Inverurie Ram Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 An old fieldhand in the deep south sits on his porch every moning with a coffee to watch the sun come up and every evening with a bourbon to watch it set. One morning whilst drinking his cup of joe a young boy walks past with a roll of chicken wire. What are you doing the fieldhand asks. Catching chickens responds the boy.Bullshit says the field hand, you cannot catch chickens with chicken wire. Just wait and see says the boy. That evening the boy walks past followed by half a dozen chickens. Amazing says the fieldhand.Next morning the boy walks past again, this time with a roll of duck tape, what you doin' asks the field hand. Catching ducks comes the reply. Bullshit you don't catch ducks with duck tape. Just see says the boy. That evening the boy walks past with half a roll of duck tape and half a dozen ducks walking behind. Thats amazing says the fieldhand.The next morning the boy walks past with a bunch of flowers. What you carrying says the field hand. Pussy willow replies the boy. Wait five minutes, the fieldhand says, I'll just get my hat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duracell Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a German, an Italian, a French man, a Japanese fella, a Chinese bloke, a Korean, a Vietnamese, a Malaysian, a Cambodian, a Russian, an American, a Mexican, an Australian, a Spaniard, a Ghanaian, a South African, a Brazilian, an Argentinian, a Costa Rican, a Belgian, a Columbian, a Canadian and a Moroccan all try and get into the bar. The doorman says "sorry, can't let you in without a Thai". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swansea ram Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning "Windows frozen" Husband texts back "Pour some luke warm water over it" Wife texts back "Computer completely Fooked now" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swansea ram Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 British Rail are lying barstewads They say if you stand too close to the platform edge you'll get sucked off. Eight hours, eight fooking hours I wasted yesterday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-JW- Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Just letting you all know i'm coming off the forum for a few weeks as I have stolen some swimming inflatables. I need to lilo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djm1zw1z Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 I burnt my finger yesterday, but on the hand im completely fine... Baddum Tsst Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WoollyJumper Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 A stick. There's nothing like a good joke... ....and that's nothing like a good joke No one said it was a GOOD joke thread. And thank you for your appraisal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alph Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 If you want to set up a company and run it then that's your business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neo Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neo Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?Tug-of-whore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McRamFan Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 I had to go to the doctor this week as i keep bursting into song and sing 'Green green grass of home..' The Doctor diagnosed it immediatly as Tom Jones Syndrome, I was a little worried and asked if it was rare, the Doctor replied 'It's not unusual....' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 What's the difference between a Jew and a Morris dancer? You need to be a complete ***** to be a Morris dancer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
admira Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Time this thread got resurrected. I'll start. Q. Why shouldn't you buy Ukrainian underpants? A. Chernobyl fallout Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Badlands Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I got a new job playing the triangle in a reggae band the other day. It's dead easy, i just stand at the back and ting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r4derby Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Knock Knock Who's there? Hatch Hatch who? Bless You (One for the kids) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DerbyPride Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 What's the difference between a stick and an STD? It's perfectly acceptable for a dog to catch a stick off you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I popped in the local chemist the other day, after browsing for 5 minutes the old lady serving asked if she could help? Sheepishly,I admitted I was looking for KY Jelly, only for her to say they'd run out, and suggested I try Boots instead. 'Steady on love, I want to slide in, not march in' was my reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RamNut Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Bloke gets invited to christmas party - fancy dress. He's wondering what to go as when he spots an advert for a shop selling fig leaves. He's thinks...yes that'll do....i'll get a fig leaf and go to the party as Adam. Totally naked apart from a fig leaf to cover his bits and bobs. So he sends off for it. After a few days, a package arrives. He opens it and admires the fig leaf before stripping off to try it on. One problem. Its just not big enough. It doesn't cover his needs.... So he writes a note, explains the fact that its too small; asks if they have a bigger size and sends it back. A few days later a package arrives. He opens it - its a bigger fig leaf.... this looks promising. He strips off, tries it on.....****.....still not big enough. Its still isn't quite enough to cover his tackle. So he writes a note, explains the fact that this one is also a bit too small; asks if they have a bigger size- sends it back. A few days later an even bigger package arrives. He opens it....its a jumbo mambo XXL fig leaf. Fantastic. Rushes off to try it on. Can't believe it.....it still is just that bit too small. So he writes a note; explains again...sorry but even the jumbo mambo XXL is still a bit too small.sends it back. A few days later a letter arrives.... Dear sir.... We are sorry to learn that none of our standard fig leaves were adequate to cover your needs. We were astonished to discover than even the Jumbo Mambo XXL fig leaf was too small. In all our years of trading we have never encountered a situation where all of our fig leaves including the Jumbo Mambo XXL were too small for the job. We understand that you were looking forward to attending the fancy dress party and hoped to to go dressed as Adam. However all is not lost...... We suggest that you stick your pr1ck in your ear and go as a petrol pump :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archie Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 What's blue and fu(ks old ladies? Pneumonia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notts_ram Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Two nun's sitting on a park bench when a flasher ran past one had a stroke the other one couldn't quite reach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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