Bwash_Ram Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 On 09/10/2018 at 10:13, Lambchop said: I wonder what the meditations are like... Hickory Dickory Dock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindernRam Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 I had a vasectomy by a Dr John Thomas. He had two questions whilst operating: 1 Are you sure you had two when you came in? 2 Are you glad to be no. 3 today? It means I've got my eye in! Then I had a biscuit and a cup of tea and went home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindernRam Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 Apologies for the Upper case: | THIS MAY BE A "Little" DIFFICULT FOR ALL WHO ARE OVER 60 .THOSE YOUNGER THAN THIS WILL HAVE NO HOPE AT ALL. DEMENTIA QUIZ FIRST QUESTION: YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN? ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE! TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK? SECOND QUESTION: IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....? (SCROLL DOWN) ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE..... WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON?? YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU? THIRD QUESTION: VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT. TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL? SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER..... DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100... IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR! TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT? MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE... FOURTH QUESTION:MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4.. NONO, AND ??? 2 WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER? DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T. HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN! OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF: A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE. NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS? IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT... DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK?? IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST! mozza and Alph 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 7 hours ago, FindernRam said: Apologies for the Upper case: | THIS MAY BE A "Little" DIFFICULT FOR ALL WHO ARE OVER 60 .THOSE YOUNGER THAN THIS WILL HAVE NO HOPE AT ALL. DEMENTIA QUIZ FIRST QUESTION: YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN? ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE! TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK? SECOND QUESTION: IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....? (SCROLL DOWN) ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE..... WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON?? YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU? THIRD QUESTION: VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT. TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL? SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER..... DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100... IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR! TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT? MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE... FOURTH QUESTION:MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4.. NONO, AND ??? 2 WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER? DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T. HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN! OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF: A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE. NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS? IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT... DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK?? IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST! It's the way you tell em! bigbadbob, Highgate, McRainy and 3 others 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bwash_Ram Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession of touching pasta. Feeling cannelloni right now Parsnip, Steve How Hard?, Chester40 and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bwash_Ram Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 I've only got three records in my collection. Two by Meatloaf and one by Michael Jackson. So two out of three ain't Bad. angieram 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigfella Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 Steve How Hard? and 1977 Ram Raider 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gritstone Ram Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 (edited) Just got back from a holiday in Thailand. I nearly went with one of those ladyboys. He looked like a woman walked like a woman and kissed like a woman but when he drove me back to his place and backed the car into the garage I thought somethings not right here. Edited October 13, 2018 by Gritters Angry Ram, Rev, bigbadbob and 3 others 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bwash_Ram Posted October 15, 2018 Share Posted October 15, 2018 Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. Should have put it on aloha setting. ThePrisoner, i-Ram, Coneheadjohn and 2 others 1 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePrisoner Posted October 15, 2018 Share Posted October 15, 2018 I dreamt all last night that I was a car muffler and when I woke up this morning, I was exhausted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heisenberg Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 I phoned the local gym to see if they could teach me how to do the splits. They asked 'How flexible are you?' I said 'I can only do Tuesdays and Thursdays'. Chester40 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BathRam72 Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 On 12/10/2018 at 11:41, Bwash_Ram said: My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession of touching pasta. Feeling cannelloni right now Is she hot??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve How Hard? Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 (edited) 22 minutes ago, BathRam72 said: Is she hot??? Pasta best. Edited October 18, 2018 by Steve How Hard? Bwash_Ram, Hinzy9, BathRam72 and 6 others 1 3 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gritstone Ram Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 I cooked the wife a steak last night. She asked how it was cooked. I told her medium rare. She said “I like mine well done”. I replied “Thanks anytime”. Wolfie, AmericanRam, Norman and 3 others 2 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 DonaldTrump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." DonaldTrump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" DonaldTrump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented DonaldTrump. The Devil opened a third door. In it, DonaldTrump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. DonaldTrump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!" Parsnip, TimRam, Rev and 2 others 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bwash_Ram Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 I made my wife a Caesar Salad last night The dog was really pi$$ed off though as it was his last tin. Rev, ThePrisoner, i-Ram and 3 others 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigfella Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. P Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 uttoxram75 and Steve How Hard? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uttoxram75 Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Jumped into a taxi and said "King Arthurs Close". The driver said, "Don't worry we'll lose him at the lights" froggg 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stive Pesley Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 I see Suggs has come out in support of the Remain campaign's People's Vote It's political madness gone correct sheeponacid, froggg, sage and 2 others 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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