AmericanRam Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach runs across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-JW- Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 A mate of mine was in a bad car accident recently. He lost control of the car on an icy bend, careered off the road, hit a tree head on and burst into flames. It was a fierce smash and he couldn't undo his seat-belt or open his door. He could smell petrol and was just waiting for the explosion which would surely finish him off. Just when he had almost given up hope, two cars drove past and stopped to help. In the first car was Mr and Mrs Smith and in the second car was Mr and Mrs Ball. Luckily he was pulled out by the Smiths ...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-JW- Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 AUSSIE HELPLINE "G'day, Aussie helpline, how may I help you?" ...... "My Girlfriend's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now it's completely closed up." "Bummer, mate." ...... "Thanks, dude, I never thought of that!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Old Tommy Cooper joke I rang my local ramblers' club but the man just went on and on and on.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
admira Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Old Tommy Cooper joke I rang my local ramblers' club but the man just went on and on and on.......... He da best ever! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curtains Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 What's the difference between a hill and a pill. Answer . Ones hard to get up the other is hard to get down. It's the way I tell um lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nfb Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Late one Friday evening I went into the doctors, I said 'doc u gotta help me, I keep thinking I'm a moth ! ' He said, 'why did u come and see me, you need a psychiatrist .. ' 'I couldn't help it, your light was on! ' . I went to see him again, two weeks later, 'now what', he said, I said, 'now I think I'm a pig' 'how long have u felt that' he asked.... ' about a weeeeeeeeeeeek' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McClarensLads Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Jimmy Saville, Gary Glitter and Rolf Harris walk into an irish bar. The barman says "Not yewtree again!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 What's the difference between light and hard , you can get to sleep with the light on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gladys' Handbag Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Two short sighted, old codgers are sitting in the West Stand when their elderly friend Doris decides to streak across the pitch. The first, squinting, "Isn't that Doris down there?" The second, also squinting, "Yes I think it is" "What's she wearing? "I don't know, but whatever it is, it needs ironing" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kevin Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Mum takes her little girl into a toy shop to buy a Barbie doll. There's Beach Barbie, Hairdresser Barbie ,Hostess Barbie all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanRam Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 As above in reference to Tommy Cooper.Looked him up,funny dude.Lol. I said to the Gym instructor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfie Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 has ruined my life.My boiler has gone and I'm scared to call the plumber. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boycie Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 has ruined my life.My boiler has gone and I'm scared to call the plumber. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-JW- Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Just ate a space rock.Did you? Was it meaty?Yeah, it was meteorite.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boycie Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 This is why the thread was hidden behind the wardrobe for all these years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-JW- Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 This is why the thread was hidden behind the wardrobe for all these years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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