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Boycie

By Boycie
in The Jim Smith Room

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SaintRam

SaintRam

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, Animal is a Ram said:

Exaggerations this year have gone up a million percent.

do you have any jokes from a christmas cracker or penguin bar to share as well? :p

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SaintRam

SaintRam

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Animal is a Ram said:

I would, but I think I'm starting to get a haddock.

First of all that was a bit of a stretch, second of all; Don't you dare! 

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Animal is a Ram

Animal is a Ram

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Posted

In honour of the great Ronnie Corbett..

A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.

For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: "Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!". And I'll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don't expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.

West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

It was revealed in a government survey published today that the prime minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.

We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.

A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.

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GboroRam

GboroRam

Posted
Posted
On 30/03/2016 at 13:44, Wolfie said:

Not a joke but just stumbled on this funny review for the Amazon Fire TV Stick (on Amazon)....

 

5.0 out of 5 starsSaving me from cheap gin.

By Gaia TOP 500 REVIEWER on 27 May 2015

Configuration: Standard Remote Verified Purchase

I bought this as an electronic babysitter, for my husband, who is five. Oh, wait, not five, 48. I was pig-sick of him watching Netflix on his mobile phone, with his netbook pinging up Facebook messages, with the TV on full blast, and the sound from his Netflix leaking out of his earphones, because he had that on full volume as well, to counter-balance whatever was happening on the TV he wasn't watching. It has worked a treat, as he now watches endless hours of crap on the big TV, while his netbook and phone ping Facebook messages at him, and he lies on the couch, re-arranging his crotch, and grunting.

The installation was easy, despite the fact that I only have full use of one hand, I didn't need any screwdrivers, and I'm not allowed hammers anyway. I did stand on an apple that the dog had taken behind the TV, for dog-reasons, and it squidged between my toes a bit, but I don't suppose that's a universal installation issue, not everyone having a dog that hides fruit behind the TV.

The plug-and-play nature of the device meant that I was able to install without asking for help from a man, and I didn't even break any fingernails. I'm relatively certain I've deleted any links to my social media from Amazon, so the husband won't be able to ferret about, at two in the morning, while he's watching something with boobs in, or yet another concert from the time period when I was being potty-trained, and see all of the nasty things I say about him.

For me, it has been £35 well-spent, although the glut of adverts offering it for £25 have been a bit of a kick in the crotch, I could have spent the extra £10 on gin, but it would have been cheap gin, so there would have been no real gain.

The sugar free gummy bear reviews are class: http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar-Free-Gummy-Bears/product-reviews/B008JELLCA

Also the Nair hair remover ones are pretty funny. 

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Animal is a Ram

Animal is a Ram

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Posted

For years, men and women have argued over which is more painful: being kicked in the vegetables, or giving birth. So how can we reach an answer?

Well, put it this way: about a year after a couple's first child, a woman will say, "Let's have another baby."

But I challenge you to find a man who, one year on, will turn to his mate and say, "Tell you what, Dave... Kick me in the vegetables again."

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  • 9 months later...
King Kevin

King Kevin

Posted
Posted

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These men have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

PLEASE NOTE:

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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1of4

1of4

Posted
Posted
On 16/12/2013 at 23:08, Boycie said:

I tried chatting up the bird with big tits who worked in the radiographics department at the hospital today, no bloody luck, I think she saw straight through me.

Couldn't think of a good joke but as the saying goes the oldest jokes are the best.

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  • 1 month later...
King Kevin

King Kevin

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Posted

Dorothy ,the lion from the wizard of Oz and Quasimodo were talking one day .

"I'm sure I'm the prettiest girl in the world "says Dorothy

"I'm sure I'm the bravest animal in the world "says the lion 

"I'm sure I'm the ugliest person in the world "says Quasimodo

I know says Dorothy we can ask the wizard and get the definitive answer.They all got in to see the wizard and come out one by one..

Dorothy comes out smiling I knew it she said  I am the prettiest girl in the world.

The Lion comes out smiling he said I am the bravest animal in the world .I was right .

Quasi comes out with a frown and looking puzzled  "who the fook is Peter Beardsley"?

 

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Phoenix

Phoenix

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The same Quasimodo picks up a prostitute, but just as he gets down to the real business, his repulsiveness overcomes her and she is violently sick.

"Have you just been sick?"

"Yes"

"Thank God tor that, I thought my hump had burst."

 

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