King Kevin

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
 
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
 
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
 
Floor 1 - These men have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
 
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
 
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
 
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

The story of a certain man .
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.' 

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?' 

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' 

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that 
Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

'Brown's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.' 

A couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?
  
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
  
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
  
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.
  
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' 
  
The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Bupa. 

The missus sent me up into the loft to get the decorations down ,while I was up there I found one of last years presents I forgot to give the kids. Shame I'm sure they would have liked that puppy.

Little boy goes up to his dad and asks him what the difference is between theoretically and realistically .The dad says go and ask your mum and sister if they would sleep with someone for a million pounds .
Little lad trots off and asks his mum and sister the question. He goes back "Dad they both said yes they would" .
"There you go then son theoretically we are millionaires  realistically we are living with a couple of tarts". 

Some of the expressions on Mick Fleetwood's face are priceless.

One of the best in the business.  This is a great performance by the band.

Lindsay Buckingham is absolutely kin brilliant .

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? 
 
  These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ... 
  in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had 
  the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. 
 
  ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
  WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 
  ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
  WITNESS: My name is Susan! 
  _______________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
  WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
  WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 
  WITNESS: July 18th. 
  ATTORNEY: What year? 
  WITNESS: Every year. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
  WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
  ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
  WITNESS: Forty-five years. 
  _________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
  WITNESS: I forget.. 
  ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
  ____________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 
  WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. 
  ___________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
  WITNESS: Are you pooping me? 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
  WITNESS: Getting laid 
  ____________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? 
  WITNESS: Yes. 
  ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
  WITNESS: None. 
  ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
  WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
  WITNESS: By death.. 
  ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
  WITNESS: Take a guess. 
  ___________________________________________ 
 
  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
  WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard 
  ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
  WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 
  _____________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
  WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
  ______________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
  WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
  WITNESS: Oral... 
  _________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
  WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM 
  ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
  WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 
  ____________________________________________ 
  ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
  WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
 
  ______________________________________ 
  And last: 
 
  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
  WITNESS: No.. 
  ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
  WITNESS: No. 
  ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
  WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
  ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
  WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 
 
 
 

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

I met my now wife whilst she was working at twycross zoo. She looked lovely in her uniform, straight away I knew she was a keeper 

£100 up over the last month on a £550 investment.. Took a hit yesterday though.
Im staying fairly risky though, so the rewards will be good and the dips bad. It’s only £550 and it’s cheering me up.

Found out my grief counselor has died ,he was that good I don't give a toss.

I dialed a number and got the following recording:** **
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
**************************************************
 
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************
 
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
**************************************************
 
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
**************************************************
 
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
**************************************************
 
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
 
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
 
 

A good vet could get that back on it's feet.

Found out my grief counselor has died ,he was that good I don't give a toss.

Have a like from a grief counsellor! 

Apparently, this is a real reply from the UK Inland Revenue. The
Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.  The
funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to
the Tax Office which prompted this reply!




     Dear Mr ---------

     I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than
prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of
the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

     Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as
a "begging letter".    It might perhaps more properly be referred to
as a "tax demand".    This is how we at the Inland Revenue have
always,  for reasons of accuracy,  traditionally referred to such
documents.

     Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream
of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the
letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.    However, whilst I have
naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would
cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy
pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers"  might indicate that
your decision to  "file them next to the toilet in case of
emergencies"  is at best a little ill-advised.    In common with my
own organisation,  it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do
see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".
 More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a
responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

     Which brings me to my next point.   Whilst there may be some
spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay  "go to shore
up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services",
a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion
that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole
damned party"  yourself.    The estimates you provide for the
Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,  whilst
colourful,  are,  in fairness,  a little off the mark.     Less than
you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"
and  "dancing whores"  whilst far more than you have accounted for is
allocated to,  for example,  "that box-ticking facade of a university
system."

     A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

     1. The reason we don't simply write  "Muggins" on the envelope
has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

     2. You can rest assured that  "sucking the very marrow of those
with nothing else to give"  has never been considered as a practice
because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,
the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially
unviable.

     I trust this has helped.   In the meantime,  whilst I would not
in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,  I
ought to point out that even if you did choose to  "give the whole
foul jamboree up and go and live in India "  you would still owe us
the money.

     Please send it to us by Friday.

     Yours sincerely,
     ---------
     Customer Relations
     Inland Revenue

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me you won't tell me.' 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
 
 At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. 
 
 When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. 
 
 If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.' 

Found out my grief counselor has died ,he was that good I don't give a toss.

I dialed a number and got the following recording:** **
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
**************************************************
 
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************
 
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
**************************************************
 
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
**************************************************
 
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
**************************************************
 
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
 
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
 
 

A good vet could get that back on it's feet.

A good vet could get that back on it's feet.

A good vet could get that back on it's feet.