AmericanRam

A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but ******* complain since you got here."

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.

Went for an interview at a Blacksmith's today
Blacksmith: 'You any good at shoeing horses?'
Me: 'No, but I once told a donkey to **** off'

Support Your Local Sheriff!-Pretty decent Western comedy with James Garner. 8/10.

I just got back from a friends funeral who sadly drowned a few days ago.
 
I took a lot of abuse for my floral tribute that was in the shape of a life jacket.
 
But as I said to everyone at the service, It’s what he would've wanted.

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
Schwepped her off her feet.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.

Getting the news a friend of yours cancer has went into remission.☺

Went for an interview at a Blacksmith's today
Blacksmith: 'You any good at shoeing horses?'
Me: 'No, but I once told a donkey to **** off'

A guy today offered me $80k a year to work for him at the brittle bones society.
I snapped his hand off.

I was thrown out of Weight Watchers.
I accepted the decision with huge grace, because they threw her out as well.

Just went to see a faith healer perform.
He was so bad even a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

Try eating more fibre, squatty potties also help.

Gotta girlfriend for him 
 

Getting ready for the summer, just waiting on the dogs approval. Lick of paint over the weekend then it’s time to put my feet up.

Just went to see a faith healer perform.
He was so bad even a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

Ill never have kids but I can only imagine. Its not even something you can fix/change which must be frustrating. Seeing my dad cry when my grandad passed away wasnt easy too. Stay strong

Just went to see a faith healer perform.
He was so bad even a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

Just went to see a faith healer perform.
He was so bad even a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

I think one of the toughest feelings a proud man can have (I can only speak for myself) is that totally abject feeling of helplessness when witnessing someone you care about in pain.
I've always got people who are going through painful times in my thoughts, it's part of the burden that pains me and contributes to my own mental issues.
It may be a cliche Ryan, but being there for your missus is massive, so just carry on being a big firm shoulder for her.

I was visiting my Daughter last night, when I asked her for a newspaper, she replied; 'This is the 21st Century.  We don't waste money on newspapers.  Here, use by iPad.'
I can tell you this...that fly never knew what hit him...!

Toya and I about to try new seafood joint.?❤️

 

Toya and I about to try new seafood joint.?❤️