Joke Thread

[Boycie]

Dunno? I'm not admin.

[-JW-]

Dunno? I'm not admin.

[Boycie]

​Soz, i forgot about that.

Two sugars please.

[AmericanRam]

Did you hear about the two peanuts in the alley last night?

One was a salted.

[-JW-]

Did you hear about the two peanuts in the alley last night?

One was a salted.

[Boycie]

​And the other??

[AmericanRam]

A guy goes into a library to return a book on amnesia.

After checking it in,the librarian angrily says, 'Sir, this book was six months overdue.'

He replies, 'Sorry, I forgot I had it."

 

 

 

[ramit]

Two co-workers are leaving the office. 'I can’t wait to get home,' says one of them. 'As soon as
I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.' 'I know the feeling,' the other says.
'I've been working so much lately sometimes it feels like I'm not even married any longer.' 'No, I’m serious,'
says the first. 'They’re killing me.'

 

[ramit]

A man thought that his wife is cheating on him. Since he didn't have a lot
of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a
much cheaper one - a Chinese man named Mr. Lee.

The following day he received following report:

Most honourable Sir:

You leave house. I watch house. he come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

 

[uttoxram75]

I still enjoy sex at 68.

I live at 66....

[AmericanRam]

A guy took the shell off his racing snail thinking it would make it faster.

If anything, it made it more sluggish.

[AmericanRam]

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".

The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".

"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".

"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.

"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but ******* complain since you got here."

[King Kevin]

Came home one evening and told the wife I'd bumped into the milkman that morning ,guess what he told me he's shagged every women in the street except one.

That will be the snotty cow at number 12 she said. 

[Mafiabob]

What do you call a rabbit with a bent nob?

 

Fooks Funny 

[Gritstone Ram]

A chap had four kids. 3 were tall with ginger hair the other was short with dark hair.

On his death bed the father asked his wife please be honest. Is my forth son really mine. The wife replied I swear on everything holy he is your child. The man died a happy man.

The wife then said, few it's a good job he didn't ask about the other three.

[Rammeister]

Two working class blokes in a working class pub...

Man in a suit walks in and orders a drink. Looks completely out of keeping with the surroundings.

One of the two blokes already in the pub says "He doesn't look like he comes from round here...I think he's a solicitor". His mate says "Nah, I think he's in finance". So, they decide to have a bet on it, and one of them walks upto the well dressed man and says- "Excuse me- you don't look like you come from round here so me and my mate have had a bet on what you do for a living- would you mind telling me please?"

"No problem" the man replies. "I'm a logic scientist".

"Oh. What's that?" says the working class man.

"Well I can give you a demo if you want of what I do" the logic scientist replies.

"Yes please!" 

"Ok- here goes. Do you own a goldfish?" Says the logic scientist.

"yes I do" says the other man.

"well, as you have a goldfish you have a pond or a fish tank" says the scientist

"Yes, I do- a pond in fact"

"So logic dictates you have a garden" says the scientist.

"Yes! Remarkable" says the other man

"Which logically means you have a house..." Says the logic scientist

"Yes! I do!"

"Which means you logically have a wife, and therefore children" says the scientist.

"Unbelievable! All true!" Replies the other man

"And, as you have children it means you have had sex with your wife" says the logic scientist.

"Yes I have!" 

"So that's what a logic scientist does" says the logic scientist. "From asking you whether you have a goldfish, I have logically deduced that you have sex".

"thank you so much" says the other man, who bid the logic scientist goodbye and went back to his mate.

"Who was right? Is he a solicitor or in finance" says his mate

"Neither of us- he's a logic scientist"

"What's one of them then?"

"I'll give you a demo...do you own a goldfish" the man asks who had gone to chat with the logic scientist.

"No, I don't have a goldfish" replies his mate.

"You must be a wan@er then"

 

 

 

 

 

[Wolfie]

A Duck walks into a bar....

 

"Got any Bread?"

"No"

"Got any Bread?"

"No"

"Got any Bread?"

"No"

"Got any Bread?"

"No, and if you ask me agian, I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

"Got any Nails?"

"No"

"Got any Bread?"

 

[SaintRam]

There was a guy driving in his mobile home when he started to run out of gas, so he got on his motorcycle then it started to get dark so he stopped at a hotel. When he went to the front desk, and the attendant told him there was only one room left, the room with the brown door. He said it was okay, so the attendant showed him to his room and cautioned him to not go through the brown door. The man was sleeping when he heard a strange noise; he realized it was coming from the brown door, but he remembered the attendant's warning and tried to go back to sleep. A little while later he heard the noise again, so he got up and took a shower. When he got out he put on his pajamas and laid down, but he could still hear the noise so he got up, put on his slippers and walked through the brown door then walked down the hallway where he saw an orange door. He figured the noise was probably coming from there, so he walked back down the hall, through the brown door, took off his slippers and got back into bed. A while later the noise was bothering him again, so he decided to check it out. He got up, put on his slippers, walked through the brown door, down the hall, and through the orange door. That led to another hallway, so he walked down the hall where he found a green door. The noise had stopped, so he assumed it was someone behind the green door and walked back down the hallway, through the orange door, down the next hallway, through the brown door, took of his slippers and got into bed. A little while later he heard the noise again, so he got up, put on his slippers, walked through the brown door, down the hall, through the orange door, down the hall, and through the green door where he found a balcony. He looked down an saw a field, so he assumed the noise must've been an animal and walked back through the green door, down the hall, through the orange door, down the hall, through the brown door, took off his slippers, and got into bed. A little later the noise was bothering him again, but he didn't know how he would get over the balcony as there were no stairs, and he didn't have a ladder. He thought for a few moments, put on his slippers, picked up all the furniture in his room, walked through the brown door, down the hall, through the orange door, down the hall, through the green door, and onto the balcony. He then took all of the furniture and threw it over the edge then proceeded to climb down it. He walked in the field until he came to a swap with alligators. He wasn't sure how he would cross it, and the noise as gone, so he decided to go back to bed. He walked back through the field, climbed up the furniture, got onto the balcony, walked through the green door, down the hall, through the orange door, down the hall, through the brown door, took off his slippers, and laid on the floor. A while later he started wondering what could possibly have been making that noise, so he decided to investigate some more. He got up put on his slippers, walked through the brown door, down the hall, through the orange door, down the hall, through the green door, onto the balcony, climbed down the furniture, walked through the field, started swimming through the swamp when an alligator tried to eat him, so he took out his pocket knife and cut off its head. He then found himself on a beach when he looked out into the ocean he saw an island. He figured the noises must have come from there, so he decided to go back to bed. He walked back to the swamp, swam through it, walked back through the field, climbed up the furniture, got onto the balcony, walked through the green door, down the hall, through the orange door, down the hall, through the brown door, took of his slippers, laid down on the floor and went back to sleep. A while later that noise was bothering him again, so he got up, put on his slippers, walked through the brown door, down the hall, trough the orange door, down the hall, through the green door, onto the balcony, climbed down the furniture, walked through the field, swam through the swamp, walked across the beach, swam across the ocean then walked onto the island where he found a GIANT pink monkey with a sign around his neck that read "DO NOT TOUCH." He shrugged, swam back across the ocean, walked across the beach, swam through the swamp, walked through the field, climbed up the furniture, got onto the balcony, walked through the green door, down the hall, through the orange door, down the hall, through the brown door, took off his slippers, and laid down. He couldn't fall asleep because he kept wondering what would happen if he touched that monkey, so he got up, put on his slippers, walked through the brown door, down the hall, through the orange door, down the hall, through the green door, onto the balcony, climbed down the furniture, walked through the field, swam through the swamp, walked across the beach, swam through the ocean, walked onto the island, up to the GIANT pink monkey, and poked it. All the sudden the monkey began to scream"AHH" and started chasing the man off the island, across the ocean, across the beach, through the swamp, across the field, up the furniture, onto the balcony, through the green door, down the hall, through the orange door, down the hall, through the brown door, into his room, through the front door, down to the lobby, out of the hotel where the man hopped on his motorcycle with the monkey still close behind. The motorcycle ran out of gas right in front of the man's motor home, so the monkey chased him in, and then as the man was trembling, sure he was about to die, the monkey reached out, poked him, and said........... " Tag, you're it!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copied off reddit as a painfully long and unfunny joke. I haven't read it. Hope you all have the nous to check down here before reading it. 

[Wolfie]

Not a joke but just stumbled on this funny review for the Amazon Fire TV Stick (on Amazon)....

 

5.0 out of 5 starsSaving me from cheap gin.

By Gaia TOP 500 REVIEWER on 27 May 2015

Configuration: Standard Remote Verified Purchase

I bought this as an electronic babysitter, for my husband, who is five. Oh, wait, not five, 48. I was pig-sick of him watching Netflix on his mobile phone, with his netbook pinging up Facebook messages, with the TV on full blast, and the sound from his Netflix leaking out of his earphones, because he had that on full volume as well, to counter-balance whatever was happening on the TV he wasn't watching. It has worked a treat, as he now watches endless hours of crap on the big TV, while his netbook and phone ping Facebook messages at him, and he lies on the couch, re-arranging his crotch, and grunting.

The installation was easy, despite the fact that I only have full use of one hand, I didn't need any screwdrivers, and I'm not allowed hammers anyway. I did stand on an apple that the dog had taken behind the TV, for dog-reasons, and it squidged between my toes a bit, but I don't suppose that's a universal installation issue, not everyone having a dog that hides fruit behind the TV.

The plug-and-play nature of the device meant that I was able to install without asking for help from a man, and I didn't even break any fingernails. I'm relatively certain I've deleted any links to my social media from Amazon, so the husband won't be able to ferret about, at two in the morning, while he's watching something with boobs in, or yet another concert from the time period when I was being potty-trained, and see all of the nasty things I say about him.

For me, it has been £35 well-spent, although the glut of adverts offering it for £25 have been a bit of a kick in the crotch, I could have spent the extra £10 on gin, but it would have been cheap gin, so there would have been no real gain.

[Animal is a Ram]

Exaggerations this year have gone up a million percent.