loughboroughRAM

Been a while since I last posted in here but have kept an eye on posts from others. Anyone who is familiar with my story will be glad to hear I'm back having another crack at my final year at uni and so far, so good (on the whole). Got a really interesting project i'm working on and even managed to make the uni cricket squad for the first time! That said there's still bad days, living by yourself can take it's toll on your mind at times and only yesterday things got on top of me and I just broke down. I'm in a much better place now luckily having had some good fortune this past 10 months as well as amazing support from my family and friends. I even took the plunge on World Mental Health day and spoke out on Facebook about it all and the response was overwhelming and it was something I never expected I would have been able to do since I rarely post much on there. Part of the reason I felt empowered was having been able to open up about it on here, so to anyone who has been a part of this thread, thanks! 

For anyone interested, the post is below:
 
Just under a year ago, I was diagnosed with having depression. It was something that had been going on for a lot longer than I was prepared to admit and it was only when things started to boil over that I decided to do something. At first, I was afraid to confront the issue, scared of what people might think. I kept my issues a secret for a while, suppressing my feelings in the hope that they would simply go away and that everything would blow over. It became increasingly difficult to hide what was going on beneath the surface and, having taking the decision to drop out of university, I slowly started to confront my fears and tell my friends. Even typing it now, it seems ridiculous that something as simple as talking about these things can be so difficult. Despite my initial fears, I can honestly say that speaking about and sharing something as important as suffering from depression has been utterly liberating. The amount of love and support I have received has been overwhelming and has made the struggle that little bit easier knowing there is always someone willing to listen.
It’s incredibly hard to put into words the effects that something like depression can do to you, not only mentally but also physically. I guess my greatest fear when trying to explain my depression, was the perceived lack of understanding that surrounds the issues of mental health, and attitudes towards it. Having taken the plunge and telling people, it has become increasingly obvious how prevalent an issue it really is, and that I was certainly not alone. I guess this is the point that I’m trying to make – depression can literally hit anyone, even the people you’d least expect it to and that there are far more people out there suffering in silence than you may realise. Like me, you may find it hard to convey your feelings to those around you, you feel like whatever you might say is pathetic but I assure you it is not. There is ALWAYS someone who is there to listen to you, and that you mean a whole lot to them.
My mum once told me - “A problem shared, is a problem halved.” I never really believed how true this would prove to be.

Just checking in...been a lot better lately but for some reason tonight something flipped a switch and it all came flooding back. All the negativity and misery consumed me for a good half hour/hour and I did something I'm not proud of. I immediately regretted it - hence why I now find myself here.
Aside from that I actually found something that massively helped me lately and that was painting (art not decorating lol). I'm a keen artist and haven't picked up a brush in a couple of years but its fair to say that doing so saved me in many respects. It offered me an escape - somewhere I could totally forget about my troubles and focus on one thing only. Ironically the picture I decided to paint bears a lot of meaning to the causes of my depression but I really feel that it has provided a massive release for me. I have found the whole process of doing this hugely cathartic but honestly feel it has helped and that's where I realise it could help others too. 
I'm not saying that painting is the cure to everyone's problems - but I feel like doing something you truly love and can set your mind to (especially something you love, but haven't had the time to do) can really help lift you up a little. Maybe its writing a song or making music - whatever you find best or you really enjoy. My only advice would be to do that. For me it has helped me express my sadness, the painting feels like a physical embodiment/representation of my issues and that now I've flushed them out onto the canvas, I can maybe get rid of them in some way. Like I say - this may not be for everyone but doing something like this can really help. 
I hope you're all doing as well as possible, LboroRAM x

Just checking in...been a lot better lately but for some reason tonight something flipped a switch and it all came flooding back. All the negativity and misery consumed me for a good half hour/hour and I did something I'm not proud of. I immediately regretted it - hence why I now find myself here.
Aside from that I actually found something that massively helped me lately and that was painting (art not decorating lol). I'm a keen artist and haven't picked up a brush in a couple of years but its fair to say that doing so saved me in many respects. It offered me an escape - somewhere I could totally forget about my troubles and focus on one thing only. Ironically the picture I decided to paint bears a lot of meaning to the causes of my depression but I really feel that it has provided a massive release for me. I have found the whole process of doing this hugely cathartic but honestly feel it has helped and that's where I realise it could help others too. 
I'm not saying that painting is the cure to everyone's problems - but I feel like doing something you truly love and can set your mind to (especially something you love, but haven't had the time to do) can really help lift you up a little. Maybe its writing a song or making music - whatever you find best or you really enjoy. My only advice would be to do that. For me it has helped me express my sadness, the painting feels like a physical embodiment/representation of my issues and that now I've flushed them out onto the canvas, I can maybe get rid of them in some way. Like I say - this may not be for everyone but doing something like this can really help. 
I hope you're all doing as well as possible, LboroRAM x

Just checking in...been a lot better lately but for some reason tonight something flipped a switch and it all came flooding back. All the negativity and misery consumed me for a good half hour/hour and I did something I'm not proud of. I immediately regretted it - hence why I now find myself here.
Aside from that I actually found something that massively helped me lately and that was painting (art not decorating lol). I'm a keen artist and haven't picked up a brush in a couple of years but its fair to say that doing so saved me in many respects. It offered me an escape - somewhere I could totally forget about my troubles and focus on one thing only. Ironically the picture I decided to paint bears a lot of meaning to the causes of my depression but I really feel that it has provided a massive release for me. I have found the whole process of doing this hugely cathartic but honestly feel it has helped and that's where I realise it could help others too. 
I'm not saying that painting is the cure to everyone's problems - but I feel like doing something you truly love and can set your mind to (especially something you love, but haven't had the time to do) can really help lift you up a little. Maybe its writing a song or making music - whatever you find best or you really enjoy. My only advice would be to do that. For me it has helped me express my sadness, the painting feels like a physical embodiment/representation of my issues and that now I've flushed them out onto the canvas, I can maybe get rid of them in some way. Like I say - this may not be for everyone but doing something like this can really help. 
I hope you're all doing as well as possible, LboroRAM x

Just checking in...been a lot better lately but for some reason tonight something flipped a switch and it all came flooding back. All the negativity and misery consumed me for a good half hour/hour and I did something I'm not proud of. I immediately regretted it - hence why I now find myself here.
Aside from that I actually found something that massively helped me lately and that was painting (art not decorating lol). I'm a keen artist and haven't picked up a brush in a couple of years but its fair to say that doing so saved me in many respects. It offered me an escape - somewhere I could totally forget about my troubles and focus on one thing only. Ironically the picture I decided to paint bears a lot of meaning to the causes of my depression but I really feel that it has provided a massive release for me. I have found the whole process of doing this hugely cathartic but honestly feel it has helped and that's where I realise it could help others too. 
I'm not saying that painting is the cure to everyone's problems - but I feel like doing something you truly love and can set your mind to (especially something you love, but haven't had the time to do) can really help lift you up a little. Maybe its writing a song or making music - whatever you find best or you really enjoy. My only advice would be to do that. For me it has helped me express my sadness, the painting feels like a physical embodiment/representation of my issues and that now I've flushed them out onto the canvas, I can maybe get rid of them in some way. Like I say - this may not be for everyone but doing something like this can really help. 
I hope you're all doing as well as possible, LboroRAM x

Just checking in...been a lot better lately but for some reason tonight something flipped a switch and it all came flooding back. All the negativity and misery consumed me for a good half hour/hour and I did something I'm not proud of. I immediately regretted it - hence why I now find myself here.
Aside from that I actually found something that massively helped me lately and that was painting (art not decorating lol). I'm a keen artist and haven't picked up a brush in a couple of years but its fair to say that doing so saved me in many respects. It offered me an escape - somewhere I could totally forget about my troubles and focus on one thing only. Ironically the picture I decided to paint bears a lot of meaning to the causes of my depression but I really feel that it has provided a massive release for me. I have found the whole process of doing this hugely cathartic but honestly feel it has helped and that's where I realise it could help others too. 
I'm not saying that painting is the cure to everyone's problems - but I feel like doing something you truly love and can set your mind to (especially something you love, but haven't had the time to do) can really help lift you up a little. Maybe its writing a song or making music - whatever you find best or you really enjoy. My only advice would be to do that. For me it has helped me express my sadness, the painting feels like a physical embodiment/representation of my issues and that now I've flushed them out onto the canvas, I can maybe get rid of them in some way. Like I say - this may not be for everyone but doing something like this can really help. 
I hope you're all doing as well as possible, LboroRAM x

Just checking in...been a lot better lately but for some reason tonight something flipped a switch and it all came flooding back. All the negativity and misery consumed me for a good half hour/hour and I did something I'm not proud of. I immediately regretted it - hence why I now find myself here.
Aside from that I actually found something that massively helped me lately and that was painting (art not decorating lol). I'm a keen artist and haven't picked up a brush in a couple of years but its fair to say that doing so saved me in many respects. It offered me an escape - somewhere I could totally forget about my troubles and focus on one thing only. Ironically the picture I decided to paint bears a lot of meaning to the causes of my depression but I really feel that it has provided a massive release for me. I have found the whole process of doing this hugely cathartic but honestly feel it has helped and that's where I realise it could help others too. 
I'm not saying that painting is the cure to everyone's problems - but I feel like doing something you truly love and can set your mind to (especially something you love, but haven't had the time to do) can really help lift you up a little. Maybe its writing a song or making music - whatever you find best or you really enjoy. My only advice would be to do that. For me it has helped me express my sadness, the painting feels like a physical embodiment/representation of my issues and that now I've flushed them out onto the canvas, I can maybe get rid of them in some way. Like I say - this may not be for everyone but doing something like this can really help. 
I hope you're all doing as well as possible, LboroRAM x

its important that people share these feelings. I myself wake up some days and wonder what it's all worth. I then think about my family and friends, and all those who have no idea what im going through and how my actions could affect them. Its this mainly that prevents me from acting on my feelings knowing that the repurcussions are far greater than the issues that I'm facing. Its vital that you share how you feel, even if it's anonymous, because i truly believe that it helps if you share your problems and to air your frustrations - no matter how trivial you feel they may be. This thread is a solace for me peolpe like me to realise we are not alone and that together, we can be stronger.

its important that people share these feelings. I myself wake up some days and wonder what it's all worth. I then think about my family and friends, and all those who have no idea what im going through and how my actions could affect them. Its this mainly that prevents me from acting on my feelings knowing that the repurcussions are far greater than the issues that I'm facing. Its vital that you share how you feel, even if it's anonymous, because i truly believe that it helps if you share your problems and to air your frustrations - no matter how trivial you feel they may be. This thread is a solace for me peolpe like me to realise we are not alone and that together, we can be stronger.

its important that people share these feelings. I myself wake up some days and wonder what it's all worth. I then think about my family and friends, and all those who have no idea what im going through and how my actions could affect them. Its this mainly that prevents me from acting on my feelings knowing that the repurcussions are far greater than the issues that I'm facing. Its vital that you share how you feel, even if it's anonymous, because i truly believe that it helps if you share your problems and to air your frustrations - no matter how trivial you feel they may be. This thread is a solace for me peolpe like me to realise we are not alone and that together, we can be stronger.

its important that people share these feelings. I myself wake up some days and wonder what it's all worth. I then think about my family and friends, and all those who have no idea what im going through and how my actions could affect them. Its this mainly that prevents me from acting on my feelings knowing that the repurcussions are far greater than the issues that I'm facing. Its vital that you share how you feel, even if it's anonymous, because i truly believe that it helps if you share your problems and to air your frustrations - no matter how trivial you feel they may be. This thread is a solace for me peolpe like me to realise we are not alone and that together, we can be stronger.

Ok, here we go. 
I've typed this out a few times, then subsequently deleted it. 
I'm 29. From the outside I'm a strong, independent, fit, happy person. 
I'm not. 
I have everything. A brilliant, and I me a brilliant missus. A supportive family, a brilliant Dad, and a decent job. I go to the gym, I have friends etc.
However, when I wake up, I don't want to get up. I don't want to brush my teeth, again. I dont want to drive to work. I sit in my car and think about the awful 8 hours I have to endure. Its only Tuesday, how am I ever going to get through to Friday?  The same thing over and over again. The repetitve, pointless nature of life saps all energy from me. 
It's the pointlessness of life that gets to me the most. Everything seems so tedious, so painfully boring. 
I've been doing the gym for the last 5 years, and got jacked. But the pointless, repetitive lifting is not what I enjoy. I enjoy going to my garage, on my own, and being with myself in silence for 2 hours. No music, No noise. Just my thoughts. And It is then I find solace in my head. The questions of life disappear, the annoyance of other's actions and decisions become insignificant. But it will all be back in the morning.
I over-analyse, I over-think, and I struggle with day-to-day life. And only you lot know.  Which makes me wonder if this is a plea for help, or me deciding that this is the way I think, and I need to change it from now on. 
I'm not suicidal, but I know I feel deep, intense feelings of sadness. But they've gone by dinner time, because life isnt as bad as my head makes it out to be in the morning, at times.
Now to decide to hit the post button or not?

This week marks the 2nd anniversary of a very close mate going missing and eventually being found in a river. The intervening period has been tough for so many reasons and I've never really aired my true feelings until recently. 

To put it into perspective I caught the school bus with this guy every day for 7 years, played football and cricket together even after we finished school, went to gigs together and went on many nights out together - even born on the same day in QMC would you believe it. He introduced me to my then girlfriend and we were always kind of close. Then one January morning in 2015 I get back from a lecture to my missus sat on my bed telling me she has some news and I'll need to take a seat. Even though I knew what was coming, nothing ever prepares you for that news. Obviously this rocked me quite a bit having never really had anything like this happen to me before but over the next few months I kind of managed to get a grip on it. 

That autumn I moved to Germany for 6 months on a placement for my course at uni and this is where things began to get difficult. Earning very little it was hard to properly get out and about, especially when you're in a massive country where you literally know nobody. This was the beginning of my depression - nothing to this day quite compares to the loneliness I experienced and it was during this time, when I was alone with my thoughts that I began to think more and more of my friend. I was lucky in that I had a caring girlfriend who'd Skype me every night but once those calls ended I was alone again and even during the calls I began to feel like she wasn't there and that she was just on a screen and that I was hundreds of miles from anyone I knew and loved. I got through those months by telling myself that it would be over soon and I'd be home in a couple of months and it would all be ok. Wrong.
Once back in the UK I had another internship lined up - unpaid except my expenses, meaning I had to work a second job to earn some sort of income. This meant long days leaving the house at 7am and getting home at 1am with 30 minutes to get ready for my evening shift. I also worked weekends as it was a busy pub/restaurant which meant I had no real free time. It began to put a strain on relationship with my long term girlfriend and after 4 happy years together, stress drove me to ending it. At the time I guess I didn't realise the state I was in but looking back I can recognise how empty and soulless I had become. Again I got through this period thinking it would be fine and I'd be back at uni soon and I'll be able to relax. Once more I was wrong.
I pretty much immediately realised I had made a mistake ending things with my ex (who is also the same uni as me) and tried to reconcile things after she had spend a good 2 months trying to change my mind but I was too stubborn at the time. Unfortunately so much time had elapsed that she was no longer interested, despite my best efforts. She insisted on wanting to be friends but claimed to not want a relationship at the time, meaning we spent loads of time together on what I feel was false pretenses in many ways. This wasn't helped by my issues of inferiority and self confidence (its fair to say I was punching with this girl) which was one of the causes of me ending things as I was convinced that sooner or later she'd sack me off for someone else. All this at the same time as trying to handle an insane workload on my course which is notoriously heavy in terms of the workload dragged me further down into a pit of despair.
It was a this stage that I began to realise I was at my lowest point. I was failing assignments or behind in some aspect and began to have really negative thoughts. I'm a fairly rational guy and always manage to find reason which prevents me from doing something daft but there has been a couple of times when I've quite literally been peering over the edge. I decided to get help and see someone (this was in November) through my university counselling service but they couldn't sort me out until the new year. I ended up having the worst Christmas ever, I just felt so alien and lonely even though I was with my family etc I just felt like I didn't want to be there. I came home between Christmas and New Year (being half Danish we spent Christmas in over there) and hoped I'd maybe be happier but nope, still felt awful and alone.
I'vended up having to take a break from my studies to get my head straight as the way I was going I'd have wasted my degree and most definitely found myself in a darker place than I am currently. Loneliness is such a killer, no one really seems to understand how it truly feels - the same goes for depression. People seem to think it's just a phase and that it'll pass but it doesn't work like that. Two years ago before my friend passed, I was an upbeat and optimistic person in every aspect whereas now I rarely manage to see the positives in many things. At that time I would've laughed anyone out of town who suggested I'd be in the situation I'm now in because I was so naive when it came to stuff like this.
Sorry for the essay just needed to get that off my chest.

This week marks the 2nd anniversary of a very close mate going missing and eventually being found in a river. The intervening period has been tough for so many reasons and I've never really aired my true feelings until recently. 

To put it into perspective I caught the school bus with this guy every day for 7 years, played football and cricket together even after we finished school, went to gigs together and went on many nights out together - even born on the same day in QMC would you believe it. He introduced me to my then girlfriend and we were always kind of close. Then one January morning in 2015 I get back from a lecture to my missus sat on my bed telling me she has some news and I'll need to take a seat. Even though I knew what was coming, nothing ever prepares you for that news. Obviously this rocked me quite a bit having never really had anything like this happen to me before but over the next few months I kind of managed to get a grip on it. 

That autumn I moved to Germany for 6 months on a placement for my course at uni and this is where things began to get difficult. Earning very little it was hard to properly get out and about, especially when you're in a massive country where you literally know nobody. This was the beginning of my depression - nothing to this day quite compares to the loneliness I experienced and it was during this time, when I was alone with my thoughts that I began to think more and more of my friend. I was lucky in that I had a caring girlfriend who'd Skype me every night but once those calls ended I was alone again and even during the calls I began to feel like she wasn't there and that she was just on a screen and that I was hundreds of miles from anyone I knew and loved. I got through those months by telling myself that it would be over soon and I'd be home in a couple of months and it would all be ok. Wrong.
Once back in the UK I had another internship lined up - unpaid except my expenses, meaning I had to work a second job to earn some sort of income. This meant long days leaving the house at 7am and getting home at 1am with 30 minutes to get ready for my evening shift. I also worked weekends as it was a busy pub/restaurant which meant I had no real free time. It began to put a strain on relationship with my long term girlfriend and after 4 happy years together, stress drove me to ending it. At the time I guess I didn't realise the state I was in but looking back I can recognise how empty and soulless I had become. Again I got through this period thinking it would be fine and I'd be back at uni soon and I'll be able to relax. Once more I was wrong.
I pretty much immediately realised I had made a mistake ending things with my ex (who is also the same uni as me) and tried to reconcile things after she had spend a good 2 months trying to change my mind but I was too stubborn at the time. Unfortunately so much time had elapsed that she was no longer interested, despite my best efforts. She insisted on wanting to be friends but claimed to not want a relationship at the time, meaning we spent loads of time together on what I feel was false pretenses in many ways. This wasn't helped by my issues of inferiority and self confidence (its fair to say I was punching with this girl) which was one of the causes of me ending things as I was convinced that sooner or later she'd sack me off for someone else. All this at the same time as trying to handle an insane workload on my course which is notoriously heavy in terms of the workload dragged me further down into a pit of despair.
It was a this stage that I began to realise I was at my lowest point. I was failing assignments or behind in some aspect and began to have really negative thoughts. I'm a fairly rational guy and always manage to find reason which prevents me from doing something daft but there has been a couple of times when I've quite literally been peering over the edge. I decided to get help and see someone (this was in November) through my university counselling service but they couldn't sort me out until the new year. I ended up having the worst Christmas ever, I just felt so alien and lonely even though I was with my family etc I just felt like I didn't want to be there. I came home between Christmas and New Year (being half Danish we spent Christmas in over there) and hoped I'd maybe be happier but nope, still felt awful and alone.
I'vended up having to take a break from my studies to get my head straight as the way I was going I'd have wasted my degree and most definitely found myself in a darker place than I am currently. Loneliness is such a killer, no one really seems to understand how it truly feels - the same goes for depression. People seem to think it's just a phase and that it'll pass but it doesn't work like that. Two years ago before my friend passed, I was an upbeat and optimistic person in every aspect whereas now I rarely manage to see the positives in many things. At that time I would've laughed anyone out of town who suggested I'd be in the situation I'm now in because I was so naive when it came to stuff like this.
Sorry for the essay just needed to get that off my chest.

This week marks the 2nd anniversary of a very close mate going missing and eventually being found in a river. The intervening period has been tough for so many reasons and I've never really aired my true feelings until recently. 

To put it into perspective I caught the school bus with this guy every day for 7 years, played football and cricket together even after we finished school, went to gigs together and went on many nights out together - even born on the same day in QMC would you believe it. He introduced me to my then girlfriend and we were always kind of close. Then one January morning in 2015 I get back from a lecture to my missus sat on my bed telling me she has some news and I'll need to take a seat. Even though I knew what was coming, nothing ever prepares you for that news. Obviously this rocked me quite a bit having never really had anything like this happen to me before but over the next few months I kind of managed to get a grip on it. 

That autumn I moved to Germany for 6 months on a placement for my course at uni and this is where things began to get difficult. Earning very little it was hard to properly get out and about, especially when you're in a massive country where you literally know nobody. This was the beginning of my depression - nothing to this day quite compares to the loneliness I experienced and it was during this time, when I was alone with my thoughts that I began to think more and more of my friend. I was lucky in that I had a caring girlfriend who'd Skype me every night but once those calls ended I was alone again and even during the calls I began to feel like she wasn't there and that she was just on a screen and that I was hundreds of miles from anyone I knew and loved. I got through those months by telling myself that it would be over soon and I'd be home in a couple of months and it would all be ok. Wrong.
Once back in the UK I had another internship lined up - unpaid except my expenses, meaning I had to work a second job to earn some sort of income. This meant long days leaving the house at 7am and getting home at 1am with 30 minutes to get ready for my evening shift. I also worked weekends as it was a busy pub/restaurant which meant I had no real free time. It began to put a strain on relationship with my long term girlfriend and after 4 happy years together, stress drove me to ending it. At the time I guess I didn't realise the state I was in but looking back I can recognise how empty and soulless I had become. Again I got through this period thinking it would be fine and I'd be back at uni soon and I'll be able to relax. Once more I was wrong.
I pretty much immediately realised I had made a mistake ending things with my ex (who is also the same uni as me) and tried to reconcile things after she had spend a good 2 months trying to change my mind but I was too stubborn at the time. Unfortunately so much time had elapsed that she was no longer interested, despite my best efforts. She insisted on wanting to be friends but claimed to not want a relationship at the time, meaning we spent loads of time together on what I feel was false pretenses in many ways. This wasn't helped by my issues of inferiority and self confidence (its fair to say I was punching with this girl) which was one of the causes of me ending things as I was convinced that sooner or later she'd sack me off for someone else. All this at the same time as trying to handle an insane workload on my course which is notoriously heavy in terms of the workload dragged me further down into a pit of despair.
It was a this stage that I began to realise I was at my lowest point. I was failing assignments or behind in some aspect and began to have really negative thoughts. I'm a fairly rational guy and always manage to find reason which prevents me from doing something daft but there has been a couple of times when I've quite literally been peering over the edge. I decided to get help and see someone (this was in November) through my university counselling service but they couldn't sort me out until the new year. I ended up having the worst Christmas ever, I just felt so alien and lonely even though I was with my family etc I just felt like I didn't want to be there. I came home between Christmas and New Year (being half Danish we spent Christmas in over there) and hoped I'd maybe be happier but nope, still felt awful and alone.
I'vended up having to take a break from my studies to get my head straight as the way I was going I'd have wasted my degree and most definitely found myself in a darker place than I am currently. Loneliness is such a killer, no one really seems to understand how it truly feels - the same goes for depression. People seem to think it's just a phase and that it'll pass but it doesn't work like that. Two years ago before my friend passed, I was an upbeat and optimistic person in every aspect whereas now I rarely manage to see the positives in many things. At that time I would've laughed anyone out of town who suggested I'd be in the situation I'm now in because I was so naive when it came to stuff like this.
Sorry for the essay just needed to get that off my chest.

Cheers mate, I have started counselling sessions regularly so hopefully I'll get myself back on the straight and narrow soon enough. Its amazing how much help just sharing your problems can be - even if all it is is just writing down how you feel on a forum like this

This week marks the 2nd anniversary of a very close mate going missing and eventually being found in a river. The intervening period has been tough for so many reasons and I've never really aired my true feelings until recently. 

To put it into perspective I caught the school bus with this guy every day for 7 years, played football and cricket together even after we finished school, went to gigs together and went on many nights out together - even born on the same day in QMC would you believe it. He introduced me to my then girlfriend and we were always kind of close. Then one January morning in 2015 I get back from a lecture to my missus sat on my bed telling me she has some news and I'll need to take a seat. Even though I knew what was coming, nothing ever prepares you for that news. Obviously this rocked me quite a bit having never really had anything like this happen to me before but over the next few months I kind of managed to get a grip on it. 

That autumn I moved to Germany for 6 months on a placement for my course at uni and this is where things began to get difficult. Earning very little it was hard to properly get out and about, especially when you're in a massive country where you literally know nobody. This was the beginning of my depression - nothing to this day quite compares to the loneliness I experienced and it was during this time, when I was alone with my thoughts that I began to think more and more of my friend. I was lucky in that I had a caring girlfriend who'd Skype me every night but once those calls ended I was alone again and even during the calls I began to feel like she wasn't there and that she was just on a screen and that I was hundreds of miles from anyone I knew and loved. I got through those months by telling myself that it would be over soon and I'd be home in a couple of months and it would all be ok. Wrong.
Once back in the UK I had another internship lined up - unpaid except my expenses, meaning I had to work a second job to earn some sort of income. This meant long days leaving the house at 7am and getting home at 1am with 30 minutes to get ready for my evening shift. I also worked weekends as it was a busy pub/restaurant which meant I had no real free time. It began to put a strain on relationship with my long term girlfriend and after 4 happy years together, stress drove me to ending it. At the time I guess I didn't realise the state I was in but looking back I can recognise how empty and soulless I had become. Again I got through this period thinking it would be fine and I'd be back at uni soon and I'll be able to relax. Once more I was wrong.
I pretty much immediately realised I had made a mistake ending things with my ex (who is also the same uni as me) and tried to reconcile things after she had spend a good 2 months trying to change my mind but I was too stubborn at the time. Unfortunately so much time had elapsed that she was no longer interested, despite my best efforts. She insisted on wanting to be friends but claimed to not want a relationship at the time, meaning we spent loads of time together on what I feel was false pretenses in many ways. This wasn't helped by my issues of inferiority and self confidence (its fair to say I was punching with this girl) which was one of the causes of me ending things as I was convinced that sooner or later she'd sack me off for someone else. All this at the same time as trying to handle an insane workload on my course which is notoriously heavy in terms of the workload dragged me further down into a pit of despair.
It was a this stage that I began to realise I was at my lowest point. I was failing assignments or behind in some aspect and began to have really negative thoughts. I'm a fairly rational guy and always manage to find reason which prevents me from doing something daft but there has been a couple of times when I've quite literally been peering over the edge. I decided to get help and see someone (this was in November) through my university counselling service but they couldn't sort me out until the new year. I ended up having the worst Christmas ever, I just felt so alien and lonely even though I was with my family etc I just felt like I didn't want to be there. I came home between Christmas and New Year (being half Danish we spent Christmas in over there) and hoped I'd maybe be happier but nope, still felt awful and alone.
I'vended up having to take a break from my studies to get my head straight as the way I was going I'd have wasted my degree and most definitely found myself in a darker place than I am currently. Loneliness is such a killer, no one really seems to understand how it truly feels - the same goes for depression. People seem to think it's just a phase and that it'll pass but it doesn't work like that. Two years ago before my friend passed, I was an upbeat and optimistic person in every aspect whereas now I rarely manage to see the positives in many things. At that time I would've laughed anyone out of town who suggested I'd be in the situation I'm now in because I was so naive when it came to stuff like this.
Sorry for the essay just needed to get that off my chest.

Cheers mate, I have started counselling sessions regularly so hopefully I'll get myself back on the straight and narrow soon enough. Its amazing how much help just sharing your problems can be - even if all it is is just writing down how you feel on a forum like this

Cheers mate, I have started counselling sessions regularly so hopefully I'll get myself back on the straight and narrow soon enough. Its amazing how much help just sharing your problems can be - even if all it is is just writing down how you feel on a forum like this

Good luck mate

Hi Loughborough Ram.
Your story is very moving and I'm glad you have chosen to share it.
You have suffered a number of losses. I work for Cruse bereavement and in my time there I have learned that those who share their experience with trained bereavement volunteers can gain a better understanding of themselves in relation to their loss.
I know they have offices in Derby and Leicester should you wish to investigate.
I wish you all the best and hope you find a way through this difficult time.

This week marks the 2nd anniversary of a very close mate going missing and eventually being found in a river. The intervening period has been tough for so many reasons and I've never really aired my true feelings until recently. 

To put it into perspective I caught the school bus with this guy every day for 7 years, played football and cricket together even after we finished school, went to gigs together and went on many nights out together - even born on the same day in QMC would you believe it. He introduced me to my then girlfriend and we were always kind of close. Then one January morning in 2015 I get back from a lecture to my missus sat on my bed telling me she has some news and I'll need to take a seat. Even though I knew what was coming, nothing ever prepares you for that news. Obviously this rocked me quite a bit having never really had anything like this happen to me before but over the next few months I kind of managed to get a grip on it. 

That autumn I moved to Germany for 6 months on a placement for my course at uni and this is where things began to get difficult. Earning very little it was hard to properly get out and about, especially when you're in a massive country where you literally know nobody. This was the beginning of my depression - nothing to this day quite compares to the loneliness I experienced and it was during this time, when I was alone with my thoughts that I began to think more and more of my friend. I was lucky in that I had a caring girlfriend who'd Skype me every night but once those calls ended I was alone again and even during the calls I began to feel like she wasn't there and that she was just on a screen and that I was hundreds of miles from anyone I knew and loved. I got through those months by telling myself that it would be over soon and I'd be home in a couple of months and it would all be ok. Wrong.
Once back in the UK I had another internship lined up - unpaid except my expenses, meaning I had to work a second job to earn some sort of income. This meant long days leaving the house at 7am and getting home at 1am with 30 minutes to get ready for my evening shift. I also worked weekends as it was a busy pub/restaurant which meant I had no real free time. It began to put a strain on relationship with my long term girlfriend and after 4 happy years together, stress drove me to ending it. At the time I guess I didn't realise the state I was in but looking back I can recognise how empty and soulless I had become. Again I got through this period thinking it would be fine and I'd be back at uni soon and I'll be able to relax. Once more I was wrong.
I pretty much immediately realised I had made a mistake ending things with my ex (who is also the same uni as me) and tried to reconcile things after she had spend a good 2 months trying to change my mind but I was too stubborn at the time. Unfortunately so much time had elapsed that she was no longer interested, despite my best efforts. She insisted on wanting to be friends but claimed to not want a relationship at the time, meaning we spent loads of time together on what I feel was false pretenses in many ways. This wasn't helped by my issues of inferiority and self confidence (its fair to say I was punching with this girl) which was one of the causes of me ending things as I was convinced that sooner or later she'd sack me off for someone else. All this at the same time as trying to handle an insane workload on my course which is notoriously heavy in terms of the workload dragged me further down into a pit of despair.
It was a this stage that I began to realise I was at my lowest point. I was failing assignments or behind in some aspect and began to have really negative thoughts. I'm a fairly rational guy and always manage to find reason which prevents me from doing something daft but there has been a couple of times when I've quite literally been peering over the edge. I decided to get help and see someone (this was in November) through my university counselling service but they couldn't sort me out until the new year. I ended up having the worst Christmas ever, I just felt so alien and lonely even though I was with my family etc I just felt like I didn't want to be there. I came home between Christmas and New Year (being half Danish we spent Christmas in over there) and hoped I'd maybe be happier but nope, still felt awful and alone.
I'vended up having to take a break from my studies to get my head straight as the way I was going I'd have wasted my degree and most definitely found myself in a darker place than I am currently. Loneliness is such a killer, no one really seems to understand how it truly feels - the same goes for depression. People seem to think it's just a phase and that it'll pass but it doesn't work like that. Two years ago before my friend passed, I was an upbeat and optimistic person in every aspect whereas now I rarely manage to see the positives in many things. At that time I would've laughed anyone out of town who suggested I'd be in the situation I'm now in because I was so naive when it came to stuff like this.
Sorry for the essay just needed to get that off my chest.

This week marks the 2nd anniversary of a very close mate going missing and eventually being found in a river. The intervening period has been tough for so many reasons and I've never really aired my true feelings until recently. 

To put it into perspective I caught the school bus with this guy every day for 7 years, played football and cricket together even after we finished school, went to gigs together and went on many nights out together - even born on the same day in QMC would you believe it. He introduced me to my then girlfriend and we were always kind of close. Then one January morning in 2015 I get back from a lecture to my missus sat on my bed telling me she has some news and I'll need to take a seat. Even though I knew what was coming, nothing ever prepares you for that news. Obviously this rocked me quite a bit having never really had anything like this happen to me before but over the next few months I kind of managed to get a grip on it. 

That autumn I moved to Germany for 6 months on a placement for my course at uni and this is where things began to get difficult. Earning very little it was hard to properly get out and about, especially when you're in a massive country where you literally know nobody. This was the beginning of my depression - nothing to this day quite compares to the loneliness I experienced and it was during this time, when I was alone with my thoughts that I began to think more and more of my friend. I was lucky in that I had a caring girlfriend who'd Skype me every night but once those calls ended I was alone again and even during the calls I began to feel like she wasn't there and that she was just on a screen and that I was hundreds of miles from anyone I knew and loved. I got through those months by telling myself that it would be over soon and I'd be home in a couple of months and it would all be ok. Wrong.
Once back in the UK I had another internship lined up - unpaid except my expenses, meaning I had to work a second job to earn some sort of income. This meant long days leaving the house at 7am and getting home at 1am with 30 minutes to get ready for my evening shift. I also worked weekends as it was a busy pub/restaurant which meant I had no real free time. It began to put a strain on relationship with my long term girlfriend and after 4 happy years together, stress drove me to ending it. At the time I guess I didn't realise the state I was in but looking back I can recognise how empty and soulless I had become. Again I got through this period thinking it would be fine and I'd be back at uni soon and I'll be able to relax. Once more I was wrong.
I pretty much immediately realised I had made a mistake ending things with my ex (who is also the same uni as me) and tried to reconcile things after she had spend a good 2 months trying to change my mind but I was too stubborn at the time. Unfortunately so much time had elapsed that she was no longer interested, despite my best efforts. She insisted on wanting to be friends but claimed to not want a relationship at the time, meaning we spent loads of time together on what I feel was false pretenses in many ways. This wasn't helped by my issues of inferiority and self confidence (its fair to say I was punching with this girl) which was one of the causes of me ending things as I was convinced that sooner or later she'd sack me off for someone else. All this at the same time as trying to handle an insane workload on my course which is notoriously heavy in terms of the workload dragged me further down into a pit of despair.
It was a this stage that I began to realise I was at my lowest point. I was failing assignments or behind in some aspect and began to have really negative thoughts. I'm a fairly rational guy and always manage to find reason which prevents me from doing something daft but there has been a couple of times when I've quite literally been peering over the edge. I decided to get help and see someone (this was in November) through my university counselling service but they couldn't sort me out until the new year. I ended up having the worst Christmas ever, I just felt so alien and lonely even though I was with my family etc I just felt like I didn't want to be there. I came home between Christmas and New Year (being half Danish we spent Christmas in over there) and hoped I'd maybe be happier but nope, still felt awful and alone.
I'vended up having to take a break from my studies to get my head straight as the way I was going I'd have wasted my degree and most definitely found myself in a darker place than I am currently. Loneliness is such a killer, no one really seems to understand how it truly feels - the same goes for depression. People seem to think it's just a phase and that it'll pass but it doesn't work like that. Two years ago before my friend passed, I was an upbeat and optimistic person in every aspect whereas now I rarely manage to see the positives in many things. At that time I would've laughed anyone out of town who suggested I'd be in the situation I'm now in because I was so naive when it came to stuff like this.
Sorry for the essay just needed to get that off my chest.

This week marks the 2nd anniversary of a very close mate going missing and eventually being found in a river. The intervening period has been tough for so many reasons and I've never really aired my true feelings until recently. 

To put it into perspective I caught the school bus with this guy every day for 7 years, played football and cricket together even after we finished school, went to gigs together and went on many nights out together - even born on the same day in QMC would you believe it. He introduced me to my then girlfriend and we were always kind of close. Then one January morning in 2015 I get back from a lecture to my missus sat on my bed telling me she has some news and I'll need to take a seat. Even though I knew what was coming, nothing ever prepares you for that news. Obviously this rocked me quite a bit having never really had anything like this happen to me before but over the next few months I kind of managed to get a grip on it. 

That autumn I moved to Germany for 6 months on a placement for my course at uni and this is where things began to get difficult. Earning very little it was hard to properly get out and about, especially when you're in a massive country where you literally know nobody. This was the beginning of my depression - nothing to this day quite compares to the loneliness I experienced and it was during this time, when I was alone with my thoughts that I began to think more and more of my friend. I was lucky in that I had a caring girlfriend who'd Skype me every night but once those calls ended I was alone again and even during the calls I began to feel like she wasn't there and that she was just on a screen and that I was hundreds of miles from anyone I knew and loved. I got through those months by telling myself that it would be over soon and I'd be home in a couple of months and it would all be ok. Wrong.
Once back in the UK I had another internship lined up - unpaid except my expenses, meaning I had to work a second job to earn some sort of income. This meant long days leaving the house at 7am and getting home at 1am with 30 minutes to get ready for my evening shift. I also worked weekends as it was a busy pub/restaurant which meant I had no real free time. It began to put a strain on relationship with my long term girlfriend and after 4 happy years together, stress drove me to ending it. At the time I guess I didn't realise the state I was in but looking back I can recognise how empty and soulless I had become. Again I got through this period thinking it would be fine and I'd be back at uni soon and I'll be able to relax. Once more I was wrong.
I pretty much immediately realised I had made a mistake ending things with my ex (who is also the same uni as me) and tried to reconcile things after she had spend a good 2 months trying to change my mind but I was too stubborn at the time. Unfortunately so much time had elapsed that she was no longer interested, despite my best efforts. She insisted on wanting to be friends but claimed to not want a relationship at the time, meaning we spent loads of time together on what I feel was false pretenses in many ways. This wasn't helped by my issues of inferiority and self confidence (its fair to say I was punching with this girl) which was one of the causes of me ending things as I was convinced that sooner or later she'd sack me off for someone else. All this at the same time as trying to handle an insane workload on my course which is notoriously heavy in terms of the workload dragged me further down into a pit of despair.
It was a this stage that I began to realise I was at my lowest point. I was failing assignments or behind in some aspect and began to have really negative thoughts. I'm a fairly rational guy and always manage to find reason which prevents me from doing something daft but there has been a couple of times when I've quite literally been peering over the edge. I decided to get help and see someone (this was in November) through my university counselling service but they couldn't sort me out until the new year. I ended up having the worst Christmas ever, I just felt so alien and lonely even though I was with my family etc I just felt like I didn't want to be there. I came home between Christmas and New Year (being half Danish we spent Christmas in over there) and hoped I'd maybe be happier but nope, still felt awful and alone.
I'vended up having to take a break from my studies to get my head straight as the way I was going I'd have wasted my degree and most definitely found myself in a darker place than I am currently. Loneliness is such a killer, no one really seems to understand how it truly feels - the same goes for depression. People seem to think it's just a phase and that it'll pass but it doesn't work like that. Two years ago before my friend passed, I was an upbeat and optimistic person in every aspect whereas now I rarely manage to see the positives in many things. At that time I would've laughed anyone out of town who suggested I'd be in the situation I'm now in because I was so naive when it came to stuff like this.
Sorry for the essay just needed to get that off my chest.

Just got in from seeing the Revenent....9/10 possibly one of the best movies I've seen. Really well shot and to think it's based on real events boggles the mind!