King Kevin

A good vet could get that back on it's feet.

A good vet could get that back on it's feet.

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? 
 
  These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ... 
  in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had 
  the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. 
 
  ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
  WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 
  ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
  WITNESS: My name is Susan! 
  _______________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
  WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
  WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 
  WITNESS: July 18th. 
  ATTORNEY: What year? 
  WITNESS: Every year. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
  WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
  ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
  WITNESS: Forty-five years. 
  _________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
  WITNESS: I forget.. 
  ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
  ____________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 
  WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
  WITNESS: Are you pooping me? 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
  WITNESS: Getting laid 
  ____________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
  WITNESS: None. 
  ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
  WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
  WITNESS: By death.. 
  ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
  WITNESS: Take a guess. 
  ___________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
  WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard 
  ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
  WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
  WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
  ______________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
  WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
  WITNESS: Oral... 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
  WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM 
  ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
  WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
  WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
 
  ______________________________________ 
  And last: 
 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
  WITNESS: No.. 
  ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
  WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
  ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
  WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 
 
 
 

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.' 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
 
 At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. 
 
 When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. 
 
 If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.' 

Apparently, this is a real reply from the UK Inland Revenue. The
Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.  The
funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to
the Tax Office which prompted this reply!




     Dear Mr ---------

     I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than
prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of
the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

     Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as
a "begging letter".    It might perhaps more properly be referred to
as a "tax demand".    This is how we at the Inland Revenue have
always,  for reasons of accuracy,  traditionally referred to such
documents.

     Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream
of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the
letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.    However, whilst I have
naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would
cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy
pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers"  might indicate that
your decision to  "file them next to the toilet in case of
emergencies"  is at best a little ill-advised.    In common with my
own organisation,  it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do
see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".
 More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a
responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

     Which brings me to my next point.   Whilst there may be some
spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay  "go to shore
up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services",
a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion
that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole
damned party"  yourself.    The estimates you provide for the
Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,  whilst
colourful,  are,  in fairness,  a little off the mark.     Less than
you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"
and  "dancing whores"  whilst far more than you have accounted for is
allocated to,  for example,  "that box-ticking facade of a university
system."

     A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

     1. The reason we don't simply write  "Muggins" on the envelope
has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

     2. You can rest assured that  "sucking the very marrow of those
with nothing else to give"  has never been considered as a practice
because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,
the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially
unviable.

     I trust this has helped.   In the meantime,  whilst I would not
in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,  I
ought to point out that even if you did choose to  "give the whole
foul jamboree up and go and live in India "  you would still owe us
the money.

     Please send it to us by Friday.

     Yours sincerely,
     ---------
     Customer Relations
     Inland Revenue

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.' 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
 
 At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. 
 
 When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. 
 
 If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.' 

Apparently, this is a real reply from the UK Inland Revenue. The
Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.  The
funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to
the Tax Office which prompted this reply!




     Dear Mr ---------

     I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than
prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of
the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

     Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as
a "begging letter".    It might perhaps more properly be referred to
as a "tax demand".    This is how we at the Inland Revenue have
always,  for reasons of accuracy,  traditionally referred to such
documents.

     Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream
of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the
letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.    However, whilst I have
naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would
cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy
pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers"  might indicate that
your decision to  "file them next to the toilet in case of
emergencies"  is at best a little ill-advised.    In common with my
own organisation,  it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do
see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".
 More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a
responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

     Which brings me to my next point.   Whilst there may be some
spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay  "go to shore
up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services",
a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion
that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole
damned party"  yourself.    The estimates you provide for the
Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,  whilst
colourful,  are,  in fairness,  a little off the mark.     Less than
you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"
and  "dancing whores"  whilst far more than you have accounted for is
allocated to,  for example,  "that box-ticking facade of a university
system."

     A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

     1. The reason we don't simply write  "Muggins" on the envelope
has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

     2. You can rest assured that  "sucking the very marrow of those
with nothing else to give"  has never been considered as a practice
because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,
the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially
unviable.

     I trust this has helped.   In the meantime,  whilst I would not
in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,  I
ought to point out that even if you did choose to  "give the whole
foul jamboree up and go and live in India "  you would still owe us
the money.

     Please send it to us by Friday.

     Yours sincerely,
     ---------
     Customer Relations
     Inland Revenue

I'm building a new factory to manufacture vibrators
Asked the bank for a business loan and my bank manager questioned whether there was enough demand for my product to warrant a whole factory
I told him - If i build it....they will come

A Native American introduced me to his wife and said her name was Four Horses.
I said “That’s a beautiful name, what does it mean?”
He said “ bloody nag,nag,nag nag”
 

No matter how dull your job there are ways to make it more interesting.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be £9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right.. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.' 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
 
 At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. 
 
 When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. 
 
 If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.' 

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.' 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
 
 At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. 
 
 When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. 
 
 If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.' 

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.' 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
 
 At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. 
 
 When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. 
 
 If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.' 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."