Bontddu Ram

I have no words.
All I am left thinking is that you and Leanne sound exactly the type of people to be bringing up children, whether that’s your great nephews, your own or both.
 I found your story very moving and I really hope this story has a happy ending for you. 
Thank you for sharing it with us. 
 

Pull up a chair, this will be a long one.
Me and my wife Leanne have been together 8 years and 5 months, we have been trying for a baby for around 6/7 years. Nothing happened. Leanne has been desperate for our own little baby and seeing friends around us start families has been hard for her.
It’s been hard for myself as I later found out it was probably my fault following a sperm test.
Just before Covid we went to explore IVF options where I was given a sperm test, the results were basically I have swimmers, just not enough to put me in the “normal” range. Not impossible I could get Leanne pregnant, just harder than it would be for others.
Covid landed, lockdown, all non essential treatment and hospital appointments were cancelled, so our doctors asked us to come back once life returned to normal.
Fast forward to August 2023, we returned to the doctors knowing the clock was ticking, Leanne turns 40 this year and would already be classified as a “geriatric”, whilst myself a slightly younger Des O’Connor.
Anyway, they started testing Leanne, she was all clear, I was given another tube to fill and arrange an appointment with the hospital. Contacting them I was told there is such a backlog, we would be waiting until the new year, side note, we’re almost April and I’m still yet to receive a call back.
As I have mentioned elsewhere, October 27th our great nephews moved in with us under an emergency kinship fostering placement, since then we have been undergoing various assessments and training.
We go to the fostering panel to be confirmed foster parents on April 11th.
We was also willing to go down the SGO (Special guardianship order) route which would see them stay with us until they were 18.
Now, this is an important bit. We live in a small 2 bedroom house, me and Leanne looked at it and said maybe this is our calling, maybe we just weren’t meant to have our own and threw ourselves into the boys creating a special bond.
Monday 12th February, 2024, Leanne woke me up in tears saying we need to talk. My eyes had barely adjusted to the daylight before a positive pregnancy test was thrust into my face.
What. The. f***.
We quickly went to Morrison’s to buy another one, just to double check, this time a digital one. Both ClearBlue so super accurate.
The pregnancy was confirmed, 2-3 weeks it said.
We hadn’t bothered to be “careful” as we figured it was never going to happen naturally, but it had so now we was left with a huge dilemma. The boys were meant to be our future now. But it’s a 2 bedroom house.
It completely took the shine off what should have been the happiest time of our lives, Leanne’s family were also not fully invested into the joy with concern over what would happen to the boys.
After a few emotional discussions into the early mornings, exploring all possibilities, we ultimately decided to let social services know that we cannot be considered as long term placement if needed.
At this point and to this day, their mum is still waiting on her assessment to see if they can ever be returned.
We could not abort, we could not move as we have a small amount of debt that would prevent us getting a new mortgage for a much larger house.
March 9th, we visited the midwife who dated the pregnancy from Leanne’s last recorded period December 18th. A 12 week scan was booked for 21st March however she was told that she would be 13 weeks by then.
Sickness, tender breasts, the lot, this was all very real.
The wait for the 21st March seemed like forever.
The weekend prior, Leanne had very very light spotting and discharge which freaked us both out, quick call to the midwife and told not to worry, just come in if it’s heavy bleeding and she’s in pain.
On the 20th, I had a tattoo appointment, super excited and determined to bring some positivity to a stressed out wife, I get “Daddy” inked on my neck, at the neckline of a t shirt.  I was uncontrollably excited by this point.
Next morning we go in, soon called into the Ultrasound room, I bounce in rubbing my hands joking just the one please.
Monitor boots up, Leanne laid back with the biggest smile on her face unable to see the monitor.
I look up and the gestation sac is empty.
All life inside me just melted.
The midwife asked when we last took a pregnancy test, to which Leanne responded and was then asked if she would be happy to have an internal scan.
Whilst the midwife left the room I was in a daze, taking pictures of the screens.
Internal scan complete, we was simply told to get ourselves ready and we will be shown to the counselling room.
Both in tears, we was led away and left to sit in this room for half hour or so before another midwife appeared giving us 3 options.
Let it come out naturally.
Take medication to force it out which can be super painful.
Or surgery, which is a vacuum basically which sucks it out.
Period of silence followed and we was shown out the side door, absolutely devastated.
We sat in the car park at a complete loss. I had the announcement board ready to go, bought the little lamb rattle, we had it all planned and it was over.
After an hour we went home, packed our bags and basically ran away for the weekend leaving the boys with their Nan. We couldn’t face being “parents” surrounded by toys at this time.
Work were great, signed us both off with paid leave.
The weekend was spent crying, drinking, walking, crying.
We returned Monday, still an emotional mess but able to function at least.
The hospital rang asking if we had made a decision, on Tuesday Leanne booked the surgery for the Wednesday. That Tuesday night went to visit a friend who was questioning the dates, could they be wrong, is it earlier than we think, ask for a second scan to confirm.
On looking at the scan, the gestation sac was 1D 25mm, 2D 29mm and 3D 29mm. I’m googling sac sizes at 1am and see that is 8 weeks. 5 weeks earlier than what we was told.
Leanne’s now questioning if she forgot to record a period I said look, we’ll ask for a confirmation scan to be sure.
That morning, we go into SDEC (Same day emergency care), nurse calls us in, Leanne breaks down so I take over asking for a confirmation scan. They were great and said of course, booking us in for April 2nd.
I would have declined the 1st for obvious reasons.
We’re sat here now 99% believing we’ve lost the baby, however we need that 1% of doubt clearing away with this confirmation scan on Tuesday. Even a scan at an earlier date should have shown more than just the gestation sac and yolk sac.
I’m back to work on Monday, needing some normality back in my life, although Tuesday after the scan won’t be much fun.
This week that’s just gone, Wednesday 27th, the Boys mum had her assessment heard at panel, we’re now just waiting to hear from the social services to see how that went and would they be returned or not.
We have some difficult decisions ahead if she doesn’t, as now Leanne’s “oven has been warmed”, we’re desperate more than ever for our own little baby, yet fully aware Leanne turns 40 in a couple of months and I’m 42 myself.
It really needs to happen now, or not at all. Seeing Cameron Diaz having her second at 51 years old the other week, not sure how I feel as the old you get the more our bodies begin to tire and develop issues where running after children becomes more difficult.
All family options for the boys have been exhausted, so it’s either us, their mum or adoption. Being 2 and 3 they are the prime age to be adopted yet we would never see them again and that would f’in hurt, especially if me and Leanne are not successful in having our own.
I'm sharing this as men don't like to talk and when 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, many men will have been in similar situations and struggle in silence. Whilst the woman will ultimately bare the most pain and need the most support, it still f'in hurts....a lot.
So yeah, coming on here reading how Paul Warne is a terrible football manager, being 2nd is pure luck and all the rest of the negative hyperbole just hasn’t been at the top of the list to absorb. 
More to life than football has never been more true.
You know the old saying though, behind every successful forum owner, behind him is a team of amazing moderators. Big thanks to them for carrying the load whilst I spend time supporting the wife.

Oh yes, we most definitely are! 🐏🐏🐏

B4 , we are after them son , we are after them ,
hope referring to B4 in the present is not upsetting ( if it is I will not do it again) but to my mind his energy is still with us and all around this forum , derby county and us derby fans lucky enough to have been touched by him 

Didn't someone who knows quite a bit about football once say that the sign of a good team is one which manages to eke out a result even when not playing at their best?
What Derby seem to have the makings of, certainly at the moment, is a 'good team' - with the emphasis on 'team'. They are a unit - not necessarily the most gifted players individually (you wouldn't expect that - they are a side thrown together in a short period of time, playing in the third tier of English football, assembled on a shoestring budget under all sorts of restrictions - but they are fighting for each other, and the results themselves have been remarkable over the last couple of months.

Thought i would add my 2 pence in and a little bit of a backdrop particularly for those new members.. Ironically my Facebook memories remind me that 12 years ago we organised for Jon Darch from the safe standing roadshow to come down to the Portland Hotel to showcase 'rail seats'. It was a very well attended night including many local councillors and MP's.
Fast forward some 10 years plus and we finally have safe standing at Pride Park. Please remember that Derby County were the 2nd English club behind Aston Villa to go public on this at a time when it was a huge battle and clubs would just not publically do this. 
I went over to Hannover a year or so later and we did a promo video on the rail seats. This is one of the videos - featured Wayne who is a top guy and also well known for being the Peterborough Rabbit mascot. Naturally I took the big flag and got a photo with it in the AWD Arena. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apX5V1IJCW4
Nigel Clough was fantastic in it all. He was prepared to go on video and back the campaign. This was at the time of the Hillsborough disaster still being rather fresh as well with the campaign for further inquires etc. He was the most high profile person in football to go public. Top man.
Sam Rush and Co continued to back the campaign as did Mel Morris although his motives were very much how many more can I get in the stadium for his pop concerts lol! Yes we all remember that stadium video showcase!
So finally we will see safe standing at Derby. Not the rail seats that were campaigned for but rails. Its a start I guess and of course the cheaper option which also ticks many of the health and safety boxes.
Its been a very long 12 years with governments battles along the way. Should not have taken this long thats for sure. Guess we will see what the future holds...... Cough Rail Seats! 
 

Rivalry and banter aside...So sorry to hear this. B4 was a true fan who wore his heart on his sleeve.
Sending our condolences to his family and all his friends and those that knew him on here too.
You're all in our thoughts during this sad time.
Rest in peace B4.
From  the NFFC fans on the LTLF forum. 
 
 

I only read this sad news at lunchtime today.
I'm not a crier.  I don't ever cry when there is some sad story on the news.  I've never understood how anyone could cry at the death of a celebrity or a member of the royal family, people they've probably never met.
Yet for most of this afternoon I found myself blubbing my eyes out over the loss of b4.  I've never met Daniel.  Being an infrequent poster I've only read his messages on this forum.
B4 was the definition of a supporter.  Towards the end of a season I'll find myself looking at the fixtures imagining an unexpected turn around of form, an amazing sequence of results that will project Derby into the playoffs or autos.  Of course I'll never publicly express these dreams, we've mostly been conditioned as adults to have a cynical outlook.  B4 believed though and was not afraid to say so.
I hope B4s family and friends can take some comfort from these messages.  He will be missed.

Had a cry when I find out and had another cry now reading all the posts
What a bloke - can’t count the amount of times he’s made me smile on here, it can be a bloody tough forum to read at times when you consider the club we follow but he was just the best
Not only hilarious but completely spot on - the team would do better if we got behind the lads like he did
I still remember laughing my head off as a younger Leicester Ram at the yellow belt saga, in another life I’m sure B4 will be running the resurgent DLF
Haven’t been to a game since my uncle died but would have made the trek from London come rain, shine or national rail strike for the Bristol Rovers game for Daniel
Unfortunately I’m in Vietnam and can’t make it back, have to admit I’m devastated because he deserves the best send off possible - remember back in the days of the DCFC Fans podcast that I said he was my favourite forum member and he always will be
If anyone is sorting out a flag for him etc but finding the cost a bit dear, please let me know as I’d love to help out
You Rams 🐏 

I hope he wouldn’t mind me saying this, but he did tell me the reason when I was standing with him at (I think) Plymouth away.
He said he didn’t like pink because it’s a “girl’s colour”, but he didn’t want to say it publicly out of fear of offending @angieram!

I am unsure if this thread is the appropriate for this post, please remove if it is not.
I first encountered B4 on another forum many years ago. It was a very different place compared to this forum, and at times was not pleasant.
That B4 was able to become such a star here is down to @David and his team. What a valuable resource this forum is for Rams fans. Yes we carp, squabble and throw hissy fits, but the reaction to B4’s passing, and his many posts, show what a strong and supportive community we have.
#BeMoreB4  COYR!

I never had the pleasure and privelege of meeting this remarkable young man. I enjoyed reading his posts and admired his loyalty to all thing Derby County! He wasn’t even born in the glory years of Cloughie and Taylor yet his enthusiasm put many of us old PopSiders to shame.
He was genuinely loved and respected by all of us on DCFCfans and the many testimonials on here are proof of this.
My condolences and sincere good wishes at this sad time to David and family.
Thank you for the brightness and warmth which Daniel, B4, gave us in often dark and sometimes cheerless times!
Dan, Dan The great Rams Fan
His real name was Daniel
Yet we knew him as B4
A better football fan you’ll 
Never meet I’m sure
 
He clearly loved his family
And every Rams fan true
To join the Pride Park faithful
And sing his heart out too!

What do the rest of you think?

Oh my goodness, what a response!
Hello everyone, I’m Claire, Daniel’s (B4) sister. I am overwhelmed by your kind words, support, and the memories you have shared.  Thank you so much for the kindness and love you have all shown to Daniel over the years. My parents are working their way through all of the posts and will offer their own thanks in due course.
I wish I knew about the scraves, flanges and ballions before now. I wouldn’t have let Daniel live that down at home. This made my husband and I laugh this morning.
I will be wearing Daniel’s shirt and keeping his seat warm at the Bristol match. Really looking forward to hearing a big cheer and round of applause in the 38th minute, a goal at the time would be perfect!  Do please continue to share the picture with details of the applause. Let’s raise the roof for Daniel!!!
Thank you all again ❤️
#BeMoreB4 

So many funny memories of the lad; his player valuations, from which he could not be shifted and which seemed to infuriate some on here, much to other's amusement; his hilarious disdain for any pink strip and his vomit emoji protests when folk disagreed; his 'fondness' for Rick Parry and all things EFL. He was definitely a lad who had strong opinions and wasn't afraid to voice them, but always did so in a fashion that was humorous.
One anecdote that always stuck in my head was him earnestly advising another forum member who jokingly suggested that his wife wasn't letting him out of the house to, 'pretend you're just nipping out for milk, but then come to the game instead'. Let's be honest, it's was a solid enough plan! 

How can the passing of someone whom I never had the pleasure of meeting and have never, to my memory, interacted with directly on here, caused me to shed tears? But that's exactly what has happened. I post very rarely but have been around since the DET days and B4's posts have always stood out during this time. I like to think I'm a positive person but, to his credit, he took it to a different level entirely. The underlying memories I have have been discussed extensively during this thread, but I would like to bring attention to this forum in always being there to defend him against anyone unknowing of his dyslexia. He obviously had the full support and love from you all and I'm sure he knew and appreciated that during his painfully short life. As such it's no surprise to hear and read the outpouring of love, grief and memories from everyone. May he rest in peace in that big old football stadium in the sky.

Classic B4 rallying call prior to the Burton match last April.
Well calling all derby fans to get really really really behind the lads we need get behind the lads lets have wall of noise and have sea of black and white let's have scafs flags and balloons let's cheer lads on into the play offs. The louder we are the better lads play. Let  burton players shake with fear and let them think what on earth have we got our selfs into here.

……………….no further comment required!

It is nice to see a newface here,please keep posting,it will help us to keep B4 ,s memories alive,and I would like to add my name to the list of condolences which have been placed on our blog in memory of your brother,I for one of many will never forget him.

The turtle post was my doing 😝 Daniel left his phone lying around unlocked so I started posting facts about turtles on his Facebook for my own amusement. After about of month of this, someone Dan worked with gave a small stuffed turtle because she thought he liked them so much 😂  That Christmas every present I gave Dan had turtles on them 🤣🤣🤣

I've only just read and heard this devastating news.
Utterly gobsmacked.
Never met him bit constantly enjoyed reading his interactions on here.
Just got back from travelling to watch yesterday's excellent win yesterday and just can't believe this.
May his family find the strength to deal with their tragic loss and may B4 see his beloved Rams achieve everything he so passionately would have wished for.
RIP...B4.

Hi all, I'm another long time reader of the forum but have never felt brave enough to join and post, until now. Like many of you I didn't know B4, but recognised him and his dad at away matches. Last season I was sat next to him at Bristol Rovers, and although we exchanged pleasantries, again I wasn't brave enough to say I recognised him from the forum! If I had, I would have said, as a confirmed "happy clapper" myself, how lovely it was to read his always positive posts, and how his absolute love for our club shone through. It's a measure of the man how many of us are saddened at his passing, even though we didn't know him. Heartfelt condolences to all B4's family and friends, and I hope in time all these lovely messages will bring them some  comfort. 

Damn - not the news I was expecting to read today. This place will never quite be the same again. I always used to enjoy when a newbie would have a go at his spelling and then skulk back under their rock when everyone put them straight. No one messed with our B4!
 

Very sad news. Scraves and flanges will remain the greatest thing anyone has ever posted on a forum. He always made me smile with his sometimes ludicrous, sometimes unrealistic, sometimes fair but always highly passionate posts - a positivity that sometimes we could all do with a bit more of. His rallying calls were always crazy and brilliant. 
He'll be missed and as others have said, I hope the kind words on this thread will bring some comfort to his family. Top man. 
 

B4's family will be devastated but what amazing tributes reading through this thread in full. I hope it brings them a little comfort

Such sad news, lots of us when we weren’t grafting at Royce’s use to log on to the site just to see what B4 had to say, he was a DCFC legend as proven by this thread. I like many never met him but he was always positive and from some of the stories on here a caring and kind soul, if there were more like him the world wouldn’t be in such a mess as it is now
RIP B4

As I reflect on this upsetting news and read how it's affected so many I feel that I must let it be known how much my matchday experience will never be the same again. I have sat in the same seat in the East Stand since it was built, together with my wife, and sat right in front for many years was Daniel and his dad. I am a regular reader of this forum but rarely contribute. I do remember when there was much speculation as to who top fan B4 was. It eventually dawned on me that he must have been sat in front all that time. He reluctantly admitted that he was indeed the one and only B4.
I should have known because I had been discussing team selection and tactics every game for years. Half time changes that were always needed were rarely implemented by the manager, who should have known better. Sweets were often handed around and whatever happened on the pitch Daniel's support was unwavering and I sometimes felt ashamed that I couldn't raise my game when things just weren't happening and I had a feeling of impending doom.
It was a shock not to see and hear him yesterday but it was a privilege to have known Daniel.