulted,she would have been raped if a policeman hadn't seen what was happening,and your brother has joined a gang of looters and set fire to some buildings.The young lad is very upset and says to his mother I am really sorry.Sorry! sorry!,its your bloody fault we came to Manchester in the first place.

 

Edited by Malagaram
mistake

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Little boy goes up to his dad and asks him what the difference is between theoretically and realistically .The dad says go and ask your mum and sister if they would sleep with someone for a million pounds .

Little lad trots off and asks his mum and sister the question. He goes back "Dad they both said yes they would" .

"There you go then son theoretically we are millionaires  realistically we are living with a couple of tarts". 

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A couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?
  
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
  
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
  
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.
  
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' 
  
The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Bupa. 

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